So I have a confession… I actually sort of kind of liked the new Three Musketeers movie. When I talked about this before I basically just ragged on the fact that this is a movie that’s been surpassed only by Santa Claus in the “weird re-imagings in which we turn the entire cast into sausages for no apparent reason” category. And yet, as I sat and watched the Three Musketeers (in 3d) unfolding (in 2d) before me I found myself (dare I say it) enjoying it.
Micah Reviews: The Three Musketeers
Okay so there’s a King of France and a Musketeer and some other Musketeers and some guys in Red who don’t like them. You all know the story so allow me to tell you it in the form of a dramatic poem.
There once was a King of France
Who happened to like baggy pants
And then there was a guy
Who thought he was more fly
And he left the old king out to dry.
But a young man named Dartanion
Wanted to get his musketeer on
So he journey by horse
To Paris of course
And threw down that baddie by force.
Okay so that didn’t work at all…. Ummm… I know I’ll do it as a musical!!
There used to be a French kingdom alone on the sea.
But it was ruled, by a red wearing priest
He remained a thug, he was high on a pill
But don’t you know
That his sword was cool
And the light from his face was so keen…
Wait wait… you guys can’t hear that music can you?? ummm… Got it… okay. Interpretive dance time!!!
…… triple axle… Double Salchow… Triple Sal Cow… How Now Brown Cow… and stab.
Okay… well I think that about sums it up. Let’s move on shall we?
The script for this movie really surprised me. Sure it had all the usual plot twists and musketeery talk about “All for one and one for all” but you could tell that someone actually put thought into the lines and characters and didn’t just puke up another generic “medieval honor” typed storyline like Leprechauns puke up tiny, delicious wafers. The movie has some really great comedy moments and while it never tries to be super deep or impactful I was surprised at how well thought out the characters were (especially Athos, who was played surprisingly well by Matthew MacFadyen (yes that’s how he actually spells it)).
The swordfights in the movie are suitably cool and pointy things get thrown all about in a suitably refreshing way. There’s just something so innately sweet about people fighting with old French rapiers that even if the rest of this movie was terrible (which it isn’t) the fight scenes would totally be worth it.
Two words: Milla Jovavich. Now on the, whole I guess I have no problem with the actress from whatever country they name their children Milla Jovavich in. I have seen her in some things that I genuinely liked, but for some reason in this movie she just comes on way way WAY to strong. It’s like with every line she speaks the Director told her to try and seduce the camera. I realize the character she plays is sort of like that which made it somewhat forgivable but there’s a difference between being a seductive woman and turning everything you say into a vanilla covered strawberry of seductively seductive seduction sedative.
The King of France sort of annoyed me. His character was supposed to be annoying but there’s a fine line between being an annoying character and me stabbing you with a spear made out of Grizzly bear. The Queen of France was (frankly) unattractive. Weirdly unattractive. Like you just looked at her and thought “huh… she’s ugly.” Really though, these are all fairly minor nitpicky things that don’t ruin what was a surprisingly good movie.
Three Musketeers (in 3d) is a surprisingly well written movie that gets by with a good script, a decent cast of actors who (while not superstars) work very well together, and just a sense of overall fun. It’s a movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously and just lets you fall into a fun world full of evil cardinals, and an abundance of stabby things.