Judging Covers Part 3

Posted: October 17, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity

All right so in the last week or so some great new trailers have hit that wonderful land of kitten themed pictures that we call the internet. As always I’m more than ready to watch these trailers, and thereby prematurely judge the movies they’re based on! So without further ado I present!

Judging Covers Part 3:

The Grey:

"Just so you know all of you will probably die and then I will punch a wolf. Cause I'm Liam Neeson. And I can."

All you need to know about this movie is that Liam Neeson gets in a fist fight with a wolf. Liam Neeson. Wolf. Punching. I will watch this movie.

Besides that there seems to be some sort of airplane crash in the frosty snows of Antartica and a group of people who aren’t nearly as cool as Liam Neeson is. But go back and read that first paragraph again… yeah. That’s what I thought. I also think it’s awesome that we have officially reached the point that we have run out of people in the world for Neeson to punch. After training Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars, eating the White Witch, training Batman in Batman Begins, and kicking the begets of many french people in Taken; I’m fairly convinced he has officially killed or proven he can kill every human on earth. After beating off wolves in this movie what else will be left for Neeson to assault? The only thing I can think of is casting Neeson as an astronaut and having him go one on one with the planet Jupiter.

Excitement rating: 5 of 5.

J. Edgar:

Two words for you: Oscar bait. J. Edgar has every appearance of being a horribly boring movie about an un-sympathetic main character that no one will like. That said, I’m sure Decaprio will be awesome. He ages as the film goes which seems to be another thing the Academy goes all slobbery over like a bear looking at a beached salmon filled with honey. I’m betting Clint Eastwood will also pick up a Best Director nod for the film and that’s before I’ve even seen the movie. Welcome to the Academy Awards everyone!

Excitement rating: 3 of 5

Breaking Dawn, Part 1: Scowl love, love Scowl:

Have I done this one already? I sort of feel like I already have. Of course at this point in my life I feel like any Twilight jokes I could make have been beaten to death by all the other moderately sane people in the world. This will be a horrible movie that will do amazingly well at the box office because the average American teenager has all the intelligence of an 8 liter pepsi bottle filled with water chestnuts.

Excitement rating:  Negative 5 out of 5

Man on a Ledge:

I feel the movies tagline "you can only push an innocent man so far" is a bit self conflicting. I mean he's on a ledge... it's obvious you can push him further. It's a place called off the ledge.

A movie with a really dumb name that on further investigation actually looks to be fairly interesting. Sam Worthington (Avatars main blue man) plays a convicted criminal that claims to have been wrongly accused. Judging by the trailer it looks like Worthington spends most of the movie (As you may have guessed) on a ledge, while his friends (and fellow robbers) try and prove his innocence. I’m definitely intrigued.

Also this movie has someone in it named Genesis Rodriguez. I have no idea who she is but her name is awesome.

Excitement rating 4 of 5.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy:

Gary Oldman plays a former member of the British secret service brought in to find a mole within the agency… that’s like the secret purveyor of information type mole. Not the digging in the dirt around your house type. Or the facial feature… thing. A great cast that includes Tom Hardy and the brilliant (and brilliantly named) Benedict Cumberbatch. For those of you wondering yes I have forgiven Gary Oldman for Red Riding Hood…. but only just.

Excitement Rating 5 of 5.

One for the Money:

Even the poster for this movie makes me not want to watch it.

Filmgoer A: “Hey look it’s a movie starring Katherine Heigl”

Filmgoer B: “Who?”

Filmgoer A: “You remember. she was in Grey’s Anatomy! She played an interesting character who wanted to be known for being something more than a pretty face but then left the show cause they didn’t pay her enough and since then hasn’t done anything but be in movies where she’s just a pretty face.”

Filmgoer B: “Oh.”

Filmgoer A: “Now she’s in a generic movie about a female bounty hunter that looks not only shallow and based on a stupid premise. But also almost exactly like something my 11 year old sister would write if we could get her to put down her barbies long enough. You want to come?”

Filmgoer B: “Actually I have an appointment to get my eyes gouged out with flaming pokers but… man that’s tempting. Thanks though. I’ll see you later… except not… cause of the pokers… and stuff.”

Excitement rating: 0 out of 5.

Young Adult:

And speaking of un-relatable characters that no one likes: how about a big hand for Charlize Theron everyone? Member when we all thought she was a legitimate actor when she put on about 4 million pounds and consistently took ugly pills and beat herself over the head with aLouisvilleslugger so she could play the main role of Monster and we all thought she was legit? Ba ha ha. Poor little us. Now she plays another generic, clueless, young adultish woman in a movie that seems to have all the individuality and heart of a moss covered stick… in a mossy wood… on a snowy evening… and yes that was a Robert Frost joke.

Excitement Meter 1 of 5.

This Means War:

And speaking of generic looking movies how about This Means War? A classicy looking spy against spy thriller set with the added twist of both characters dating the same woman. What? Oh that’s not a twist. You’ve seen this before? Oh. Well… how about Reese Witherspoon huh? She’s never done anything like this has she! Oh… oh… she has? A lot. In fact pretty much exclusively. Oh.

I feel really bad for Tom Hardy. After a run of Inception, Warrior, Dark Knight Rises (not released yet), and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (not released yet) he had to be in a horrible movie eventually. This, ladies and gentlemen, is it.

Excitement meter 1 of 5.

And finally the real reason were here today:

The Avengers:

The Avengers... It will either be awesome or horrible. The good news is this poster rocks!

Iron Man! Thor! CaptainAmerica. The Hulk!! Hawkeye!! Black Widow. Samuel L. Jackson… I mean Nick Fury! And probably some other people I don’t care about! Marvel has literally been planning the Avengers movie since Edward Norton proved that the Hulk could be a good movie. Since RobertDowneyJr. proved that Iron Man was awesome! And since Chris Hemsworth showed up on the set of Thor with flaxen hair and biceps the exact size and shape of the Andes Mountains… in space.

This movie both excites and terrifies me. On the one hand it’s got a great cast of great actors working with a great director in Joss Whedon! On the other hand… did you see Fantastic Four? Or “Fantastic Four Two: Why in the World are We Making Another Fantastic Four?” ensemble movies are so so very hard to do well because invariably things end up feeling disjointed and confused and in the end it always comes down to “trusting each other and working as a team for the greater good.” And then it ceases to be a good movie and becomes an episode ofSesame Street. So there you have it.


I have no logical reason for putting this poster here... it's just awesome.

Excitement meter: 5 of 5

Well folks there you go. A lot of trailers, and a lot of unnecessarily harsh judgement! Thanks for tuning in and I’ll see ya Thursday!

  1. Leslie Bowman says:

    The Grey: What about Liam Neeson punching…..Chuck Norris?? Or, even better, Liam Neeson?? I’d pay to see that.

    I chortle quietly to myself everytime I hear mention of anything Twilight….and keep asking myself “why is this in existence??”

    “And since Chris Hemsworth showed up on the set of Thor with flaxen hair and biceps the exact size and shape of the Andes Mountains… in space.” – hey, who doesn’t want that?? Sounds good to me! 😉

  2. […] my Judging Covers article the other day I mentioned Liam Neeson’s next movie “The Grey” well the […]

  3. Micah says:

    Any movie featuring the raw attraction of two Neeson’s would probably implode the world as we know it.

    Props on using the world chortle. We call that winning.

    I have nothing against the burly frame of Chris Hemsworth though if he becomes any bigger they mine as well just save some money on the CG budget and use his green painted bad-self as the Hulk.

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