The 5 People You Meet at the Salad Bar

Posted: January 16, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

I am a fan of salad bars in general. Largely because a salad bar is essentially a get out of jail free card for whatever else I’m eating.

“Micah are those four corn dogs on your plate?”

“Yes they are. But look, salad bar!!!”

“Wow you are such a mature eater. One day I hope through high education and a grueling mental workout routine, I hope to be as cool as you.”

“Thanks, Jillian Michaels.”

The above conversation happens on a regular basis. Anyway what with my being a regular connoisseur of said bars I’ve decided to write a brief guide on the types of people you meet there. Here they are in really no particular order. Enjoy!!

The salad bar. A place for humanity to mingle, and think about killing eachother with plastic tongs.

1. The pickers and the choosers

A classic of salad bars everywhere are the pickers, and the choosers. Two separate categories that go hand in hand (usually metaphorically). A chooser is that person who stands directly in front of you for ten minutes trying to decide whether they want spinach or lettuce. And when they do finally decide lettuce (cause there seems to literally be no reason for spinach’s continued exists) they stand there for twenty more minutes trying to decide whether to take the juicy water filled tail end of the lettuce or the limp tasteless top parts that were originally intended for deer to use as attractive antler ornaments.

Then you have the picker. The picker (unlike the chooser) knows exactly what he or she wants. And is going to get it. Regardless of the fact that starving African children are dropping like flies behind them in line they WILL get EVERY SINGLE PIECE of miniature carrot out of their broccoli! This is the sort of person who used to get eaten by saber toothed tigers.

Caveman 1: “Hey Caveman Ted, come on! Those Saber toothed tigers are coming this way.”

Caveman 2: “Hang on Caveman Patrice I have to pick out these pieces of fat from my wooly mammoth!”

Saber Toothed Tiger: “You time wasty type person you!” CHOMP!

I miss natural selection.

2. The Tidy Slob

The Tidy Slob is that person who gets in front of you in line and has all the aim of a nearsighted tarantula tangled up in old pieces of cheese. This isn’t the problem though. No the problem is that the Tidy Slob feels obligated to stop and pick up every scrap of cauliflower that he drops! Every. Scrap. Occasionally getting down on all fours and carefully inspecting the carpet with a magnifying glass just to make sure he didn’t leave any traces of flower DNA in the carpet threads.

 3. Typhoid Mary

There are two varieties of Typhoid Mary. The first (and perhaps worst) being that person who brazenly ignores the tongs and picks up everything with her fingers. As if to say “I realize I’m spreading the plague to all the underprivileged people behind me in line, but how am I supposed to know if this lettuce is fresh unless I have personally touched every single inch of it with my sticky, nasty, butter covered fingers!”

The second variety is that person who takes the salad dressing on a worldwide tour of the other salad dressings before dressing their salad with it. This person believes that their ranch dressing needs to personally evangelize all the other dressings and, thus, casts their seeds of ranchyness liberally over all the other little bowls.

The plague starts here!

4. The cell phone guy

Ah, the cell phone guy. A guy who is so busy that he can’t get off the phone to get his salad. This wouldn’t normally bother me, but this isn’t the sort of person who just tucks the phone in their shoulder and moves as quick as they can through the line. No, no no. This is the type of person who stops salading to tell a brief joke, or say “Oh no she didn’t.” Or “he said what?” And invariably being “A cell phone guy” leads to being one of the other three categories.

And finally, my personal favorite

5. The little girl who talks to the salad.

And no I am no making this up. A cute little five year old girl with (I kid you not) blond pig tails stood in front of me in line and had an intimate conversation with each individual member of her salad.

“Where would you like to go?” She asked her lettuce. “How many of you want to come” she asked the corn. I don’t know whether she had recently escaped from an asylum or if her parents had her hopped up on Children’s Tylenol but she is now officially my favorite child ever.

  1. Thanks for giving me a few laughs when I should be studying. =]

  2. Micah says:

    All part of the service 🙂 and my absolute pleasure!

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