So we’ve done a list of my top ten comic book heroes and I think maybe even my least favorite heroes… I think… if not that’s a good idea… stay tuned. Anyway, I decided today was a good day to start delving into the world of villains in a competition I like to call…
Looking at Movie Villains and the Awesomess of their Sauces.
And our first contestant is…
The Wicked Witch of the West
One of the classics of film villainy, the Wicked Witch of the West scampers all about Oz in search of some shoes… for reasons I do not know… What was up with the shoes anyway? Did we just like them cause they were ruby? Did she really want to go to Kansas that badly? I mean I know people who live in Kansas who don’t want to go to Kansas… but anyway let’s get to the grading.
Evil Plan: Take the Ruby Slippers and do… something. (Teachers Note: Vague plan, undefined parameters and unclear goals. I’ve come to expect better from you.)
Evil Plan Grade= F.
Minions: Flying winged monkeys. (Teachers note: points for creativity, minus points for functionality. Since when was trusting monkeys with important work a good idea? If I was trying to steal something my first thought would not be “I should let a monkey do it!” The wings do not help)
Minion Grade: C
How you got taken out: Water to the face. (Teachers note: First off why do you have buckets of water sitting around the palace if you’re allergic to the point of death? That’s like me having buckets of poisoned chinchillas sitting unattended in my dorm room. Second: water? Of all the things to be allergic to you were allergic to water??)
How you got taken out Grade: F- –
Total Grades: F.
Final Sauce: The Weakest of Sauces.
Ah Sauron. Middle Earth’s biggest villain! A terrorizer of Hobbits, a maker of Nazgul, a builder of fine jewelry. What more could you ask for from a villain??
Evil Plan: Rule Middle earth. Punch Hobbits in the face. (Teachers Note: Unimaginative but still I’ll give you points for being straight forward and easy to remember. None of this confused vaguery thing. Just: go, fight, win.)
Evil Plan Grade: B
Minions: Most famously the nine riders but also Trolls, Orcs, and giant elephants. (Teachers Notes: The Nine Riders are great but the whole “They hate water thing” is an issue. I mean is it really so hard for them to sign up for some swim classes at the local YMCA? (Young orc!! (do doo do do doo) I say Young Orc!!) And yeah a Giant Elephant sounds like a great idea but I wouldn’t want to be any of the people swarming around said giant elephant or on the “Giant Elephant Waste Disposal Crew”)
Minion Grade: B
How You Got Taken Out: Over-confidence. Why go marching off into battle in the first place there Sauron? I mean your orcs seemed to have a rather huge advantage number wise. Secondly why wear your ring over your armor? Why not keep it underneath it as opposed to supplying your enemies with a glowing, golden target? Then you proceeded to just leave an open door into the giant mountain that doubles as the one place on earth the ring could be destroyed. I’m just saying… a little humility here)
Taken Out Grade: C-
Total Grade: C+
Final Sauce: Mild Sauce
The first villain in the Old Spiderman series, Green Goblin was a crazy man, in a crazy suit, on crazy pills.
Evil Plan: Be crazy. (Again with the poorly defined goals. At some point in here there was this thing with you killing the board members of your company so you could stay in power, but once you did that you just sort of wondered around, aimlessly blowing up things. Nothing wrong with that per se but as the great Plato once said “I hope they name something gooey that children will eat, after me.”)
Evil Plan Grade: C (I’m giving you a better score then the witch here cause at least you had goals that made sense at some point).
Minions: None. (See this is where you dropped the ball. Poorly defined crazy is one, thing but having no minions at all is just unacceptable. I mean whose supposed to make stupid decisions for you? Or tip off the hero as to your true identity? Come on.)
Minion Grade: Not Applicable.
How You Got Taken Out: Stabbed by your own stupid glider. (See… this here is the sort of thing that will get you kicked right out of class. Sure it sounds better then say… death by water but the hard truth of things is that you got murdered by yourself. And don’t try any of that “Spiderman dodged it at the last minute” business. Because even if you had hit Spiderman the glider still WOULD HAVE STABBED YOU!! No matter what happened with your plan you would have been dead. That’s what we call a lose-lose, young Mr. Goblin. Lose-lose.)
Taken Out Grade: F- –
Final Grade: Kicked out of class. Ya moron.
Final Sauce: No Sauce. Just mild, watery soup.
Well this has already been an egregiously long post so I think I’ll wrap this up for now. But come on back on Monday for a new post and I’m sure we’ll be re-visiting Villianology soon to give out some more grades to some more villains.