Five Things I Learned From Snow White

Posted: February 27, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: ,

In my continued campaign to be less artistically pretentious I’m now going to mock a Disney Classic! This is as opposed to pretentiously mocking a movie you haven’t seen… which when you put it that way makes it sound like a really bad idea. But hey, if there’s one thing I stand for it’s taking an idea that was probably bad already, and making it terrible!!

Oh Disney. You have taught us so many life lessons over the years. Lessons that I cannot fully fathom the scope of. Lessons like: saying “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is somehow a good thing and not something that will land you in the insane asylum next to Fred the Singing Stallion. Or lessons like: If I believe is magic than I will one day be able to be wed to a man who I have only spoken to once. These sorts of lessons. But what better lessons could there be then those we gleaned from your very first magical foray into the realm of drawings that somehow come to life: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. So here’s a look at 5 things I learned from Snow White.

This list goes according to the timeline of the movie… or at least as according to the timeline as I remember. I may or may not have not watched this movie since I was 5.

1. Singing alone to wells will invariably attract good-looking single men who will woo you. Woo You…. wow that’s fine to type, you try that some time. Woo you woo you woo you… I’m gonna stop now.

"Oh the wonderful sound of me!!!"

Having trouble finding that perfect mate? Unlucky in love? Try our patented “Sing to a Well Like a Crazy Person” formula and you’ll be guaranteed to attract all sorts of hunky basketball playing aged men. If “Singing Like A Crazy Person” doesn’t work for you try our companion products “Talking to birds” or “Having the Intelligence of a Peach.” If none of these work for you, you obviously don’t believe in the power of Magic and should try out our new formula “Be Less Crazy”

2. All worthwhile men will enter your life riding a pony and singing a song.

After extensive research I am 85 percent sure that this is a man... Pony not pictured... there may not have actually been a pony... I don't remember. But we'll pretend like there was one anyway. Also: woo you.

Are you wondering who you should date? Trying to figure out if Pat Meltsburger across the street is really for you? Well do we have the answer for you! Call now and you can order our “Glue Him to a Pony” package. It’s as easy as glueing him to a pony and forcing him to sing about how he only ever loves you. That’s right “Glue Him to A Pony” where if his song captivates your heart and whisks you away to glory land, you probably inhaled to much of that glue!

3. When Life Gets Tough Move in With Seven Tiny Men

Has life turned against you? Do friends not like you? Is someone desperately trying to take out your heart and put it into a box? Well then you’re just the sort of person who needs our “Live in a Cabin with Tiny Men” plan. Not only are they crass, dirty dwarves who may or may not spend their days in a mine inhaling noxious fumes, but their house has literally violated every single article in this years “Minorly Okay Housekeeping” magazine. But wait, there’s more!! Not only will you invariably catch diseases from the dwarves and their household full of uncleaned pointy objects, but there are all forms of forest animals who will be living in there with you!! Look forward to: being forced to cook meals, cleaning the house with the aid of live spiders, and having a bunch of tiny men staring at you while you sleep!! It’s a vacation to die on!! I mean for…. A vacation die for!!

Someone please explain to me how this isn't insanely creepy?

4. Don’t trust old people.

Is that old man across the street asking for you to mow his lawn again? Is that old lady looking for someone to help her across the street? Well whatever you do DON’T DO IT! Cause those old people are probably out to kill you. Is that a lawn mower in Mr. Bearfaces hand? Or is it a cursed machine of doom programmed to hunger for mortal flesh?? Is Mrs. Burgerflavor carrying a walking stick? Or is it an evil giraffe, waiting to gnaw your face off, disguised as a walking stick? The only way to survive is to stay away from them!!! Run! If an old person comes to you looking for help throw your shoe at them and run! It’s the only way to survive!!

"No Grandma!!! Put your apples back where they came from!! I'm on to you and your evil schemes to steal my piggy bank and date Tommy Mankinson..."

5. If someone you care about dies. You should kiss them.

I love the smell of rigormortis in the morning...

Wish you had more time with Aunt Gertrude? Did Uncle Ted never give you that ten dollars he owed you? Well you should look at purchasing our “Kiss’em Alive” package. All you have to die is buy and kiss, and kiss goodbye… to bye!! So go ahead, have more time with that person you never actually spoke to but who glued you to a pony once! As they say down in the marketing department “Don’t worry about the inevitable side effects of inhaling the dead air in that decomposing body! Kiss on you dirty palm.” Yeah… we don’t like them much either.

Well there you have it! 5 things I learned from Snow White… which apparently became an infomercial. I have no idea why! Of course it may have something to do with the fact that I get roughly the same amount of sleep at night as a worried squirrel gets during the climactic scene in the all falcon version of King Leer but hey, it’s something anyway! I’ll see you Thursday!!

All I'm saying is that if at any point this was the most attractive woman in your kingdom... you should probably move.


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