Okay so I didn’t actually watch the Super Bowl this year. I meant to. And wanted to. And was going to. However, my fiancé (who I love very much) was stricken ill on said super bowl Sunday and when given a choice between watching grown sweaty men run into each other at high speeds while getting paid ridiculous sums of money, and taking care of the ailing woman I love: I chose the woman. Mock me if you will.
Anyway, it turned out to be a good thing because Boston sports teams seem to be desperately trying to murder my soul now that the Celtics are officially sponsored by Millards Old Folks Home for Old Folks and New Potatoes, the Red Sox are doing their best to make as many dumb financial moves as possible, and the Patriots play really well right up until they need to play well. My raging bitterness aside though, let’s take a moment to focus on something that doesn’t make my soul hurt like a fudgecicle in the noon day sun: movie trailers. Super bowl movie trailers, to be precise.
Trailers you saw in the super bowl:
The Hunger Games:
Wow I need to read these books. Of course me saying that is like a particularly ill kept howler monkey saying “wow I need to become the Queen of Russia” or a three eyed lizard saying “wow I need a monocle” or me saying “wow I need more sleep.” It’s a nice thought but probably won’t happen.
Anyway, Hunger Games (the movie) is (ironically) not about a bunch of people sitting around and eating… as far as I know. No, Hunger Games is about a bunch of people who apparently try to kill each other and a woman who wears way WAY to much makeup. A literal genocide of lipstick. Anyway lipstick death aside I really want to watch this movie if nothing else just so I’ll know whether it’s worth replacing the 4 minutes of sleep I actually get, with 4 minutes of reading a book.
Did the people who made this movie actually read the book? Or did they just glance whimsically at the pictures while on a Mountain Dew and cheese string trip? I’m leaning towards option two. That said I’m sure the movie will be funny and that people will fork over their hard earned cash to watch something vaguely connected to Dr. Suess, that features the sultry gossamer tones of Taylor Swift pretending she’s an actress.
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in 3D
In an effort to make a movie with an already way too long title even longer George Lucas has decided to stick “IN 3D!” on the end of this movie title. How would you like to spend 15 dollars to watch a mediocre movie that you have ALREADY SEEN with 3D effects that will occasionally make you go “wow that effect was cool.” You would? Great! Well here then, I have this empty pack of skittles and for the low low price of ten dollars I will let you have it! And (occasionally) it will smell like there are still skittles in it! I know!! Best thing ever!!
The sad thing is this movie will do really well and prompt one of Hollywoods most blatant attempt at picking our pockets since the release of Mulan 2 to continue happening. Well done America. Well done.
I remember when I watched the first advertisement for John Carter. I was in second grade at the time, nursing a bottle of Juicy Juice and betting little Jeremy Bumpkins that he couldn’t hiccup the ABC’s. I am (of course) kidding. It was the Star Spangled Banner.
Seriously though, the first trailer for John Carter debuted like… a year ago. And I have gotten progressively less and less excited about it. Originally it looked like a cool idea and was based on a classic sci-fi novel so I thought “hey why ever not.” Nowadays (months later) I generally think “oh, a good time for a bathroom break” or “hey, I’m gonna go get a drink” or “good goodness, a perfect time to savage my eye sockets with this Tonka Truck.”
I still don’t know whether or not this movie will be good, but I have officially been forced to watch so many trailers that I no longer care.
I think it’s so cute how the makers of this movie keep trying to convince us that it won’t be horrible. Isn’t based on a ridiculous premise. And doesn’t feature Liam Neeson in what might be his worst role since he played Zues in Clash of the (Whiny) Titans.
A movie that so far still looks to be epically awesome will continue to have my “cautious enthusiasm” attached to it. Super-hero ensemble movies just don’t work and if anything this trailer (while awesome looking) only made me more cautious. I don’t know whether it was Sam Jackson muttering “I still believe in heroes” or the whole “I have an Army” “We have a Hulk” dialogue… thing. But there are a few portions of this film that look… questionable. Sure the explosions look cool and the Hulk apparently can jump through a plane/jet/space ship… thing. But I’m not sold just yet on this movie actually being as cool as it could be… I guess we’ll find out this summer…
And there you go. All the movie trailers that I think aired during the Super Bowl (not actually having watched it).