New on Redbox

Posted: January 24, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , , ,

First off, an apology to the couple hundred of you who checked in with Thoughts We Might Have Had yesterday only to find that there was not a new post. I’m sorry. I had a band of highly trained Peruvian Lama’s doing the Macarena whilst re-enacting the Battle of Hastings in my brain and the headache was uncomfortable, uncalculable, and… inedible. Or something. Anyway… I’m sorry.

Second off, for the roughly 6 billion of you other people who didn’t check Thoughts We Might Have Had yesterday only to find that there wasn’t a new post, to you I do not apologize. To you I bid a hasty “good day” and wish that all your various children are given loud noisy drum sets and Pixie Sticks.

9 out of 8 drug dealers say they got their start selling pixie sticks to their fellow pre-schoolers.

Anyway, I’ve been getting these e-mails lately from Red-box telling me “What’s New in Redbox” and usually I just delete them cause they’re stupid and spam and unless a spam mail at least pretends to be sent from one form of dispossessed royal or another I don’t bother with it. After all, wouldn’t you open an e-mail that said “the dispossessed Queen of Uzbekyourstania liked Liam Neeson in Darkman. Do you?”

So in a totally not “I’m too lazy to come up with something original due to the entire African tribe currently drumming in my brain” sort of way; I thought I would go through the list and give you some higlights (and lowlights) of Redbox today.

Paranormal Activity 3:

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?: Nope.

Random Thoughts: Once a movie franchise (especially a horror franchise) reaches movie number 3 I (generally) step away from the putrid corpse of what was once an original idea. Horror movies are not my thing because (generally) the writing is bad, the acting is subpar, and the film makers tend to lean more on gratuitous violence then actually making a movie. I’ll give you that Paranormal Activity (the original) wasn’t horrible but at this point I would like to officially say that I do not care… (generally)

 

Real Steel

Have I seen it?: Yes.

Random Thoughts: Real Steel is a surprisingly heartfelt movie seeing that it’s primarily built around giant metal robots punching each other… also a bull. Hugh Jackmen does a great job making you care about both his character and the character of his tiny child typed person. If you haven’t seen this movie: see it. Men get to watch robots gleefully beat each othe, and women get to watch Hugh Jackmen be Hugh Jackmen. It’s a win.

 

Final Destination 5:

"So any ideas for a poster for this new movie?" "Not really. I thought maybe we would just take a skull and put a 5 through it and then go watch a good movie with an original premise."

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?: Nope.

Random Thoughts: See my treatise on “horror movies getting sequels and becoming terrible” but add the word “bad” at the beginning and an “er” at the end. Thus creating: “bad horror movies getting sequels and becoming terrible-er.” The question isn’t will I watch “Final Destination 5: Why Aren’t We There Yet?” The Question is who keeps making these movies? And why, whoever you are, do you hate us all so much?

Restless:

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?: Yup.

Restless is a movie starring Mia Wablochooskie (Editors note: Wasikowska) and some other guy who I’ve never heard of, but it seems to be well written and based on a good premise. It stands to be one of those movies that flew under the radar because nothing in it gets blown up and everyone keeps their clothes on. The script looked good, the acting seemed solid, and the premise is workable. Yes it could still be terrible, but Mia Wakledownoutskie (Editors note:… nevermind) I believe.

Flypaper:

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?:… Maybe…

An all around terribly reviewed movie that features the “talents” of Patrick Dempsy and Ashley Judd. Judd is okay but Dempsy has been trading on the fact that he’s attractive and acts on a TV show entirely built around the fact that he’s attractive and hoping that means people will actually think he can act. (Insider Tip: He can’t.) Do you remember him in Transformers 3? If you do I’m sorry. I try to forget. Anyway everyone says this movie is terrible but it looks like the good kind of terrible. The kind of terrible you can sit around and laugh at on a lazy Saturday afternoon when you’ve watched all the good movies. So… who knows.

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds.

So who decided our movie that already has a 2 in it should also contain the word "two"? Maybe he should stop working here.

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?: No

Random Thoughts: In “In The Name of the King 1: His Name is King” Jason Stathom played a Farmer named “Farmer” (and no I’m not making that up). Anyway someone kidnapped his wife or… something… and he and Ron Pearlman had to go free her and… stuff. I didn’t finish the movie. The script was terrible and the redeeming factor of Jason Stathom being ridiculously cool was countered by the fact that no one else in the movie could act even a little bit. This time around they’ve taken the same basic idea except removed the ridiculous coolness of Jason Stathom and replaced it with a dead radish… see why I’m not watching this?

Glee The Concert

Have I seen it?: Nope.

Will I?: Bahaha.

Random Thoughts: Believe it or not I actually watched the entire first season of Glee and thought it was a mildly interesting show. The writing was good and the characters were interesting and the songs were generally okay. But if season 1 of Glee was a mildly tasty if somewhat repetitive snack of cheese and crackers; Season 2 of Glee were the same crackers after they had been left out over night in a field full of angry, diseased, tone deaf flamingoes. The characters were suddenly two dimensional and whiny and the script writing (while still funny at times) lacked any sense of realism. The real problem was that we sort of defaulted back on all of the problems I thought we had solved the season before. Rachel still wanted to date Finn, Kurt still felt misunderstood, and the various women had to decide whether they wanted to be cheerleaders or sing. After a brief run into new territory the writers quickly scrambled back to the same old same old. Don’t ask me what that has to do with Glee the Concert except to say that I won’t be watching Glee the Concert.

50/50

Have I seen it?: Noe.

Will I see it?: Yes!

An interesting looking movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan as best friends dealing with a new life when Gordon-Levitt catches cancer. It looks appropriately funny and heartfelt and Gordon-Levitt is rapidly ascending the ranks of actors that I like so… I’m gonna watch it. I’m not generally a fan of Seth Rogan but the movie is actually based off of his real experiences with the movies screenwriter so it seems like he’s coming from a really good place with it.

Other Random Things that I feel like posting about!

I have a 6th addition to my 5 People You Meet at the Salad Bar post: The Spacer.

This is the girl who stands in front of you staring into the depth of the lettuce as if she was hoping to find the meaning of life, or the solution to world hunger, or… a boyfriend. Or something. Anyway eventually you have to do that awkward sort of cough thing just to bring her back to this side of the cosmos and then things settle down.

Thoughts on Civilization 5:

Cassie and I continue with our long standing games of Civilization. Currently we’ve been on one game for roughly a month (only playing once or twice a week at most). I’m theRoman Empireand Cassie has taken control ofChina. Ironically my empire is pretty much right on top ofChinawhile Cassie owns all ofAfrica. Recently Cassie andEnglandhave been exchanging nasty letters back and forth about their skin tone and over all outlook on the world. Meanwhile I invaded a country just because they looked at me funny. For a while after my latest conquest, I was distracted by a desire to colonize Australia but now that that’s done I’ve begun licking my lips and staring at France like a Grizzly Bear looking at one of those abandoned children in Walmart. Not just cause France is in the way, and has stuff that I want, but because they keep sending messengers to me talking about “peace” and “open borders” and “bonjour” and things. Also cause they have no technology and their primary means of defense is the liberal throwing of dill pickles. I’ll keep you posted.

Well friends there you have it. Another day, another post. See you Thursday!

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