I spent the last week or so looking at potential questions for Summer movies, and just as I was closing the “Questions” book and taking off my long, wool socks in preparation for a nice long summers nap I happened upon a trailer for the new GI Joe movie. GI Joe: Retaliation. And suddenly I was struck with: my headphones. Which came flying out of my ear and hit me in the face for joke related purposes.
After that, though, I was hit with: A question. And so I am contractually obligated to present you with…
The Extreme Bonus Director’s Cut Summer Questions Extra Package!!!
Could GI Joe Retaliation be… (gulp)… good?
Umm…. Maybe? And understand how revolutionary it is that I’m typing that because the first movie in the series was horrible. You could practically see the execs sitting in their offices going “Hey, let’s make a horrible terrible movie that will make money purely because we’re going to stick the words “GI Joe”, in the title. Also I hate kittens.” The execs said greedily rubbing their hands together. Channing Tatum was an amorphous blob of bad acting, the obnoxiously politically correct band of soldiers he was with was annoying, and the movies “love story” was preposterous and boring and stupid. The only good parts of the movie were the parts that involved Snake Eyes. The completely silent Ninja character who pwned everyone in the face. Other than that everyone who opened their mouth in this movie (including the usually brilliant Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Christopher Eccleston) mine as well have been spitting partially chewed sunflower seeds on me.
So, naturally, when they announced that they were making a sequel to a movie that had already had NO plot whatsoever I mocked it incessantly and prepared myself for another 2 hours worth of bad dialogue, poor plot development, and awesome Silent Ninja ownage.
And then the first trailer came out…. And it had the Rock in it… and it looked like the movie was actually going to begin by killing off everyone from the previous movie… it was like the movie was apologizing for how bad its predecessor had been. As if it was saying “Look, I’m sorry Channing Tatum’s face was in that movie. But I’m not my father okay? I’m not!!!” And then it proceeded to blow it’s father up with an Apache Helicopter. So it seemed like the movie was killing off the entire previous cast EXCEPT for Snake Eyes (the only part of that movie worth keeping). AND THEN Bruce Willis is apparently in the movie too. And so we were left with Bruce Willis and the Rock (two awesome, established action heroes) in charge of a renegade force of rag-tag soldiers out for revenge. Now that sounds like a good movie doesn’t it??
Take out the fact that it has the words “GI: Joe” in front of the word “Retaliation” and just focus on that. We’ve got Retaliation: Bruce Willis, the Rock, and an awesome kick butt Ninja person out on a quest for revenge and the good of America! I can get behind that idea!
They came out with a new trailer last week and it actually only made me MORE interested and optimistic about this whole “Retaliation” movie. The dialogue seemed good and (while certainly leaning a bit more towards cliché action hero archetypes) the characters look interesting. I’m certainly not saying that it’s going to be a “Dark Knight”-esque theater performance that changes the way we look at the world but I am saying that this could be an above average action movie! ABOVE average…. Man… I must be going soft or something.
Oh it should be noted that the Rock is trying to go by Dwayne Johnson these days because it sounds more actory and what not but I refuse to acknowledge this. You will always be the Rock to me, the Rock. I remember back when you were making cameo’s in “the Mummy Returns” as a poorly CGI’d scorpion-man. Let’s not pretend I don’t know who you are.
Also, it should be noted that if at any point this movie DOESN’T kill Channing Tatum I will walk out of the theater. Right. Then. Or if they pull a “I barely survived by jumping into a prairie dog hole” style come back for him I will also walk out of the theater. Walk. Out. Don’t test me, Movie. Don’t test me.