The Olympics!! 08/03

Posted: August 3, 2012 by Micah in Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

So last night I had the rare honor of sitting down and watching my TV slowly commit suicide. I mean watching the Olympics while my Digital Antenna thingy freaked out. Either way. Here’s what went down.

***

Well here we are! I just got back from dropping my car off in the shop (due to the fact that it has the same robust health as say… a ferret… that’s malnourished… and missing two feet… and dead.) and now it’s time to sit down with my wife and watch the Olympics! WOOT!!

And hey, look it’s women’s rowing. I was gonna make a “row row row your boat” joke here but then I realized that the joke wouldn’t be funny because it’s way too close to being true. I’m pretty sure that’s what that useless person in the front of the boat is actually yelling at the people behind her.

“I said GENTLY down the stream! GENTLY!!”

Ya know what rowing needs? Cannons.

I mean its one thing to say you can row this tiny little boat across the channel at Mach 5 or so, but wouldn’t you like this sport so much better if the person in the front had a cannon? Not even like a pirate cannon, just one of those portable mounted ones. And it wouldn’t even have to fire deadly balls of lead, we could use paint and the effect would be one-hundred percent the same. “Cannon-fire rowing” would be about a million times more entertaining than just regular rowing! Think about it Olympic people. Think about it.

Okay now that the rowing is over we’re gonna apparently move on to swimming. I have very mixed emotions where swimming is concerned. I enjoy watching it but… at the same time it is (occasionally) incredibly boring. It’s people swimming to one wall, then turning around and swimming back, and turning around and swimming back, and so on and so forth. This is also why I don’t enjoy track and field events where the people go around the track 4 bajillion times, I’m not saying it’s not impressive, I mean I couldn’t make it around the track once before I had to sit down and play Batman Arkham City for an hour to motivate myself. I’m just saying it’s not the most exciting thing to watch.

Ya know what swimming needs? Sharks.

This is either a Shark or Michael Phelps… hard to tell…

And they wouldn’t even need them at every race, just one. Can you imagine if they had a massive shark tank on the side of the swimming pool and everyone knew that during one of the races they were going to fling it open? All the sudden every swimming race becomes drastically more exciting. Even the ones where the shark stays in the cage entirely become more exciting purely by virtue of the potential of there being a shark involved. Plus it would get rid of the whole awkward part at the end where whoever won the race tries to celebrate their victory while at the same time staying in the pool and thus having to focus on things like: not drowning. As soon as that race was over you’d be getting out of the pool. Why? Because of the potential of horrible ravenous shark related death. I’m just saying Olympics… think about it.

And now it’s time for volleyball. Ya know, seeing how I tuned into this thing to watch Women’s Gymnastics NBC seems to be going WAY out of its way to NOT show me Women’s Gymnastics. Thanks for that NBC. Oh also thanks for the whole “We’re steaming these live so America can cheer on the Olympics” campaign but neglecting to mention the part where by “americans” you meant “americans with cable” Why do I need to stream it if I already have cable?? Even If you were to say… charge me twenty bucks for access that would be something I could accept, but saying I can only watch it online if I already have the ability to watch it offline seems a little self-conflicting. By which I mean: stupid.

Anywho… bitterness aside Men’s Olympic Volleyball is about the most exciting form of volleyball there is, which is to say I went and took a shower while it was on. Volleyball is one of those sports that I genuinely like to play but don’t really like to watch. No idea why… I actually like beach volleyball better because there are less people and more running around… no idea why that is.

Ya know what Volleyball needs? Yeah, me neither.

Okay finally on to some Gymnastics!! Gymnastics is probably the most exciting Summer Olympic Sport to watch for a couple reasons, which I will list in a bold typed fonty way.

Why Women’s Gymnastics is the Most Exciting Summer Olympic Sport

The Magnificent Five… or something like that…

  1. Crazy degree of difficulty

Have you SEEN the sort of things these girls are doing? I mean if you can run full speed at a springboard loaded jumpy thing and go careening into the air without dying on the landing I will be VERY impressed. Let alone somehow controlling yourself to the point where you can do two and a half spins and land on your feet. It’s ridiculous.

       2. Artistry.

I realize men’s gymnastics is probably just as difficult but men’s gymnastics is just sort of… I don’t know… odd. Pommel horse just looks weird. Let me be clear on the fact that men’s gymnasticism is crazy difficult and WAY more than I could ever do but it’s just weird. Women’s gymnastics isn’t just hard but it’s about making hard stuff look easy. Watching Gabby Douglas fly around on uneven bars isn’t just impressive cause it’s hard, it’s impressive because it’s hard but doesn’t look hard. Yeah… I’ve written better sentences then that.

      3. Crazy “oooohhhfff” moments.

When someone messes up in swimming you know what happens? They finish last. Which is to say: you probably didn’t notice. You know what happens when someone messes up in Gymnastics? They die. Or come very close to it. Girls fall off balance beams, slam their heads into the floor, break their knees careening into the ground at weird angles and many many other forms of “oh my word-ary.” It’s weird to say this makes you want to watch Gymnastics more, but it does. Because really it’s a combination of all three of these things that makes Women’s Gymnastics awesome: the crazy hardness, the effortless look of it, and the tension of knowing that one wrong move will result in terrible horrible bodily injury. And that is why: Women’s Gymnastics is the Most Exciting Summer Olympic Sport.

P.S. If you haven’t seen McKayla Maroney do the vault you have MISSED OUT. Watching her vault is like watching a Ninja jump through a black hole made of sugar flavored lightning and daintily land in a meadow made of Smarties and sunshine. That said: Maroney didn’t compete tonight.

Who started this whole “metal eating” thing? That can’t be healthy right?

I was gonna take you through all the different exercises of the Women’s Finals but I seem to already be at four million words and my fingers hurt. So let me just say that Gabby Douglas deserves massive props for winning the all-around Gold and that I think the way that Women’s Gymnastics breaks ties for third place is retarded. Oh oh oh wait a sec…

Ya know what Women’s Gymnastics Needs? Chicken.

And not like… poultry…. Though actually that would probably be entertaining too… man… so many good ideas, why am I not being paid by someone to come up with these? Anyway what women’s Gymnastics needs are GAMES of chicken. If two Gymnasts are tied (which happened last night) instead of some weird tie breaker involving scores and math and things, what they need to do is set up two vaulting platforms facing each other set both gymnasts off into their vault routines and whoever dies less wins!! Can you imagine being set up on this against Maroney? She would probably launch the other gymnast back in time when they collided.

So there you have it! Five bajillion words on the Olympics that end with the answer to the great mystery of time travel: McKayla Maroney!!

That judge in the background was just sent back to the 70’s. Thus the hair. OH!!! Burn…

P.S.S. Ya know what else is dumb? The fact that the person who finished 4th in the qualifying round (Jordyn Wieber) didn’t get to compete for the All Around metal but the person who finished 18th did. Something about each country only being able to enter in two athletes to the finals. At what point did letting less talented people compete instead of more talented people seem like a good idea Olympics? That’s like saying “Man, I could watch the full Batman trilogy but… I don’t know, I feel like I’m favoring them too much, so after I watch the first two I’m gonna go rent “Land Before Time 46: The Happiest Fossil” just to keep things fair.

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