Micah’s History of Everything: Part 1

Posted: July 30, 2012 by Micah in A History of Everything

All right Internet, here’s the deal: So far I have mostly not kept my promise at all and have hardly watched any of the Olympics. And so, rather than telling you all about the five or six times I watched women jump off a diving board and fall into the water below them, I’ve decided to tell you all about the history of everything that ever happened ever. That’s right, as a subtle distraction from the fact that I have done no actual research into what I said I was going to do, I’ve decided to launch a new series which I will probably get tired of midway through this post. Never the less, here in bold type AND a centered font is:

Micah’s History of Everything

Part 1: Caved Type People.

“Look Honey, indoor plumbing!!” “That’s great Broonhilda but… what is Honey?”

An Overview:

Mostly during this period of human history humans were focused on surviving. And not “surviving” like we say “surviving.” But “surviving” like they said “surviving” which is to say “ugh” and also “I hope I’m not eaten today.” As Geologists and other nerds could tell you, during this period men drew on caves cause, frankly, there wasn’t much else to do.

Important Inventions:

One day, whilst wandering through the brambles and briscuits of Southern France a caveman rubbed two sticks together. Nobody knows why, though some would hazard that using ancient cave logic he was trying to create tiny baby sticks. Anyway what he did invent was fire!! Shortly thereafter he invented arson, and (very importantly) third degree burns. After Europe had recovered from sweeping wildfires that leveled the entire country a cave woman came along and decided to throw some meat into the fire, after her husband had recovered, they discovered he tasted at least four times more delicious and immediately began throwing all sorts of stuff into all sorts of open flames. Shortly after this vegetarians were invented.


The “massive log” look was considered very flattering.

Most fashion in this period was either comprised of leaves plastered to peoples skin using berries, or actual live animals that they would duck tape to themselves. (Duck tape was invented and sold by actual ducks during this period of history and had nothing to do with “duct tape” which would be invented by ducts many years in the future). Fashion was fairly simple and for hundreds of years every fashion magazine was headlined “HOSE: Still not invented!!” Which would lead early cave women to perform early cave dances of joy.


Cave people had many of the same sports in their day as we have in this day. The only really important differences is that many of their sports had the words “while being chased by a Saber Tooth tiger” or “WBCBSTT” added to the end of them. For instance: Running WBCBSTT, Swimming WBCBSTT, Long Jumping WBCBSTT, and Beach Volleyball WBCBSTT.

Fine Dining:

Most of the “Fine Dining” accomplished in cave type days could really just be called “Dining” cause most cave people were fine with whatever. Leaves, Tigers, Mammoth, poison oak, really anything that they could get into their mouths before it verbally objected was regarded as completely edible.

Leaf: it’s whats for dinner.

The Economy:

At this point the economy mainly consisted of things like: twigs, leaves, and pennies that you could actually buy things with. “Investing” consisted mainly of taking all your belongings and hiding them inside a mammoth.

The World of Art:

Mainly cave drawings, though it is believed by most people named me that most of these were actually done by a long extinct race of stick people who actually were just formed from five lines and a circle. The work of geologists continues to disagree with me but hey, they’re geologists since when did they know anything?

The World of Film:

A quite period for film. Though it is believed James Cameron started principle photography for Avatar right around this period. Cameron would release the movie several thousand years later still claiming that he “couldn’t get the trees just right.”

In Summary:

Not humanities proudest hours. Then again they probably had never heard of Justin Bieber and didn’t even have the word “Friday” for Rebecca Black to sing about so I’m gonna go ahead and call this a win!

Thanks for reading and turn in next time as I delve into the Jurassic (park) period and take a long hard look at last time the Chicago Cubs won a world series.

  1. Much more fascinating than my history book’s ideas =)

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