Posted: May 10, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , ,

Last night was a good night on the whole. My fiance’ surprised me by picking me up after she was done with work and whisking me back to her apartment where me, her, and her roommate (who will remain unnamed) watched Haywire. Her roommate, who we’ll call… Filbert…a. Filberta had chosen the movie but I had been interested in it priorly (which is not a word). So me and Cassie (who was dubious because the movie trailers had looked kind of dumb) and Filberta sat down, ate some pizza and watched what turned out to be a horrible train wreck that decapitated several full grown grasshoppers of a movie.

Micah Reviews: Haywire

Haywire: a movie that was SOOOO much worse then the sum of its parts.

I’m gonna try and sum up the plot of this movie as best I can but please understand that if it sounds like I only have the loosest grasp of the plot it’s because the movie didn’t really have one. Or at least, it only had a very loose grasp of it’s own plot. I got this constant image of one harried writer in a script room desperately trying to write this thing at the very last minute. I think they made some of the actors deliberately mumble lines just because they weren’t really sure what to have them say.

“We need to eliminate the *mumble mumble* of the stocks fourth exchange or this whole *mumble mumble* will be a complete waste of our mumbling time.”

I realize this is a spy movie and it’s supposed to be all espionagy but I’m convinced the actors, the scriptwriters, and the Director didn’t know what the plot was either. All that said here’s my summary.

The movie opens with the main character, Mallory, sitting in a coffee shop. Two seconds later Aaron (played by the increasingly blobular Channing Tatum) enters and for no apparent reason at all starts to beat the ever loving yogurt out of Mallory. Little does Channing Tatum know though that Mallory literally cannot be knocked out, and so (despite smashing her head on the floor, breaking a coffee pot over it, and multiple punches to the jaw) Mallory beats up Channing Tatum (YAY) and flees the scene in the car of Scott a man who quite willingly surrenders the keys to her (maybe he had really good insurance I don’t know).

At this point Mallory relates her entire story to Scott pretty much just because and we are taken on an incredibly long, mostly nonsensical journey into the extremely strange world of Mallory Emotionless.

The Positives:

I have nothing good to say here. My fiance’ is awesome. That about ends the positive things I took away from this movie. That and some pizza paid for by the wonderful Filberta, who I have forgiven for making me watch this.

The Negatrons:

Far far FAR too many to name in one post.

My biggest problem is that NO ONE EDITED THIS MOVIE. If you cut out all the unnecessary footage in this 2 hour movie it would literally be about 45 minutes. Maybe. Wide shots are held too long, fight scenes are very poorly cut together, and there are about 3 different chase scenes in this film that stretch out way to looooooooooooooooong. Sort of like that word. Literally one of the “climactic chases” involves Mallory “running” away from the police (who only briefly come in contact with her anyway). I say “running” because she actually spent most of the time walking, sauntering, hiding, and (occasionally) casually jogging. At no point in the chase scene does it look like the police are actually going to catch her but never the less we are obliged to watch her and the people chasing her, in separate rooms, moving in different directions, with no action, for about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes in which NO ONE TALKS.

If you were to sit and watch this picture, with a repetitive techno song playing in your headphones, you would have accurately simulated two-thirds of Haywire.

The movie is littered with this sort of litter. Long sequences of weird techno music set on a twenty second loop are accompanied by people sitting around trying to look like they’re doing something. And did I mentioned the music was repetitive? Cause it was. Repetitivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve. Sort of like that word.

Also, a lot of the “spy” things in this movie just aren’t pulled off very well. Starting with Mallory’s willingness to relate her entire story to Scott, a man who she has known for roughly two minutes. Of course the hilarious thing is that the Director could have just handled the whole thing with Mallory just having the flashbacks in her head (something that other spy movies have done with good success) but he goes out of his way to make sure the audience knows that Mallory is absolutely spilling her guts to Scott. Not exactly the stealthiest of moves.

The other stand out “not spy” moment was when we were looking through the surveillance Mallory was using for a mission. She had written “Bad Guy #1” next to a picture of a man who looked like he regularly ate tiny cute mouselings for breakfast. Really Mallory? Were you afraid you would forget who the bad guy was? Did a four year old sneak in and write “Bad Guy” next to him or did you just forget how to write other more professional words like “target” “assailant” or “doo-doo head”

I could keep going: I could talk about how the fight scenes were “realistic” by which I would mean “boring yet somehow still not entirely believable.” Or talk about how despite everyone in the movie punching her to death Mallory seems incapable of losing consciousness. Or how the acting was bad. Or how whoever performed the soundtrack was probably using a “synthetic keyboard for toddlers” but I won’t. All I will tell you is you should not watch Haywire. Ever. I should not watch Haywire. No one should watch Haywire, except for the people who made Haywire who should be forced to watch until they learn where the “edit” button is.

In Conclusion:

In case you couldn’t tell from the pages long rant above: this was a bad movie.

I give it 1 loooooooooooooooooooooooooong “no one’s chasing you” chase scene out of 5.

(this movie only got that one cause it had Ewan MacGregor in it, and in honor of one of the best British accents ever, I couldn’t give it a zero)

 In conclusion to the conclusion: 

I just read an article where someone (in there defense this was written before the movie came out) talked about how important Haywire was because it was an experiment with action movies having a strong female character. WHAT?? Mallory wasn’t a strong female character. She was a largely emotionless person who happened to be a woman and mostly just walked around, jogged, and punched people in the face. She is implied to have had… relations… with Channing Tatum’s character who in the first ten minutes of the movie (literally the first she sees him since their tryst) she mercifully beats the Yoohoo out of. How is that a strong character? That (my friends) is a dumb character. I have nothing against strong female leads, I think they’re awesome, and just as important as strong male leads, what I have a problem with are stupid poorly written movies that pretend to be “exsperiments” in the hopes that you will forget what they really are “dumb”.

*stepping off soap box, and walking away.

  1. Cassie says:

    Ba ha ha ha! 🙂 So true! We love you, Filberta!! 🙂

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