Beauty and the Beast

Posted: February 9, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: ,

So I started out with this big review of a movie called Contagion that first came out onDVDthis week and harped on about Gwenyth Paltrow and the plight of Matt Damon but like the clear ringing of silver flutes ushering in the sunrise of a new day I could hear the shouting of the common man. The man who didn’t have time to watch Contagion in theaters! Who didn’t care to have to douse himself in hand sanitizer after watching a major motion picture. And so… I will not review Contagion (today). I will not talk about Lawrence Fishburns extremely unfortunate mustache or the massive space in Jude Laws teeth through which (if one desired) one could drive a small John Deere tractor… or a small Deer, named John Tractor…. either/or.

No. Instead on this day, on this somewhat sacred ground, I shall review a movie for all men (and small girls) a movie that has touched each of our lives in ways more wonderful then we can imagine, a movie featuring an incredibly dense woman, a movie called… Beauty and the Beast.

Micah Reviews: Beauty and the Beast.

Is no one else horribly afraid of Mrs. Potts? Doesn't that sound like someone you should be afraid of? "Look out guys... Mrs. Potts is coming!"

The plot:

This is a story about a Prince, a story all about how his life got changed flipped upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how he became the Prince of a town called Bel-air… I mean… wait. No. Sorry.

Eh-hem. So this story is about a Prince who lives in a castle in the clouds… wow… He lives in a castle. And one day an old hag woman comes to his house and knocks on his door and says something about “lodging for the evening.” The Prince says “go away you old hag” and so the hag curses him with a curse word. Not knowing that the reason she was turned away was because the Prince was currently battling an infection, and had the hag entered his house she would have caught this horrible disease and died within 24 to 48 hours. But does the hag care? NO. Does she do any form of research to find out why the Prince turned her away? NO. Does she believe in Magic? In a young girls heart? NO! So anyway not only does she unjustly curse the Prince, she even more unjustly curses the Prince’s entire staff of underprivileged workers who he hired out of the goodness of his Princely heart. So you’re telling me the Beast is uncaring? Bah. Hah. I laugh at you and your ideals.

Anyway, after that, the Beast is understandably upset and makes some poor life decisions. For instance: kidnapping. He kidnaps some chicks father and when the chick comes looking for her father (ransom bread in hand) he kidnaps her too… Anyway Belle (the kid who was napped… it actually doesn’t sound that bad when you say it that way. It just sort of sounds like someone is letting you take a nap… and be a kid. Man… sign me up for that.) Anyway… Belle/Bell tragically develops what psychologists call Stockholm Syndrom and falls in love with her captor.

Stockholm Syndrome. "Ya know at first I was really upset when you forced me to live here and stole me from my friends and family and locked me in a tower and stuff... but now... I... I love you!"

Somewhere in here Gaston (burly president of the local Chuck Norris fan club) rallies his men to attack the Beast, seize his castle, and liberate the Stockholmed Bell who (after one to many dips into the local magic dust) has begun singing with the flatware. Gaston dies somehow through one of those “you totally would have lived if only you hadn’t been such a mean person” scenarios, andBelland the Beast (as he is known on the football field) fall in love and everything is all warm and fuzzy. Then he transforms into the Prince again. The two are happily married and have a strong baby boy named Alexander Graham who to this day is credited with the invention of the telephone.

"What happened to the man I fell in love with?... I mean the hideous Beast thing... that I fell in love with."

Positives, Negatrons, and stuff in between.

I’m not even attempting to label this one. Beauty and the Beast is a movie everyone should watch at least once. The songs are catchy, the voice acting is good, and when you grow up to be a mean, sarcastic, dashingly handsome movie critic you can write a post like this and make mothers across the world angry with you.

A serious moment: This is a great movie and it’s a classic for a reason. Obviously this is a humor site and as such I am sarcastic and irreverent because that is why you are here.  But movies like this are so important, I think, to who we are as people. Yeah, when you’re an adult it’s easy to look back and pick apart a movie like this because it’s unrealistic and filled with “family friendly plotholes” but ya know what? That’s exactly the way it should be. I think we get distracted sometimes by our need for gritty realism and forget that we really do live in an incredibly beautiful world. A world where anything is possible and where magic really does exist (if we only bothered to look for it). Sure realism has it’s place and obviously as we get older we lose some of our starry eyed view of the world, but I really do hope that I never ever would watch a movie like Beauty and the Beast without surrendering a little bit of my cynicism and allowing myself to be swept away and shown that magic all over again!

So there you have it oh sounding flutes. A review for you all!! Check back on Monday when I review a brand new stage production of Fiddler on the Roof! Thanks for reading!!

P.S. I have a tumblr account nowadays. I got it cause someone I know and respect as a writer got one and I felt the need to create an account and now I feel the need to use the account. So if you’re interested in me writing more random things of less length and more grammatical homicide click on the link below. Thank you and good night.

http://thoughtswemighthavehad.tumblr.com

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