An uncivilized night

Posted: December 5, 2011 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
Tags: , ,
This weekend I discovered something incredibly interesting about myself: I would be an awesome Emperor. Of course I already suspected this, but now I know for sure. Here’s what went down, my girlfriend (who I have now been dating for 8 tremendous months) really likes Civilization 2: Test of Time. The newest Civilization game (Civ. 5) is all fancy and schmancy with graphics and megabytes and free cookie dispensers and things, but my girlfriend doesn’t need attractive stuff to make her like something… wait… umm… anyway she wanted to play Test of Time which had the benefit of being cheaper, and being so old that my computer didn’t really know for sure what to do with it. Playing this game on my laptop is akin to trying to hook your iphone up to a vinyl disk of the Beatles. Neither one is really sure it wants to be there.

Civilization 2: Battle for the Pixels!!

Anyway my girlfriend took over the Persian empire and immediately set about building a thriving civilization full of happy people, persian rugs, and architecture to rival the works of Michael Angelo (think David but with pants). I took over the proud Celtic people and managed to accidentally sink several of my own  ships, go through two revolutions in about 4 turns, and declare war on a people group because their Queen was slightly abrasive.

Let’s take a second here for a blow by blow look of my “sacred” war with the Aztecs.

First contact: The Aztec queen and me first interacted when I (being the explory typed person that I am) dropped a couple of military units on her continent. She came up to me and basically said “Give me tribute or I’ll kill you” to which I said “Give your mom tribute or I’ll kill you… wait… I mean… no?” Anyway our negotiations didn’t go well so we came to an uneasy peace agreement wherein she would leave me alone if I left her alone.

My extremely mature response was to camp my units right in the middle of a small strip of land that essentially cut her off from her own coastline. Cue maniacal laughter.

I think it's a little racist that it's an English ship being reflected in the hourglass... just sayin'

Right about this time I thought “You know what. My people have been awfully nice lately, I should give them more freedom!” So I switched my government from a Despotism “Do what I say or I’ll eat your puppies” to a Republic “Let’s get together and vote on who should be eating whose puppies.” And for a very very little bit (roughly five minutes) all was well with the world.Until Queen Whats-her-spleen came marching into my glorified presence once more and again demanded stuff from my awesome stash of awesomeness! Being in a semi-grouchy mood from lack of edible puppyage I promptly declared war on her!! Until that is my Senate (took a break from eating my puppies) to inform me that they had voted against my declaration.

“What??” Said I (ruler of the earth). “Independent thought?? I think you’re misunderstanding this whole Republic thing guys. Your job is to sit there and agree with me and then take all the blame. MY job is to do awesome stuff and kill people who slightly annoy me.”

But with all the gall in Gall my Senators dared to continue to tell me NOT to kill everyone!! Well, having had quite enough of that sort of thing I promptly marched back home and started ANOTHER revolution this time changing from a Republic (community puppy dining) to a Monarchy (meaning that not only could I resume my usual puppy filled diet BUT I was divinely ordained to do so).

My first act as King was to sentence all of my former senators to days filled with watching old re-runs of One Tree Hill and Telletubies, before marching off towards the Queen of the Aztecs to declare my righteous war.

Which I did!! And let the record show that I OWNED her sad little self. OWNED!! With a mighty army filled with gusto and the comforting knowledge that they were advancing with the full blessings of their slightly crazed ruler and incredibly unstable governmental system. It also helped that I was attacking with guns and catapults while the pretentious Queen of the Aztecs was running at my men with vaguely sharpened sticks and cleverly written odes.

And so my terrible war raged across the continent like a raging storm of jelly covered octopi. All the while Cassie was doing things like making sounds governmental decisions and fighting a war because other countries were invading her… and things. I, meanwhile, carried on my petty invasion of a people group because they had been slightly rude to me and because I didn’t much care for their choice in lamp shades.

We were (unfortunately) forced to stop before I could finish wreaking my semi-holy vengeance down on the Aztecs but whenever we resume the game I shall no doubt continue getting into unnecessary land wars, and changing my governmental system purely because people annoy me.

Kind of a shorter post today but fear not gentle audience members. For tomorrow (true to my word my friends) I will review the play I am going to tonight: A Christmas Carrol. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

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Comments
  1. Lydia says:

    People wonder why I’m dying laughing in my office.

  2. Cassie says:

    Thank you for not mentioning the “Great War of the Catapults Which Turned Into An Epic Fail.” 😉 And I can’t wait to play again — that game is strangely addicting. 😉

  3. Micah says:

    Thanks for the comments ladies 🙂 you guys are awesome and very encouraging!! And yes it is addicting 🙂

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