Vampires

Posted: May 14, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,
So, first off, allow me to send a message to the person in the room next to me listening to the Newsies soundtrack: SHUT UP! You and your insufferable Christian Bale song which (if memory serves) he sings to a candle… and a potato. Or maybe just a potato… Admittedly I only watched the movie once and it was roughly four bajillion years ago but I distinctly recall a potato and a candle playing important parts in a musical number.

“You ever get the feeling you were meant to do something else?… I don’t know, like be batman or something…”

So I’m still recovering from the Epic slice of awesomeliness that was Avengers and still trying to work out some way to justify dropping more cash down to go watch it again just cause it’s a movie that you have to watch in theaters to really understand how completely awesome it is. Cause as sweet as I’m sure it will be to watch the Hulk punch an alien monster snake, in the comfort of my own home it is SO much more awesome to watch the Hulk punch an alien monster snake, in front of a screen roughly the size of a Sherman tank. All that aside though, let’s talk about vampires shall we? (none of the post above had anything to do with vampires. I blame this lack of transition on the fourth chorus of the Sante Fe song from Newsies.)

There are roughly four bajillion vampire movies in existence today, most of which (let’s be honest here) really really stink. Like really stink. This is because every hack movie maker in history has at one point sat down and thought to himself “Man you know what people like? Vampires. If I make a movie with a vampire in it I’m sure everyone will love me! Then I can become rich and move to Venezuela and eat banana’s all the live long day!!” The problem with that is the idea for your movie wasn’t: Here’s an awesome movie idea that happens to feature a vampire” but rather “I want to make a vampire movie what sort of dumb retarted plot can I come up with that aligns with my stupid vampire idea?”

Anyway though, all of these movies essentially boil down into three basic categories of vampirehood which I will outline below:

1: The “Vampires are soulless husks of men bent on the destruction and death of you and your mom and anyone you know who is mildly attractive.” typed movies.

This is certainly where Vampireism got it’s start in classic old timey sort of films, where the audio usually didn’t align and the only vampire around was Dracula who talked a lot about woman’s necks for some reason and if you looked into his eyes you would get all confused and think you were a drape. Or something.

“Oh no he didn’t!!!”

Anyway, we haven’t seen one of these sort of Vampire films in a good long while… I think the last “Vampire is a villain” movie I watched was Fright Night which was both A: Terrible and B: Really really terrible. The last movie like that I watched that I enjoyed was… man…. hang on… Van Helsing? I guess. And even that was more enjoyable because the movie fully embraced it’s personal way-over-the-topness.

Eventually (of course) the big wheel of Hollywood will spin around once more and the “new” fad will once more become the “Oh my goodness a vampire could eat me at any second” sort of movie.

Type 2: The “oh my hunky hunky love vampire” type.

Easily my least favorite and most stomach upsetting type of vampire this was (of course) popularized by dumb teenage girls who thought they would ruin something cool rather then just continuing to ruin things that weren’t cool anyway (Justin Bieber). This sort of Vampire either A: Is tragically misunderstood and doesn’t really eat humans at all. Or B: Is even more tragically understood and does eat humans but he doesn’t really want to he just has to sometimes cause people keep shooting him in the face or because his lab partner wears different perfume.

“Guyth, I jutht feel tho thparkly!!”
(you try writing with a lisp sometime!)

Obviously this is conceivably the worst idea ever and nearly ruined vampires for everyone. Don’t even get me STARTED on the complete retardity of Twilight cause that would be a roughly 4 million word rant on how dumb the idea of the movie is starting with the fact that Edward (despite being centuries old) is for some reason masquerading as a high school student because… why exactly? What sort of bizarre centuries old person (who happens to occasionally find himself hungering for human livers) says to himself “Ya know what I would like to try? High school! I hear that’s loads of fun and totally not filled with hundreds of innocent bystanders that I might accidentally eat!”

“Wait is he… sparkling??? NO!!!!”

Hopefully we’re getting close to the end of this particular craze as we seem to have run out of new ways to further debase vampires (and Dakota Fanning). There’s still one more Twilight movie that they’re making for some reason but as this one’s trailer already nearly broke my brain I’m going to try not to think too much about it too much.

Type 3: The “Vampires are awesome and will either save the world (and eat some people) or destroy the world (and eat everyone).”

If you so much as think about sparkling she will probably shoot your face in.

And now we get to my favorite sort of vampire movie! Movie’s like the excellent “Underworld” or the (slightly less excellent) Priest. Let’s talk about Underworld though as it is sort of the benchmark “vampires are still cool” series that we have going on right now.Underworld (the first one, I pretend the second one doesn’t exist) is about a secret underground war that has raged for centuries between the Vampires and the Lycans (werewolves). The movie had a great script, a cool new idea, and featured the ever excellent Michael Sheen as Lucian (the head Lycan) the action was awesome and the Vampires were a great mix between horrifying, cool, and relatable. I hold this up proudly against Twilight as definitive proof that Vampires can still be awesome!

The prequel “Underworld: Umm… The Prequel Title” was actually pretty good! Brining Michael Sheen back helped a lot and the third movie managed to avoid the problems that would have plagued the second movie if they had made it (which they did NOT) namely “stupid plots no one cared about.”

Michael Sheen: the only way to be a werewolf!

I haven’t watched Underworld 4 yet but I probably will at some point in the semi-near future. I’ll get back to you on that.

So there you have it. Three types of vampire Old School, New School, and School for the Mentally Handicapped. I’ll be back on Thursday for what will hopefully be a review of “The Grey” a movie that I somehow missed when it came out in theaters but that I have desperately desired to see!

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