Well in case you were wondering I didn’t get a chance to watch Grimm’s Snow White (as I said I might in Monday’s blog) this week. It wasn’t that I’m a grad student and barely have time to sleep, eat, or do the vicious muscle building work out that I totally don’t make up; so much as it is I don’t have a car. Anyway though in lieu of making fun of an undoubtedly terrible movie, I will now take a walk through a day in the life of my fake NBA typed person that I totally have.
The game is NBA 2K 12 a game that has something called “My Player” mode. In “My Player” Mode you get to create a guy who really really stinks at basketball and build him up through the various professional stages of: really really stinks, really stinks, stinks, smells okay, smells pretty decent, smells like a slightly used bar of dove soap, smells like Irish Springs soap, and finally smells like a bear covered in mint flavored honey.
I’m actually not a huge basketball fan but I follow it enough to keep myself up and I’m a huge fan of games that let you create a player and pretend like you could do things that I could never actually do. I’m looking forward to a game that lets me create “My Blogger” so that I can actually write.
Anyway these days I play Point Guard for the Phoenix Suns… or at least I did. So here’s a look at the life of Suns Point Guard Micah Thompson.
Sunday: Dec. 12th.
I and my team are currently rolling like a rolling pin, rolling over supple breads. We’ve logged 14 wins in a row and are first in our division by three games. I’m the league leader in scoring AND assists (when you pass the ball to someone and they score). And things are generally great. Last season this team (me, Richard Hamilton, Tayshawn Prince, JJ Hickson, and Joakim Noah) went to the finals before getting beat by the antichrist of basketball: The Miami Heat. So right now we’re on a revenge campaign wielding our wounded ego’s like weapons of mass destruction as we stride onto wooden courts all across America.
Monday: Dec 13th.
Well… there goes the win streak. We lost to the Wizards last night. For those of you who don’t know the Wizards might be the worst team in basketball but for some reason last night they all became the second coming of Michael Jordan! We still almost won, but in a stunning example of snatching defeat from the Jaws of victory, JJ Hickson decided to take a last minute turn around jumper instead of passing the ball to the guy standing four feet away from him who was wide open. Still though it’s only one loss though right? I mean hey, you can’t win every game. Thus I shall sleep soundly this night and tomorrow (we have a day off) and be ready to attack the court the next day like Dr. Quinn Medicine woman attacked Sully when she was giving birth.
(I have very vivid memories of this scene. The two of them were stuck out in the woods somewhere and Sully had to deliver the baby… which is a phrase that has never made much sense to me. I mean they say a doctor delivers a baby but surely the woman delivers the baby right? I mean the doctor just sort of receives it… Like football except less tackling and more awkard hospital gowns… ironically the two have roughly the same amount of screaming.)
Tuesday: Dec 14th.
I wake up early on this particular Tuesday and head down to the gym to put in some reps and work on the form of my silky smooth jumper. I get to the gym and low and behold someone made a trade!?! What?!?! Hitherto?? Whereformore? We just won 14 games in a row! Top of the division! Defending losers of the finals… okay that last one could have been worded better, but still. What the fish, man? They traded J.J. Hickson (told you he should have passed it) and Tayshawn Prince for Tim Duncan and some guy no one has ever heard of. They then turned around and also traded Richard Hamilton and a draft pick for Chauncey Billups and Shawn Marion. So yeah… a day after a 14 game win streak my front office blows up the entire team except for me and Joakim Noah! But hey that’s okay… I guess. I mean Tim Duncan is great and I guess we needed Marion since he plays the same position as the dearly departed Tayshawn Prince but… man.
Also Chauncey Billups?? He plays point guard. I play point guard and I already have a backup who doesn’t get to play enough and has taken to crocheting violent depictions of my death while he waits for his four minutes of play a game. Why on earth do we need Chauncey Billups?
Anyway after one of those super awkward mixers that they do in Youth Groups where you have to, like, stick a post card with a nationality on our foreheads or something we all decide to go home. Me and Joakim (the guy who I always played the best with anyway and who had been on the team longer than anyone) paid a sad tribute to our dearly departed teammate JJ Hickson and missed a crucial turn around jumpshot.
Wednesday: December 15th
Won our game tonight. Awkward trying to figure out who everyone is. Usually I just looked for the guys I knew or tried to feel the waves of selfishness pooring off of JJ, but now I don’t know what to do. Tim Duncan is cool cause I can pretty much just give him the ball and let him do his thing but he’s so old they have to sub him out every two minutes and dunk him in arthritis cream. Other than that it’s pretty much just me and Joakim doing that thing we do. He blocks shots, I make shots, and occasionally set him up for an alley up so he can feel like he’s participating. It’s a good system. After the game we sing “The Best of Friends” from the Fox and the Hound and go out to Taco Bell for some Chalupas.
Thursday: Decemeber 16th.
THEY TRADED JOAKIM NOAH!!!! What? How the? Who the? Not only did they trade Joakim Noah but they traded him to the Bulls for Steve Nash and Martin Goartadt the same two guys that they traded to the Bulls the year before when I became the starting point guard. What the… Who the… how the…
Anyway after pulling all the knives from my spinal column I walked into the stadium ready to play and was informed that I wasn’t playing point guard anymore. I was now a shooting guard. What the?? Who the?? How the?? Anyway we won the game tonight largely cause I got hot and made my last ten shots but still… weird times.
Friday: December 17th.
Day off. Sang sad songs in my bedroom all about how no one understands me and how if only people would know me for me… so basically every song ever by Miley Cyrus. After that I got more depressed and just sat around eating pudding pops and quoting the lyrics to old Beatles songs.
Saturday: December 18th.
Lost tonight. I keep expecting the team to trade people so I can get back to doing that whole “leading the league in points and assists” thing that I did before but it doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m not scoring as much cause I don’t touch the ball and my assists are way down. Even my defensive numbers have plummeted now that I’m essentially just chasing a guy around who doesn’t have the ball. It’s weird. Like wearing a pair of sandals for the first time and thinking “man I need to break these sandals in” and then looking down and realizing your sandals are in facts two muskrats who are slowly gnawing away at your shin bones.
Sunday: December 19th.
Won tonight. Probably just cause everytime they passed me the ball I shot it. I feel selfish but we all learned what happens when I don’t score last night and what happened was we lost! I finally went to the front office and asked for a trade. It’s just weird not playing my position. And it’s weirder playing on this team without any of the guys that I used to play with. No idea if a trade will actually go down but until then I’m just gonna keep writing “Take A Sad Song and Make It Better” on the grass in front of my house with the discarded remains of pudding pop containers.
(Skipping ahead several days.)
Wednesday: December 22nd.
Got traded to the Boston Celtics!! Win for me. Hopefully a win for them and a semi-fond farewell to Phoenix. I liked playing for you guys but man… this is like what would have happened if N’Sync randomly broke up but the only person to go on to any success was Justin Timberlake… oh wait… nevermind.
So anyway there’s a look into the weird world of my made up self who now plays for the Celtics. I’m very excited about this and congratulations to making it to the end of what might be the weirdest blog I have ever written. Tell you what, next week Monday I will definitely post a live blog of Grimm’s Snow White… just to make it up to you.