Our last couple articles here on Thoughts We Might Have Had have practically overflowed with the milk of human kindness! We looked back at what a great year it was, and then looked ahead at what a great year there was to come! The sun shone, the clouds whited, and birds were angrily launched at pigs. But now, dear friends of mine, it is time to look back not at the milk of human kindness but rather at the vermin infested, badger killing sludge of really bad movies.
I ran into a somewhat awkward problem whilst creating this list because I realized that while I have watched some REALLY bad films this year I honestly have probably not seen the worst of the worst. As much as I wish I had enough money and time to go and watch movies that I strongly suspected would cause me to vomit my brain into my lap: I don’t. And so I have created two separate lists MY bottom 5 movies of the year, and then the absolute bottom 5 for all the movies released this year. Let’s start with my bottom… 5 and move on from there then shall we?
Micah’s Official Worst 5 Movies of 2011.
5. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Transformers takes the dubious honor of number 5 on the list thanks to overly screamy Shia Labeuf and a first 30 minutes so incredibly dull and pointless that it practically belonged in a different movie. I could tape a live whale to Miley Cyrus and it would be more entertaining than the first thirty minutes of TF 3… in fact that would actually be really entertaining… hmmmm…
Limitless is a movie that for some reason some people really really liked but honestly I did not even finish. Here’s the thing: the main character gets these pills that accelerate his brain and make him into this uber super genius typed person right? Now, if I was endowed with super intelligence by a drug you know what the very very first thing I would do would be?? Find a way to make more of said drug so that I wouldn’t run out. You know what the main character in Limitless does? Runs out of drugs!!! How do you miss that? Aside from that the rest of the movies cast was pretty shoddy and the script was pretty bad but that single gaping plot hole of doom drained any chance the movie had of being interesting… or finished.
A movie that starred Nicolas Cage and the corpse of Nicole Kidman (I have rarely seen a performance where so little actual acting was done). Trespass was one of those “people breaking into a family’s home and holding them for ransom” movies. The only problem was the people who broke into the house in this movie had no idea what they were doing! Literally I have never seen such an inept, stupid, unfocused, uncommunicative, bunch of idiots in a movie since ever. Yes the acting was bad, and even the good guys seemed to have eaten heart healthy portions of Stupid-O’s with their orange juice in the morning but taking the prize for the most completely inept ever, were the villains.
Zookeeper failed on many levels. Kevin James really (it turns out) is not that funny on his own, the rest of the cast was creepy and weird and dumb, and the script was almost laughably NOT funny. But nowhere did Zookeeper fail more than in the people they hired for voiceovers. All the voice work from this movie sounded like it was done by lifelong smokers who were either sucking helium or having their chests jumped on by orangutans. I have never wanted to harm an animal more, then when I watched Zookeeper. (And yes my little brother liked this movie. And yes, I love him anyway.)
And finally, the worst of the worst. The most putrid of the putrid. A movie SO bad that it outdoes badness.
1. Red Riding Hood
Amanda Seyfried starring in a movie about a wolf and two guys that can’t act. Not that Miss Seyfried can either, mind you. The climax of the badness though is undoubtedly the part of the movie where Seyfried tries to “seduce” her boyfriend by “dancing” “sultrily.” If I were to strap a dead grass hopper to a butterfly, and then put that butterfly inside the wreckage of the titanic I would be more likely to feel attraction towards that grasshopper then to Amanda Seyfried’s dance routine. A movie so bad it literally made me think less of Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman!! It was that bad.
Well I feel liberated! Here’s a quick list of movies that were horribly bad (according to both me and everyone else) that I did not force myself to sit through!
The Bottom 5 Dishonorable Mention Hall of Fame
The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn Part 1 – a staple and a stable of bad movie lists everywhere. A movie that features emotionless characters, emotionless actors, and plots that make so little sense that you’d have to be a teenage girl to understand them.
Just Go With It and Jack and Jill – hey remember when Adam Sandler was funny? I miss those days… I miss them a lot.
Abduction – A movie built around the idea that Taylor Lautner can act… tee-hee… wow… I can’t even type that with a straight face.
Creature – and ending our list with the official worst grossing movie of all time (with 1,000 or more theater openings) Creature! A “horror” movie about stupid people, a haunted cabin, and a weregator… alliwere… Gatorwere. There you go: a gaterwere.
And there you have it friends! The worst movies of last year! Now we can move on into this next year with hope in our hearts and a smile on our lips. Let us not just survive our past but learn from it! Amanda Seyfried, please stop.