Taglines: The best and the worst

Posted: November 1, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,
So, a shout out to the people who got a lullaby from Peter Pan stuck in my head earlier tonight. There are decent odds that I’m gonna break down weeping mid-way through this post as I pine for a lost childhood filled with Cathy Rigby songs and sworfights in which someone with a four-inch swiss army knife blade somehow challenged a pirate who was swinging a sword roughly the same size as a particularly slim rhino (Editor’s Note: That song may or may not be from the Cathy Rigby version… I have a small dog that does more actual research for this site than Micah does.)

Cathy Rigby everyone, a woman who has somehow made a career of being mistaken for a boy.

But anyway, we’re not here to talk about my childhood innocence (currently hiding in the corner singing softly to itself and holding my old one-eared rabbit doll). We’re here to talk about Taglines. The good, the bad, and the really long.

 Number 10:

 The Top:

 Ghostbusters: Who you Gonna Call

Who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!!

Let me tell you what it was super hard to find good taglines! Really really hard. Like trying to find well-rounded characters in Twilight or a delicate glass sculpture at a nursery. I did however, in a great triumph of the human spirit manage to find 10 that I thought were pretty cool.

Who you gonna call is just so classically iconic of everything that is the Ghostbusters franchise! I’m not even really a huge fan of the movies but even I can’t deny that the song is legit!… And hey I now have a different song stuck in my head! Win.

The Bottom:

 She’s the Man: Way.. way… too many words for me to write them all out.

Somewhere underneath all that text there's an occasionally funny movie... I have no idea where.

I don’t even have words for all the things this Tagline did wrong. Why did you feel it necessary to write the entire backstory of each character Movie? Literally after reading the Tagline I don’t need to watch the movie. Which actually… would have been very nice.

Number 9:

The Top

X-men: Trust A Few. Fear the Rest

Okay so I’m officially not putting up a picture of all of these so you’re just going to have to trust me on some of them. This was a sweet tagline for the first (and maybe best) of the X-men movies. And yes I was partially influenced by the fact that this was the first poster with Hugh Jackmen as Wolverine on it. What? He’s awesome.

The Bottom

The Nail Gun Massacre: It’s Cheaper Than a Chainsaw.

Basically you just told your audience that not only are you attempting to rip off another movie, but that you didn’t have a budget big enough to buy a chainsaw. This is like inviting your friends over for dinner and telling them “yes I got the recipe for these Chicken patties from McDonald’s but I couldn’t find any chicken so I just substituted used dirt.”

Number 8:

The Top

Finding Nemo: There are 3.7 million fish in the sea. He’s looking for one.

Believe it or not, this is not the only movie on the list that primarily starred a fish.

A fairly good tagline that at least got me moderately interested in a movie that primarily featured fish, whales, and the Australian sewer system.

The Bottom:

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants: Laugh. Cry. Share the Pants.

I feel weird just typing that. Nevermind the fact that this poster prominently features a pair of pants, and relies on the little explored realm of “Jeans humor.”

Number 7:

The Top:

Alien vs. Predator: No Matter Who Wins. We lose.

I still don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean it’s a cool phrase and it very accurately depicts what goes down in the movie but… I don’t know… I feel like I’m giving out a prize to the little obnoxious kid who won the award for “most gum stuck to face.” Yes he won. But he is still an obnoxious little kid with a penchant for showing the violent dismemberment of human kind… yeah that analogy kind of fell apart on me all at once there.

The Bottom

Clash of the Titans: Titans. Will. Clash.

Oh… So that’s why they call it that…

Number 6:

The Top:

Aliens: In Space no one can hear you scream.

I don’t know what it is about that line but every time I read it the thing gets scarier. It get’s close to the “redundant truth” category but manages to avoid thanks to a picture of a really creepy egg and my ingrained desire not get eaten.

The Bottom:

Yogi Bear: Great Things Come in Bears.

Every time I look at this poster I feel dumber.

Really movie? Great things come in Bears? What specific great things are you referring to? Fish? Berries? The children of hikers lost in the woods?

 Number 5:

The Top:

TexasChainsaw Massacre in 3D: Buzz. Kill.

Yes it’s a horrible terrible movie. But any poster that can make its entire point with two words that mean at least 4 different things has got to be a winner.

Oh and for those of you keeping score at home I definitely have that Peter Pan song stuck in my head again… probably a creepy place to put that thought… directly after the chainsaw massacre thing… and let’s just move on.

The Bottom:

Frogs: Today the Pond… Tomorrow the world!

Cause obviously the next step after the pond is the world. Not to mention the fact that this movie is counting on the fact that frogs can be at all scary in anything more than a “oh that’s nasty” sort of way. Oh the failure.

Number 4:

The Top:

I am Legend: Welcome to Earth Population 1

A great movie with a very cool poster/campaign… thing. Of course I suppose technically the population could be 1.5. I mean the dog has to count for something right?

The Bottom:

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

All my respect to Bruce Willis: breaker of heads. But no matter how hard you try Bruce “die harder” will never ever make sense.

Number 3:

The Top: The Grey: Live or Die This Day

You seriously thought I wasn’t going to put this here? I felt kind of bad cause it’s a newer movie and I figured there must be something better than this but… there wasn’t. Liam Neeson everyone: bringing awesome to us all.

The bottom:

Above the Law:  He was a covert agent trained inVietnam. He has a master 6th degree Black Belt in Akido…and family in the Mafia. He’s an cop with an attitude.

Aside from the questionable grammatical structure this is a movie trying so hard to be cool that it hurts my teeth. And failing so hard at being cool that it hurts its teeth.

Number 2:

The Top:

The Prestige: Are you watching closely?

Christian Bale wants you to watch closely as Wolverine and Batman collide... um... yes please.

Such a great tagline that brought you into the whole illusion of the movie and all of the illusion in the movie and all the illusion that was the movie… okay so the last one didn’t really make sense but hey, it’s a cool tag line.

The Bottom:

Jaws 2: This time it’s personal.

Not just a giant killer shark, but a vengeful giant killer shark.

Nevermind the fact that “this time it’s personal” is ridiculously over used. The person taking this “personal” in this case, is a fish.

Number 1:

The Top:

I am Legend: The last man on earth… isn’t alone.

Will Smith and a dog. The makings of a great film!

A creepy, haunting tag line that once you watch the movie makes even more sense. A big big win for the only movie to earn itself two nominations on the list.

The Bottom:

GUN: One Gun Many Lives Lost

This particular gem sneaks its way up not just for having a hilariously stupid tagline but for going above and beyond the call of duty and disagreeing with its own poster. He’s holding two guns.

I know we said one gun before but... well I had this other gun and... yeah...

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen! A product of no less than twenty minutes of intensive research and long grueling hours sorting through google images. And what have we learned? Peter Pan songs are way way to catchy!
  1. Lydia says:

    Your observations on “Gun” tickled my funny bone…

  2. Micah says:

    Ha ha thanks Lydia! Definitely one of the more epic fails of our time!

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