Weekly Headlines 04-09-12

Posted: April 9, 2012 by Micah in Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , ,

Well hey everyperson! Welcome to another episode of Weekly Headlines: Headlines That Are Not Even a Little Bit Weekly! Frankly when I stared this particular series it was apparently a desperately busy time in Hollywood because I had no problem at all coming up with all sorts of different stories and parodies and hysterical hijinks of the highest degree. Unfortunately that time ended and I ran out of things to write about. Now though, after weeks of careful trolling I have finally found enough news to make a new headlines… so… here.

The Hunger games entered its third straight number 1 week at the box office this week! Prompting every person who thinks he’s funny in this nation to make a “man people are hungry for those hunger games” joke. Which prompted me to kill them. And continue killing them. Cause they deserve it.

The new trailer for Total Recall hit the interweb last week. For those of you who don’t know Total Recall is essentially futuristic Inception if Inception were a computer program and it was even further in the future… also Collin Farrell. When asked if he felt threatened by the new movie Christopher Nolan (the Director of Inception) chuckled ominously and turned on the Bat signal.

I don't know what's real but it certainly isn't Colin Farrel's back...

Looper (a film hitting theaters in September) released its first poster this week. Looper is a movie that pits Joseph Gordon Levitt against a future version of himself played by Bruce Willis. My mind just blew up as I typed that, fortunately a future version of myself materialized and pieced it back together.

Normally they would have to photoshop this but gravity is far too intimidated by Bruce Willis to dare ruin his photoshoot.

Major League Baseball started its season this week! The Boston Red Sox promptly lost their first three games, firmly ensuring that my soul will be a puddle of whimpering baseball ridden tears for months to come.

The Three Stooges continues to be worked on. Who asked for this? Like really? I mean I think the three stooges are a great piece of history and maybe hilarious for the first two minutes or so but who decided that it would be a good idea to bring this series back? I mean I think cave drawings and raw meat are an important piece of history too but you don’t see me wandering out to the hills with a sharp stone and a loincloth do you? Of course you don’t! I only ever wear my loincloth inside for my secret Bear Summoning Dances. Which… are slightly less secret now…. I guess.

The Three Stooges: Cause we didn't know what else to do with our millions of dollars.

The Darkest Hour comes out on DVD this week. Darkest Hour was sort of a horrible terrible movie that no one watched when it was in theaters. As such, I look forward to continuing to not watch it in it’s brand new DVD format.

Lockout, a movie starring Guy Pierce hits theaters next week. I’m a little surprised I haven’t heard more about it. Plotwise it’s essentially “The Rock” meets “Mario” in space… which just typing that made me feel cooler. Not sure why there’s no hype for this movie… then again just cause you can make an awesome trailer doesn’t mean you can make an awesome movie. That’s like saying that just cause I have an attractive left wrist means I have the body of Brad Pitt in Troy… which I do by the way. Totally… do… have that.

Guy Pearce will blow you up. IN SPACE!!!!

And finally Bubba Watson won the Masters Golf tournament this weekend. When asked how he won Bubba said he “Just flipped that ‘coon right up through them there engine manifolds. Loobed it up real good like my grandma’s casserole used to lube my swing set when I was a’youngin.” In retrospect, we may have interviewed the wrong Bubba.

Ya know... he kinda looks like a Bubba....


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