Hi everyone, happy two weeks till Christmas and all that. So just so were all clear it’s like… 4 in the morning.

“Micah,” you’re no doubt thinking. “That’s awesome that you’re so dedicated to this site that your posting at 4 in the morning. I’m gonna send you a cookie, or maybe a check, or maybe a check inside a cookie… carried by a brown duck.”

Well, potential duck owners; please do that. Now. I’ll wait….

….

And now that your ducks are safely en route allow me to tell you that I am only awake and writing this because my body refuses to go to sleep… I have no idea why. No. Idea. So after laying in bed staring at the ceiling counting dragons leaping over burning cottages for the last four hours or so I’ve decided that I mine as well do something somewhat productive and con a bunch of innocent people into giving me their hard earned cookie-checks. That done I am now going to bed.

….

Oh fine fine I’ll write you a post too. Goodness the demands of the one percent!!

Okay so this week there were some epically awesome movie posters released (and some rather epically terrible ones) so let’s take a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly of the movie poster world shall we?

 Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows  Okay I am actually really excited to see the new Sherlock Holmes. That said; this is sort of a horrible poster. I like the idea of the whole “Moriarty’s shadow will eat your SOUL!” thing going on here but my question is if Moriarty’s shadow is being cast from this direction, who exactly is Jude Law aiming at?  Also there is something incredibly disturbing about the expression on Robert Downey’s face here… once again I’m really excited about this movie, but I’m dropping the pster down to a…
1 out of 5.

Haywire

A movie blatantly going out of its way to hide who is acting in it. Not who the supporting actors are, but who the main actress is. That’s cause she’s not an actress. She’s some sort of Martial arts person/fighter/thing. Just cause I’m mildly curious, when has that ever worked? The problem with this idea is that the fights in movies are choreographed. You don’t have to be an actual fighter to fight in a movie. Cause it’s choreographed. I’m sure it helps if the person doing the fighting knows what they’re doing… but the fight is choreographed. The fact that they surrounded her with an extremely talented supporting cast makes me only more suspicious that the people behind Haywire are fully aware that their main actress is not, in fact, an actress.A 2 out of 5.MirrorMirror

A poster that strives to be both weird looking ANDboring, ladies and gentlemen Mirror Mirror… or MirrorMirror… whichever. Anyway not only could the people behind this movie not come up with more then one word for their two word movie title, but they also couldn’t come up with anything interesting to do with the poster… like at all. I realize we’re still relatively early in the advertising campaign for MirrorMirror but it seems like someone could have put in an hour or two in photoshop and made this poster more interesting. Maybe put a picture of a mirror on it? Or a picture of an apple? Or a picture of an open box with a spot for a heart?Or maybe just a picture…. like of anything. Literally anything. No? Okay.

A 0 out of 5.

Okay so now that we’ve seen a few examples of what NOT to do with posters let’s jump in and take a look of a couple good ones shall we? Check. This. Out.
The Amazing Spiderman

    Oh. My. Goodness. Ladies and gentleman please excuse me while I briefly freak out. Haters will continue to hate on Andrew Garfield as Spiderman but that’s mostly just because he is both British, and much cooler then you or I will ever be. That and he’s SPIDERMAN! Cool poster, awesome shadowy designy… thing. Cool tagline and the official release date for the movie. Yes I am excited. No, I will not be dragged down by the ghosts of Spiderman 3… No. No. Go away Tobey Maguire… Go away. I’m free now.
I give it a 5 out of 5.

And finally: brace yourselves for…

The Dark Knight Rises

   And allow me to repeat. OH. MY. GOODNESS. Literally the only thing that could have excited me more (from an entertainment perspective) then a new Spiderman poster, is this and… I don’t know… maybe like a kajillion dollar check… or something.  Batman’s mask broken on the ground, Bane (the main villain for the movie(at this point)) is walking away into the dark… I have no idea what this movie will be about, but I have full faith that it will be awesome, and that I will miss the Joker. I have this whole elaborate 7 point theory on how Heath Ledger isn’t really dead and has just been in hiding for the last few years and that the Joker is going to pop back up just when we all least expect it but I will admit that it’s a long shot.
A 5 out of 5
And just so we can all end on a low note!

Journey 2 The Mysterious Island

 Okay so before we make fun of anything else about this poster (and believe me there is a virtual goldmine of make-funage here) I have one question. What, exactly, is the title of this movie? Is it: “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”? Or “Journey Too the MysteriousIsland?” And if it is “Journey 2:GilligansIsland” where is Journey 1? And id it’s Journey 2 (Too) what pretentious, twitter crazed, rabid seal runs your marketing department? Ya know what? This is a task that calls for one of the rarest thing ever done on this website!! Research…keyboard sounds…more keyboard sounds…

The sounds of me getting distracted by something else…

keyboard sounds followed by the chorus of “Hey Jude”

… and we’re back.

All right, so it turns out that this is in fact a sequel, so Movie tell the head of your marketing department that he is not a rabid seal… assuming there was confusion on this issue. Anyway “Journey 2: The Island of Misfit Toys” is the sequel to a movie that starred Brendan Fraser that roughly five people watched (all five of those people were direct relations of Mr. Fraser). And that movie was based on Jules Verne’s classic novel: Journey to the Center of the Earth.

“So,” you ask. “How is this movie at all related to the last one?”

“Great question!” I reply swarthily. “I have no idea  at all……” (awkward silence)…  “Grrr…. hang on…”

… Various researchy noises…

…. Brendan Fraser running from a dinosaur…

… Dwayne Johnson running from a giant lizard… thing…

… Hey Jude! Don’t make it back, take a sad song and make it better…

Okay so apparently it stars the same kid. And that’s about it. I have no idea man. Like if “Journey to the Center of the Earth” had made a ton of money I could see someone trying to shoehorn a sequel but making a sequel to a movie that no one liked that is only extremely tenuously connected to the plot of the original movie… that just seems like such a bad idea. And it is one! Almost as bad an idea as this poster in which neither of the children in the background seem to have any feet.

A 1 out of 5

Well there you have it. Good, bad, and Ugly. Larry, Curly andMo.Your mom, my mom, and her mom. I’m going to bed.

Comments
  1. Micah says:

    My apologies for the weird formatting today. No idea what’s going on there.

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