Dear Denizens of the Interweb: In but two days I, the writer of this blog and writer of the controversial, imaginary best seller: “9 Flew Over Jerry’s nest.” Will be forever changing my life… when I buy a Nintendo Wii!!! Bahaha. No. I kid. I would not buy a Wii. Wii’s are generally used for parties (which I don’t have), exercise (which I don’t do), or having ridiculous amounts of innocent good natured fun (which I don’t believe in). I am, of course, talking about the upcoming wedding of Micah and Cassie in which I will be playing the controversial, true to life role, of Micah Thompson blogger and made up celebrity.
In view of this I have no idea when I’ll be posting in the next two weeks. Maybe not at all. Maybe very briefly next Thursday. Who knows. Also, and for obvious reasons, I have recently been spending a good deal of time packing my few meager belongings into a dusty kerchief in preparation for the move. As such I proudly present to you
“Micah Thompson’s: Five Stages of Moving.”
Stage 1: Talking about moving.
This is probably the best stage and the stage where you feel the best about the move. You say things like “Shouldn’t take more then a few hours.” And “Gonna really purge my stuff.” And “What if the killer wolves from the Grey were living in those mountains at the end of Sound of Music? Do you think that song could have had another verse about “Climb every tall tree, ford every stream, FOLLOW EVERY RIVER, TILL YOU GET EEEEAT-ENNNNNN!!!!”
This stage can last for weeks as you tell everyone about what a great packer you are and how you’re going to take all of those random things you’ve been hoarding for the last few years and ceremonially burn them in a fire made of childhood memories and old copies of “Math for Beginners” by Fred Rogers.
Stage 2: Looking at your room.
This is a rough stage. The stage where you move from “boasting about how awesome you are at moving” to “I have no idea where to start… maybe I’ll watch TV to clear my head…” This stage involves reality crushing down on you like the weight of a grand piano being played by an elephant made of plutonium.
All the sudden you realize what a grand undertaking this is and that you forgot how much junk you had in your closet. You start openly sweating as you realize that you probably don’t actually have enough boxes, and that you have some really huge things that won’t conveniently fit in anything short of a Boeing 707… You even start questioning the wisdom of buying that life sized pewter carving of a Gargoyle, eating Olivia Wilde.
Gradually though you settle down. Way down. Into depression. A deep sort of soul sucking depression that just makes you want to watch more TV… or take a shower… or fall into an open volcano populated by spiky Volcano porcupines.
Stage 3: Actually starting to pack.
You generally start packing by opening up your bureau and just sort of staring into it. You think about that scene from Sword in the Stone where Merlin magically packs his entire house into one tiny bag and your realize how completely awesome Merlin was to begin with. Then you get that opening song from the Sword in the Stone stuck in your head and you sing it quietly to yourself while still staring at you clothes.
“A story is sung… of when England was young. And nights were brave and BOLD!!!!!” And then you stand on a chair and sing louder. And you take your shirt off and wave it above your head as you mournfully sing about England’s lack of Monarchy and the positioning of various swords and all the while those clothes you were staring at moments earlier quietly encourage you. And wish you the very best in your blossoming career as a Disney Broadway star but remain (rather resolutely) unpacked.
Stage 4: Realizing you haven’t actually packed yet… but are exhausted.
At this point it’s probably been roughly thirty minutes and you probably haven’t actually packed anything. In fact you’ve probably succeeded in unpacking several things including (but not limited too) your fedora, a small Tiger doll, your CD case from high school, and a towel (which you’ve tired around your neck to use as a cape). You also may or may not have sung your way through the theme song from Chisum, “I’ll Make a Man out of You”, the entire collection of songs from Shrek 2, and the Imperial March from Star Wars which was impressive both due to the scope of the song, and the fact that it has no actual words.
Anyway, you now realize that despite accomplishing slightly less then nothing; you are profoundly tired and rather desperately in need of a tall cool drink of Madam Pomfrey’s Miracle Elixer… which reminds you of Sweeney Todd…. which sets you off singing again. So after the verse about how “actors compactor but always arrives overdone” you decide to take a break.
Stage 5: The “AAAAHHHHHH” stage.
So you return from your most recent break ready to (of course) take another, longer, break when you suddenly come to the stark realization that you haven’t so much “accomplished” anything as you have “made a mess.” You also realize that it’s midnight and that you have to wake up and go to that work thing the next morning. And so you (you wonderful packy typed person) do what any red blooded American Conquistador would do. Completely flip out.
This is when you start randomly throwing things in random suitcases with complete disregard for things like: organization, folding, and whether or not what your packing actually belongs to you. You start throwing things away for reasons such as “I don’t know where to put this” or “That’s probably a radiation health hazard” and rather then gently folding the clothes your packing so as to maximize space you go with the far more aggressive policy of “wadding everything into an extremely compact ball and slamming it into the suitcase with all of your significant muscle mass.”
Mid-way through stage 5 you realize that you’re only making a 5 stage list and at this point your still mostly unpacked. You compensate for this by very quickly taking all of the things you haven’t packed yet and throwing them into the biggest box you can find. You start summarizing paragraphs by using words like “All the stuff ever” and “Miscelaneous pony shaped items,” and finally just as you start stumbling from lack of sleep you make an incredible discovery!! You can finish all of this tomorrow!!
So there you have it ladies and gentleman!! The five stages of packing. Or (more apprioprietly) Micah Thompson’s Guide to Not Really Putting Anything Where It Belongs. Thank you all so much for reading!! I’ll see you on the other side!!