So the Olympics start tomorrow night (tonight… depending on when I get around to posting this) And so I, like every black blooded half vampire American, decided to wait till Friday to post in honor of the “Whatever Number We’re At” Olympics. Okay, so actually my wife broke her finger and I was at the doctors most of the day trying to comfort her while her Doctor did his dead level best to fix her finger, by breaking her entire hand… that may be a slight exaggeration but still… he seemed to be working under the lesser known variant of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” that goes “if it be broke, break it more.” Anyway though… back to the Olympics.

Whenever the last Olympics were I remember not watching many of them. I remember that Michael Phelps swims really fast and… that about sums it up. I have vague recollections of something happening involving a Chinese person and I’m sure some girl gymnast wept in happiness/joy/sadness/desire for Cocoa puffs but that about sums it up. So this year with my Phalange-damaged wife by my side I have decided to be a better man, a better American, and even lazier then I have ever been before. Listed below in absolutely no order whatsoever, are 10 things that excite me about the Olympics.

1.       Listening to the announcers say “Beautiful” forty bajillion times during the opening ceremonies.

To the credit of the announcers there are only so many things to talk about when you have to watch nine million athletes enter the arena, ten at a time, walk around the track INCREDIBLY SLOWLY, and then sit down and probably fall asleep. And so the word beautiful is thrown around like so many sacks of tiny flour. “It’s a beautiful story” “such a beautiful uniform” “a beautiful city” “beautiful girl, you’re a lovely picture, beautiful girl, you’re a gorgeous mixer, I’m in a whirl, over my beautiful”… ahem… woo… sorry. Gene Kelly just happened.

2.       Michael Phelps is still mostly a shark.

Sharks check under their rocks every night: for Michael Phelps.

I’m pretty sure this is actually true. I think “Michael Phelps” is German for “Killer Shark”… don’t look that up though. Anyway, Phelps stands a good chance at passing some Russian woman for Most Gold Medals ever won, ever by anyone ever in the Ever so… that’s cool.

3.       Gymnastics

No seriously.  Some of my extended family/relative typed people own and manage a small gym in the forest of Mirkwood… I mean Massachusetts. So I know just enough about Gymnastics to fully appreciate how much I can NOT do it.

4.       Completely ignoring certain sports.

A list of sports I fully intend to ignore:

See what I did there?

Pictured: A sport I will ignore.

5.       Try and watch track and field.

I remember when I was a little kid and really liked watching track and field. Probably because the idea of being paid to jump into sand or run around in circles pointlessly seemed like a really great idea at the time. Nowadays sand and I have an eclectic sort of relationship, and me and running only interact on the semi-rare occasion that I am chased by mother bears. Never the less though, maybe track and field and I can find some common ground among the hills and plains of Virginia… or something.

6.       Equestrian is still a weird name for riding a horse and wearing a dumb hat.

Of course the most hilarious part about Equestrianing is… is that a word? Equestrianing?? Word says no but we all know how I feel about Word and its words… never mind.

7.       …Did I say I would do ten of these?

Umm…

8.       Diving.

Diving is one of those sports that’s exciting just because I like to watch the judges of these competitions mess up horribly. “Sure you spun around twenty times in the air, did four backflips, and read “War and Peace” a loud, BUT you also slightly bent the second toe on your left foot. Please go home and never show your face here again. I’m ashamed to know you.”

Also why do divers dive into the water, get out of the water, and promptly go take a shower? Are their mothers lurking around the corner? And why is it desperately important that I watch them take a shower? Cause I certainly don’t want to…

But mom!! I just got out of the pool, I don’t need to shower!!

9.       Figuring out what broad heartwarming statement is being made by the Opening Ceremonies.

I only have a very vague recollection of the Beijing opening ceremonies but I do have a very distinct recollection of at one point the announcer saying something like: “And this is an expression of how each of us is responsible for caring for our own mother earth.” She said this when a bunch of little children were running in circles dressed as the cast of Cats the Musical, set on fire. I’m really looking forward to this year’s message which will no doubt be something equally warm and fuzzy and involve something I understand even less.

Pictured: A touching artistic rendition on the plight of the Endangered Red Panda… Either that or a bunch of kids waiting for chicken nuggets to fall from the sky… hard to tell at this point.

10.   Feeling guilty about not working out more.

Invariably this happens. It’s the problem with watching any athletic event really but at least when I watch football I can take comfort in the fact that if I were in good enough shape to play football fat hairy people would be trying to tackle me to the ground. Watching the Olympics is different because you could make completely valid arguments that I could do (in a MUCH less talented way) just about everything that I’m watching. I can swim. I can run. I can bounce on a trampoline and probably break my neck completely pointlessly. And yet… I don’t. And will continue to not.

Thanks for reading!

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