Judging Covers 03/01/12

Posted: March 1, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

And here we are, gathered together once more to watch me talk about movies that I have not seen yet. That no one has seen yet, cause they have not been released. But will that stop me from opening up my old pickle jar and pouring some of my vaunted vaguely dill flavored sarcasm upon them? Not likely.

(As usual you can watch any of these trailers by going to http://www.apple.com/trailers )

The FP-

Ummm... These boots weren't made for dancing

So… this might be the worst idea ever for a movie.

Random probably not overly intelligent person: “So I’ve got this idea for a movie! In a post-apocalyptic society, rival gangs fight each other not by using sword or guns or even their fists but by playing Dance Dance Revolution!! They put on these huge boots that look like they weigh roughly the same as a pregnant yak and then they dance and whoever loses dies!!…”

Studio executive: “This sounds like an idea I could get behind. Tell you what: take this money and go find the worst actors you can possibly get and we’ll start shooting this puppy tomorrow!!”

I literally spent this entire trailer waiting for that whole, ironic thing where an apparently serious movie turns out to be a comedy… but it never came. This movie takes itself, and what might be the most ridiculous premise ever for a movie, very VERY seriously. I’m officially gonna start pitching a movie idea where rival gangs in a post-apocalyptic universe settle their disputes by playing life or death games of tic-tac-toe… which actually makes more sense than the premise of this movie… I literally cannot come up with a more stupid idea… Maybe a post-apocalyptic world where rival gangs fight each other by life or death matches of hedgehog staring?? Nope… still not weird enough…


If you took out the words Brave in the background this could totally be the poster for the new animated Anne of Green Gables... which is a TERRIBLE idea...

So as much as Pixar wants you to believe it this is NOT a trailer. A trailer is a piece of filmary that gives you the idea of what the movie’s plot is about. This is a clip. A short chunk of a movie that lets you watch a small part of it. All I know about this movie right now is: there’s a very VERY large man in it. What’s her name the red headed girl hates dresses more then I hate the trailer for The FP, and this movie will, apparently, prominently feature men in kilts acting inappropriately. So Brave: a movie about tearing clothes, shooting arrows, and old man bums. Oh goody.

John Carter-

Yup… another John Carter trailer. I am SO excited that this movie is coming out because it means that Disney will STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO WATCH IT!! I would have watched it originally but after EIGHT MONTHS of trailers and clips and advertisements and commemorative fish shaped promotional Elk washers I am no longer going to watch it. I no longer care Disney. No longer.

I was going to put a picture of the poster for John Carter here but then I remembered I didn't care...

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Yes you read that title correctly. The major premise of this movie seems to be that Lincoln was secretly some sort of awesome vampire hunter person with an axe… Not really sure how I feel about this. Sure it’s kind of a weird idea but hey weird ideas have made great movies before right? Plus this movie has one major thing going for it in that it is a movie with vampires in it that isn’t Twilight. So… that’s always good right? Right? I actually have a great idea for a sequel for this movie called George Washington: Werewolf Hunter in which George Washington marches around killing Taylor Lautner.

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games continue to very much intrigue me and make me want to read those books a lot. That’s really all I have to say on the matter except that the woman who pulls that name out of the bowl has officially taken first place in my “Alive Person who Looks Most Like A Zombie” list. She overtook previous leader: Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman one of the most dead alive people I can think of.

Wrath of the Titans

Wrath of the Titans: Are two heads really better then one?

The trailers for this movie look awesome. But the trailers for the last movie looked awesome too and the last movie (Remember the Titans) looked nothing like this and had Denzel Washington doing… wait… I mean Clash. Clash of the Titans… that makes more sense. The trailers for Clash of the Titans were awesome and that movie was kind of terrible… thus I remain dubious about this entire thing despite the fact that it appears to feature the first ever Siamese twin swordsmen.. or swordsman… hard to tell.

The Avengers

Avengers: Cause Photoshop Totally Works...

But enough of that frivolity. Let’s get to the real reason we’re here! Let’s talk Avengers. My reservations about this movie are well documented and can concisely be summed up in two words Fantastic Four. Or two other words: Ensemble Casting-never-works. But it seems with every carefully released piece of media for this movie I get more excited… Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, and that other guy who plays Captain America all seem to be pulling their weight very well and I’m definitely looking forward to watching Downey Jr. and Ruffalo play off each other. The trailer is just awesome and well put together and the script looks tight. Of course it’s only a trailer so who knows what’s actually going to be on screen but this trailer is certainly getting me more and more excited for May 4th to roll around so I can find out for myself.

And as an added bonus here are some movies I’m looking forward to that will be coming to a theater near you this March!!

Ummm…. uhhh…. Well there’s the Hunger Games!!! But I already talked about that. Also… ummm…. well there’s… Wrath of the Titans!! But I already talked about that too. Well then… I guess March isn’t exactly going to be a huge one for movies but hey just remember that this summer features: Batman, Spiderman, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, a new Bourne Movie, The Hulk, Iron-man, that guy who plays Captain America, and Thor!! Feel better?

  1. Lindsay says:

    I literally have no idea how The FP isn’t a joke. Not a clue.

  2. dbean935 says:

    Are you kidding? I can’t wait to see it…

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