Weekly Headlines 02/16/12

Posted: February 16, 2012 by Micah in Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

In our lead story Jeremy Lin (a basketball player for the New York Knicks) has officially ruined the lives of English teachers everywhere. The term “Linsanity” has taken over the sports media world! “Linsanity” has been accompanied by other far less cool words like “linside the house” “lintrepid” and “the fall of the lindenburg.” When interviewed a prominent English teacher said “I think it’s all so lincorrigible…. I mean incorrigible… I mean… I am a trader to my kind!!! Life isn’t worth linving… I mean living! I mean…” And he jumped off a lidge. I mean… bridge.

No matter how cool Jeremy Lin becomes, the English Language will never forgive him.

A few weeks back when the new Miss America Laura Kaeppeler was crowned she (on public television) asked Aaron Rodgers, quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, to call her. I have no idea whether he did or not but as far as A: girls to ask you out. and B: ways to get asked out. That’s not bad. I was going to insert a joke here about the relative intelligence level of Miss America or talk about how she chose the night that Aaron Rodgers and the Packers were eliminated from the playoffs to ask him out but a wave of sentimental warmth for mankind and belief in the power of love swept over me like a tidal wave of tiny nude babies. A single arrow has pierced my cold heart of stone… so good luck Miss America. Good luck.

The Vow, a movie starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum, took the top spot at the box office this week. The Vow is about a happily married couple who get in an accident and Rachel McAdams loses her memory. After this Tatum must spend the rest of the movie trying to make Rachel fall in love with him and convince her that he can actually act.

Just behind The Vow was Safe House a movie starring Denzel Washington as a super spy and Ryan Reynolds as a not super spy. I feel like we could combine these two movies and make something called The Safe Vow where McAdams gets in an accident and loses her memory only to discover that she’s married to Super Spy Denzel Washington who is currently wanted for the murder of Channing Tatum. Now THAT is a movie I would watch.

Opening this weekend are two other diametrically opposed movies “This Means War” and “Ghost Rider 2: We Apologize for Ghost Rider 1.” “This Means War” is a movie about Reese Witherspoon and how two spies both fall in love with her and have to fight against each other in a hilarious series of… zzzz…. zzzz…. Ghost Rider is a movie about a skull ON FIRE. Yeah… shut up Reese. And yes that noise a moment ago was the sound of the arrow in my heart being expelled by my live-in heart defender: Bernie the Sarcastic Hedgehog.

Bernie's Hedgehog Heart defense. Because the best defense, is a good hedgehog.

John Carter recently released 97 more photos from the movie and an all new Promo. I officially loathe this movie and I haven’t even seen it yet. I would rather give my ten dollars to Manny’s Glass Juggling Emporium then spend them on John Carter. Well done marketing department. Well done.

Taylor Swift was beat out by Adele at this years Grammy Awards.Taylor was very disappointed and said that Adele was “Mean” and “The Reason for the Teardrops on My Guitar.” She then giggled adorably and strummed on a golden banjo while swan diving into a pool of money.

I can't shake the feeling that Taylor Swift buys Adele CD's just to keep things interesting.

And finally: some say love it is a river, that drowns the tender reed. Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed. When the night has been to lonely, and the road has been too long. Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows. Lies the seed that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose…. … sorry Bernie.

I have no reason for putting this here.

  1. Lydia says:

    Can you write another post where you raz the existence of The Vow a little more? I’m actually not kidding–this did my heart good.

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