New on Redbox 03/12/2012

Posted: March 12, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Hey everyone, well it’s time for another Monday posting and as I stood and looked out at my vast internet kingdom, I thought to myself. “Self, every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song.” And when I was done quoting the lyrics to old songs by oddly named rock groups, I decided to sit down and right another post about Redbox! Not because I’ve been way too busy to watch any new movies lately, but because I believe that all men, women, and various mutant lizard type things who might read this in the future “Giant Lizard Society of Indonesia” deserve to be free from the tyranny of bad movies! So read on denizens of the interweb. And be free.

Jack and Jill-

Look at this picture and tell me this won't be a terrible movie? Yeah... I didn't think so.

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Nope.

I would like to officially submit to the world that Adam Sandler is no longer funny. Officially submitted. Let me just describe to you the main plot point of this movie: Adam Sandler has a twin sister also played by Adam Sandler. There are certain movie script ideas that sit at the bottom of the “Comedians Who Have Run Out of Original Ideas” trash can, and this is the one at the bottom. In fact this is the idea that is stuck to the bottom with the chewing gum of other less funny people. In fact, this is the idea stuck to the bottom and used as waste paper for the pigeons of other less funny, homeless people. And yet somehow Adam Sandler still thought this was a good idea. If you value your brain, you will not watch Jack and Jill.

 Grimm’s Snow White-

Okay is it just me or does it look like someone photoshopped Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" into the front of this picture?

Have I Seen It- Nope

Will I- Maybe… for comedy purposes.

I love it when this happens. For those of you who don’t know there are two movies this summer that are “live action spins on Snow White… and things”.  One of them (Mirror Mirror) looks like it was designed, written, and acted by dyslexic dolphins. And the other one looks pretty cool and has Chris Awesome Hemsworth in it. Anyway this movie is neither of those movies but is hoping that when you go to Redbox you’ll think “Oh I heard about that movie. It looked decent.” And rent it, hoping to watch Chris Hemworth hack at things with axes.

I feel like this picture is all the proof I need that Mirror Mirror will be a horrible movie.

Anyway by all accounts this movie looks terrible, is terrible, and will continue to be terrible but I might rent it just cause I want to sit and make fun of it in a gregarious sort of way.

Footloose-

Tune in for the thrilling sequel to Footloose, Carloose!!

Have I seen it- Nope.

Will I- Probably not.

By all accounts this was a movie that wasn’t as terrible as its premise sounds. Then again when your premise is “A small town where dancing is illegal is changed forever by the arrival of a rebellious dancing guy and a preachers daughter” really the only place to go is up. Regardless of all that though, supposedly the movie wasn’t terrible. But, then again… again, if someone came up to me and said: “Hey I made this crème bule out of the corpse of my pet Komodo Dragon, Herbert the Conqueror, and it’s not terrible.” I wouldn’t exactly be standing in line with my plate held anxiously afore me. Frankly there are a lot of “not terrible” movies that I would rather watch. For instance…

Hugo

I feel like the whole "Hanging perilously from a clock" thing has officially been overdone. Sort of like horror movies have overdone "decapitated statue of liberty." Thus I propose a new craze "hanging perilously from the decapitated statue of liberty."

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Maybe Probably…

There are two distinct groups where Hugo is concerned there’s the “yeah, I really liked it” group who are mostly people who watch a lot of movies and are generally intelligent and slightly pretentious. And then there’s the “Yeah it looked kinda cool but I never really understood what was going on.” These are generally people who weren’t paying attention or came to the theater waiting for something to get blown up. On the whole I would generally recommend Hugo, which (for those of you who haven’t heard) is sort of a shout out to classic films and filmmakers. I haven’t watched it yet (obviously) but I plan to and will probably have more to say on its relative pretentiousness when I’m done.

There Be Dragons-

Probably the greatest waste of the word "dragon" in modern film history.

Have I Seen It- No.

Will I- Definitely not.

You know what this movie is about? Two friends in the Spanish Revolution who wind up on opposite sides of the conflict. You know what this movie isn’t about?? DRAGONS!!! You can’t just tack dragons onto the end of your movie to make people watch it! That’s like misrepresenting the entire proud dragon race!! Dragonheart had a dragon in it! How to Train Your Dragon, Dragon Crusades, Puff the Magic etc. you know what all of those movies have in common?? Actual Dragons!!! I mean at least “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” told us that the only dragons we would be getting would be in tattoo form. And don’t try and tell me you somehow snuck a dragon into pre-World War 2 Spain, Movie. I am officially not watching this purely out of principle. The only time I can remember being this disappointed in a movie title was when I realized that Remember the Titans was really just a touching story of football and racism in the South and not about a football team comprised of mythological greek gods… which is actually a great idea for a movie… umm… Copyright that idea…

Well I hope you all have a great Monday. Check back in here on Thursday for (possibly) another live blog movie… thing depending on if I can snag a few free hours and a copy of Grimm’s Snow White. I’m gonna go write a movie pitch for that football idea now… I’m thinking of calling it “First and Titan”…

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Comments
  1. Did you see the original Footloose? If you are generation too young for that, then, no, the remake probably isn’t for you. However, if you were an 80’s child, you would prob appreciate the remake, as it is pretty true to the original, while suitably modernized for current ‘public consumption.’

  2. PS…I’d be pissed if I rented a movie and there were no dragons…

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