Book excerpt

Posted: April 5, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

So it’s about a million o’clock at night and I have to wake up early so… I’m not going to post. I will however wish my fiance’ a VERY happy anniversary (cause she deserves it after putting up with me for an entire 12 months), and also wish myself a very happy Opening Day of Baseball Season!! An event that would normally be today’s highlight were it not for the anniversary of my dating an awesome (and incredibly attractive) woman.

Anyway, so since I’m not posting I have decided that I will give to you a gift, wrapped in the finest of German bears.

About a year and a half ago (you’ll note that is before I started dating said awesome woman) me and my friend Nate decided we wanted to sell a book. This book would have been awesome and amazing and epic and would have sold roughly a kajillion copies. We did not, however, actually write it. What we did do was have me write several chapters which I sent to Nate and which he (in turn) ignored entirely. So anyway all of that to say that I still like Nate (who (consequently) is one of the few people I know as excited about opening day as I am) and we didn’t write a book.

However, here below in words as clear and clean as the day they were written is an excerpt of that book.

P.S. PLEASE remember this was written a year and a half ago and that I was not in the wonderful committed relationship that I am currently in.


A Note to Our Readers: Please don’t mistake this book for other books you may have read which actually care about you or your feelings. This is a book all about men, and being a man, and because of this we intend to gratuitously insult pretty much everyone that reads this book in the attempt at fixing your problems the good old fashioned way. I.e. A butt kicking. This may keep you from reading this book, but that will make you less of a person and will mean that we killed a lot of trees to make this book for no reason. So by not buying this book you are nearly single handedly killing the entire environment, destroying the rain forests, and murdering several small rabbits.

A Note To Women: If you picked this book up odds are you are probably already mildly offended, and are looking at it like you would look at a hobo who just walked through your living room with wet cement on his shoes. Assuming you decide to read the book anyway be fully aware that you will be insulted. Don’t feel bad though, we the writers of this book fully intend to insult not just you but pretty much every man, woman, and mildly trained seal that reads this book.

For example: I hate mildly trained seals.

See? I bet you at least five mild-to-moderately trained seals just took this book and threw it across their tiny little cages before remembering that seals can’t read anyway. Stupid seals.

So women, you can read this book and you might even learn a few things about men, how they think (badly), and when they think (rarely). But what you will learn first and foremost is that we, the writers of this book, generally speaking have no idea what to do with women and as such (like the simpering immature toddlerish people we are) have every intent of flailing around in a temper tantrum just cause we can.

Chapter 1: A Brief Summary of Boyhood

The first thing you learn as a baby is that occasionally being nude is okay and in fact mandatory. After that you learn that occasionally men will jerk you around by a weird ropy like thing attached to your navel. This teaches you early on that people will occasionally jerk you around just cause they can. This is also why we wear shirts: to keep people from stealing our belly buttons.

Shortly after this you learn one fundamental thing that will stay with you for most of your life. Girls are the enemy. The battle between men and women, girls and boys, and cats and cradles has spanned for ages. Early cave type drawings found by people who actually care about such things have shown early cave women demanding early shoes from an early cave men who was trying to watch an early primitive sport (hockey). As a child you learn that the girls are the enemy and you believe this because you are a child and, thus, stupid. If parents taught their little boys that girls were the gentler, kinder sex maybe things would be different…

But probably not, because probably the little boy being told such things has already been told by Jeffrey Meffmin down the street that girls are spawned by the devil and he will, of course, believe Jeffrey because he is a child and, thus, stupid.

So really for the first twelve or so years of your life you will hate girls. And the girls that are the cutest you will hate even more and be even meaner to thus ruining any chance you will ever have of dating them when (at the age of twelve) through an extremely unfortunate accident called “puberty” you will discover that girls are actually okay on the whole. By then the damage has been done though and in the years of suffering and pustule infested volcanic facial eruptions that are puberty you will be completely alone and will be routinely laughed at and mocked by women. It’s a sad fate and I suppose if we cared we could also publish a book for children all about how to save themselves from suffering through pustule infested purgatory alone but frankly we don’t care that much, and hey we had to go through it, so why not them?

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