Golf and other maladies

Posted: May 31, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

So tonight I played my first ever game of actual golf. For the most part (and I’m being transparent here) I was horrible. Like really horrible, like Amanda Seyfried in Red Riding Hood horrible. However I did walk away with a better understanding as to why golf is as popular as it is.

Because as horribly frustrating as golf can be (and was for the most part of last night) the entire 18 hole tour that I took of the woods surrounding the golf course was completely justified by A) hangin’ out with my good friend Dave for a few hours and B) a transcendently beautiful shot that I took off the tee of my 17th hole of the evening. A majestic shot that looped lazily through the late evening air and, as though guided by the light dainty angels of departed Platupi, laid gently to rest on the green. Nevermind that I missed the following putt by about 9 feet, and that on the next hole I not only missed the green by about twenty yards but also discovered that I was aiming for the wrong green anyway shortly thereafter. I had painted my golfing version of the Mona Lisa. And it was beautiful.

Anyway though what say we all settle down and talk about the future huh? No, not the inevitable Zombie uprising, or the inevitable rise of the machines, nor even the inevitabler Zombie vs. Machines upper uppety uprising. I’m talking about some new movie news and trailers that have recently arisen from the vast un-tamable waters of Western Maine… I mean Hollywood.

GI: Joe:

Oh GI: Joe… I never knew you…

So last week I went on a long random rant about GI: Joe (supposedly being released on June 29th) pushing it’s release back 10 months so the film could be post edited into 3D. Well… over the last week some SUPER disturbing internet rumors have surfaced as to why the movie was really pushed back.

Cause here’s the thing, pushing a movie back (especially this close to release) is NOT cheap. I mean I can’t even tell you how much Paramount spent on advertising (I asked but all I could get out of them was “more then five dollars”). But even going just on the fact that they advertised this movie with a Super Bowl commercial (probably the most expensive minute in TV) I can tell you that in the words of Bob from Bobberville “it weren’t cheap.” So… would all the costs of un-advertising and re-advertising (not to mention the cost of converting a movie to 3D) be matched by the extra five or so dollars you make off of 3D tickets? Probably not. So here are the two best theories I’ve heard as to why Paramount really moved GI: Joe back.

1. Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

Remember Avengers? That awesome movie that is STILL making all of it’s box office competition look semi-ridiculous (yes it was passed by Men in Black 3 but it’s not like anyone actually thought that MIB 3 was better)? Well here’s the thing: there are only two things that people will even ALMOST spend as much money on as they did on Avengers and those two things are Spiderman and Batman. If GI: Joe 2 came out on the 29th of June it would have exactly 4 days to enjoy the spotlight before being completely obliterated by the new Spiderman (being released on July 3rd). I cannot emphasize enough how obliterated it would be. I mean Avengers made people forget entirely that Dark Shadows (a movie starring Johnny Depp) was actually in theaters, and Johnny Depp is not even in this movie a little bit.  So Paramount would essentially be banking on one weekend and then after that have to settle for the money of four people who couldn’t get in to see Spiderman because it was sold out.

At least that reason sort of makes sense but now we must move on to a second and far far FAR more frightening rumor.

2. Channing Tatum.

Probably the only thing that will stop me from seeing this movie…

Oh. My. Word. WEEKS ago when I first mentioned that I was actually sort of excited about this movie what was my one stipulation? Go ahead, click here and read through it I’ll wait…. NO CHANNING TATUM. However the latest internet rumors all seem to point to Channing and his unfortunate million dollar face somehow worming their way into this movie. Supposedly either in a larger role at the beginning or even (gulp) somehow surviving the initial “We’re sorry for the first movie, here watch us blow all the old cast members up” opening. WHAT!! What the Dill Deviled Pickles?? Didn’t we learn from the first GI movie that Channing Tatum should A: Not be in movies and B: Not be in movies when he’s not blown up by an attack helicopter? I feel sick.

Les Miserables:

All 90 percent of women need to know about this movie: these two guys are in it and both of them sing beautiful songs of love.

Okay, let’s move on to things that are far less of an attack on my pancreas shall we? Things like the new trailer for Les Miserables (the movie). If you haven’t seen this trailer you should stop whatever you’re doing and watch it now!! (here) Unless you’re doing heart surgery. In which case you should probably keep doing that. Though maybe take a second and write on the aorta with a sharpie or something. “Dr. Gordon was here” can you imagine how cool the coroner will think you were when your patient invariably dies twenty years from now?

This movie is probably the only thing that will make people go: “Wait? Do I really want to watch the Hobbit again?” Before deciding “Of course I do.” and ignoring it entirely. Seriously though, this movie actually looks fairly awesome. I mean just look at the cast Hugh Jackmen, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe, Helen Bonham Carter, and more (you’ll not I’m desperately hoping to pretend myself out of the fact that Amanda Seyfried is in this movie and somehow continues to make people think she can act)! A while ago when I reviewed a production of Fiddler on the Roof (check it out here) I talked about how with every musical you have to decide up front whether you want to go super strong on the acting side of things and settle for good but not great singing; or go super strong on the singing side and go for good but not great acting. Les Mis has landed firmly on the acting side of things which (especially for film) makes way more sense.

“Help! I’m being kidnapped by this ruggedly handsome Hugh Jackmen typed man!! Wait… Nevermind! I’m good.”

That said, Anne Hathaway does a more then respectful job crooning out “I Dreamed A Dream” which was a great choice for the trailer as every teenage girl ever has spent at least one night with this song playing on a loop as she filled her pillow with tears because Mr. Darcy (or his lesser stupider cousin Edward Cullen) only exists inside the pages of fiction and (in Edward’s case) the literary nightmares of Stephen King.

I’m surprisingly stoked for this movie (more so then I’ve been for a musical since… well ever) and am interested to see what happens at the box office when it and the furious steam train of The Hobbit collide at full speed.

And finally: for no reason at all here’s a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises featuring the cast of My Little Pony (here).

I have no idea why I think that’s so funny. I just do.

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