So I took a lot of flack for my Star Wars columns a few weeks ago. “You were too harsh.” “Jar Jar wasn’t that bad” “They’re iconic films” “I have fourteen stuffed Ewok dolls around my bed and kiss them each lovingly, at night before I go to bed.”
Well nay sayers (especially you ya Ewok Kreeper) here’s a column that will hopefully redeem me in the eyes of the people (though in the eyes of other people it will no doubt make you want to stab me in the throat) but hey, as famous head cut off typed person Maximillian Robespierre said as he was being executed “You can please some of the people some of the time but not al…hhhasssdfasdfsdfsdfd” *thump*
Star Wars or Star Trek: The story of the Stars
Some ground rules: I’m taking mostly into account only the very oldest star treks and the newest star treks. For those of you who don’t know the first episode of Star Trek aired during the Mesozoic era and prominently features Captain Dinosaur battling against the evil Cave Men with Sticks. Because I don’t care enough to do the research, I’m just taking the original Stark Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the new movie Star Trek: A New Movie.
For Star Wars I’m just sticking to the movies. As much as you may love the4 AMChristmas Special “Mama Droid Goes Shopping” I frankly don’t care. Yes I am grumpy. It’s early. It’s Monday. Go away… or keep reading… or something.
Star Trek: Star Trek prominently features Captain Kirk as played by that guy from the Priceline commercials before and (very unfortunately) after, he got fat. Vice Captain (totally not what it’s actually called) Spock an emotionless guy with pointy ears and a funny haircut. Captain Picard played amazingly by Patrick Stewart (cause he’s Patrick Stewart) and a bunch of other people including Levar Burton from Reading Rainbow, who (in a twist of extreme irony) plays a blind person.
I’ve honestly always thought that the characters in Star Trek were interesting and varied enough to be consistently fun to watch especially in The Next Generation series.
Star Trek gets 5 points.
Star Wars: Star Wars mostly is about Anakin Skywalker who is portrayed by Hayden Christenson and (post Vader mask) by James Earl Jones’s voice. Hayden Christenson is laughably terrible but just as you finish laughing James Earl Jones’s voice smacks you with a perfectly read sonnet and you fall into a crystal pool of swirly awesomess. Also featured is Natalie Portman’s mid-riff, Harrison Ford’s face, a Carpet that growls like a polar bear, a whiny jedi typed person, and a small green puppet that reverses all its lines. (I’ve always wondered whether George Lucas wrote the character like that or if the guy doing the voice acting just really struggled as a reader.)
Once again I think the real strength of this series is in its character variety. Han Solo, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and even Boba Fett were interesting characters that I enjoyed getting to know better.
Star Wars gets 5 points.
Star Trek: The most prominent ship in Star Trek is the Starship enterprise which comes in the exact shape as a pizza cutter. I am not the only one who thinks this….
Basic pizza cutter shape aside though, I guess the Enterprise is okay… as a direct result of it being one of the central plot points in the movies it does tend to break down a lot. Shields, photons, weapons system etc. all seems to breaking down all the time. In the new movie it gets its butt handed to it on a platter by a mining ship. Granted it’s a futuristic mining ship but I mean come on. A mining ship???
Star Trek gets 2 Gold Stars.
Star Wars: In Star Wars we have the Millenium Falcon which (in addition to being a much much better name then Enterprise) the Millenium Falcon has the whole “fastest ship in the galaxy” thing going for it. It also seems to be able to hold it’s own during most fights. Granted it runs into it’s own share of “Hyper Drive broken” problems in the second movie but even then it’s still a fairly kick butt ship.
Star Wars gets 5 Gold Stars.
Best Movie in the series:
Star Trek: At the risk of enraging all the chunky fans of Captain Chunky Travelocity I’m handing my “Best Star Trek Award” to the new Star Trek. Aside from the whole “better special fx” thing it had going for it. The script was much better then the old movies, the acting took a huge step up, and the over all feel of the movie was much much cooler then it ever had been before
Star Trek gets 5 Kudos.
Star Wars: As outlined in my previous post I’m a big fan of Empire Strikes back. The characters are fun to watch. Yoda makes an appearance, the story arc keeps you guessing, and Luke gets his hand cut off (applause).
Star Wars gets 4 high fives (I’m docking it a point because the New Star Trek was (in my opinion) better then most (if not all) of the new Star Wars movies. Sorry guys.)
Stark Trek: Star Trek generally opens with some guy with a voice like Dark Chocolate muttering into a microphone about “boldy going where no man has gone before.” As much as I would like to sarcastically make fun of this the straight truth is that the thing isEPIC. I quite literally got goose bumps when they did it at the end of the new movie “Star Trek: Please Ignore All the Old Movies.”
Star Trek gets: 10 points. (what you thought 5 was the highest? Well so did I. But this is my website by gum it and I’ll give however many points I want)
Star Wars: Star Wars always opens with this “Yellow Text flying through space” thing which has roughly the same amount of consistent interest as a damp mole rat carcass. I realize it was cool forty years ago before the invention of things like: letters. But at this point the only thing the opening credits of Star Wars is good for is making a cup of coffee before the movie or reading it in the voice of Alvin the Chipmunk.
Star Wars gets: 1 Jolly Rancher candy.
Star Trek: Ummm…. Phasers are really stupid looking. The old ones were essentially TV remotes, and the new ones still just look… weird. I’m all about continuity and whatnot but I can’t be alone in thinking that someone just needs to make a new one of these.
Star Trek gets 1 point. (I don’t even know why I’m giving it a point… mercy I guess…)
Star Wars: Lightsabers, blasters, and the Force. So… yeah. Star Wars wins this one. The blasters look cool and futuristic, the Force lets you pick things up and throw them at people, blast people with lightning, and pick up your ship when you crash it in a swamp like a moron. And the Lightsaber still remains one of Cinema’s greatest gifts to mankind.
Star Wars gets 50 thousand points.
Well there you have it folks. A totally not biased or built on ignorance post about the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. I’m thinking it’s about time for another retro-review post on Thursday so check on back in for that. Until then stay dry and…. in school… and things.
P.S. I didn’t give you the final score did I? Well… have fun with that.