Top Ten Super Heroes

Posted: October 7, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity

So I felt bad about there not being a post on Monday this week. But I had a chance to get in some quality time with the girlfriend that day and between my plays, performances, school work, and the fact that I’m a Blackhole Belt level ninja (yes my belt is actually a black hole that I keep at bay through sheer strength of awesome) she doesn’t see me as often as either of us would like. So I shirked the responsibilities laid on me by the pitch fork wielding denizens of the internet and wandered off to that wonderful land beyond the clouds: Ruby Tuesdays.

Now though, on this epically late Thursday night, my conscience is ridden with guilt, my over active imagination continues to run unshod through my brain, and my sandy brown hair is being wafted gently by the warm breezes of my heater. So I will set fingers to keyboard and write a post entitled.

Top Ten Super Heroes (in movies and video games).

I’m opening this up to video games perhaps a little pre-emptively since right now I have no idea whether or not any of them will actually make the list. People who think I plan these things out in advance have definitely never met me.

10. Neo from the Matrix:

Whether in the throws of love, punching someone in the face, or watching a live raccoon dance the Charleston; Keanu Reeves face will look exactly like this.

The ORIGINAL matrix. Not “The Matrix 2: We Like Money”. Or “The Matrix 3: People Seriously Are Buying Ticket’s to This?” but The Matrix. The good one where Hugo Weaving and Lawrence Fishburn battled it out for the Coolest Person Ever award. And Keanu Reeves briefly pulled his acting career out of the sewer before everybody remembered a year later that he had all the expressiveness of a gummy bear. Neo would rank higher on this list except for the fact that he A: falls in love with a weird weird woman who dresses like she recently escaped from a Woman’s Leatherwear Party (Like a Tupperware party but with more dead cattle) and B: no matter how much I try to ignore them, Matrix 2 and 3 continue to exist.

9. The Hulk

Another hero that comes with yet another STRONG surgeon generals warning. This is the Hulk from the Edward Norton Movie “The Incredible Hulk” not the Hulk from the Eric Bana “movie” “The Hulk.” Edward Norton’s was an interesting look at a conflicted character desperately trying to control his darker half. The movie left you semi-hoping Norton would succeed and semi-hoping he would fail so you could watch said darker side smash things and run through solid brick like I run through solid jello (which is exactly as awesome as it sounds).

The Eric Bana version is what would happen if you got your script by putting a jellyfish on a computer keyboard and beating it to death with a cricket bat.

Edward Norton: Redeeming Big Green Men from Eric Bana, one at a time.

8. Alex Mercer

Hey look a video game character. Wow I’m glad I put that in the title. Alex (from the game Prototype) is one of the classic sort of “man wakes up with super powers and amnesia” stories. To be honest his story is extremely generic, and the game was (At best) average. However allow me to describe to you a few brief moments from my time with Alex.

Run to the top of the Chrysler building (1,050 feet up). Jump off. Dive bomb to the ground, slam into it with the force of an angry mother dragon. Devastate the ground around me, uprooting trees, killing zombies, breaking sewage pipes, destroying tanks, and upsetting the family dinners of gophers for miles around me. Yes. It was awesome.

7. Captain America

Here’s the thing: I liked Captain America the movie. I thought it was well put together, and featured well-rounded characters that had a lasting impact on the film franchise as a whole. But the Captain America costume is still weird. And dorky. And his main weapon is still a shield. So he’s number 7. And I feel he should count himself lucky to be so.

6. Ghost Rider

Yes it was sort of a horrible movie. Yeah it’s a literal wasteland of Theological wrongness. Yes it stars Nicolas Cage and Eva Mendes. BUT let me remind you that the main character in this movie is a skeleton LIT ON FIRE. Riding a motorcycle LIT ON FIRE. Wielding a massive chain LIT ON FIRE. The terrible movieness is negated entirely by the presence of a skull that is lit…. ON FIRE!!

Good movie? Not really. Skull lit on fire awesomeness? Absolutely.

5. Professor X

Okay some people will no doubt be upset that I put the “most powerful mutant in the history of mutanty mutating stuff” at number 5 but as interesting it is to watch Professor X makes someone think a dirty stick is a Maserati it’s just not that cool. Honestly if not for the awesome job by James MaCavoy in the new X-men: First class movie the good professor probably wouldn’t have gotten this far.

4. Spider-man

And again a lot of people would debate me on this but I think everyone ever can agree that as cool as Spiderman doing what a spider can is, Spiderman 3 was a horrible horrible movie. Talk to me after the Spider-man re-boot next summer and maybe we can move the old web head up on the chart but for now he’ll have to settle for number 4.

3. Green Lantern

Green Lantern: He totally has an eye.

Ba ha ha! No I’m just kidding. He’s not on this list.

3 (for real). Thor

I’m not gonna lie I was dubious when Thor first came out. The hammer just seemed so… weird. I’d never heard of Chris Hemsworth before and as excited as I was about Kenneth Branaugh directing it I’d never really seen him do anything but Shakespeare before. Oh how much I had to learn. Hemsworth was awesome. The Hammer was sweet. And Branaugh made Thor into an incredibly interesting Cinematic experience with a perfectly realized Norse mythological kingdom somehow seeming natural and cool.

2. Batman

Oh!! You thought he was gonna be number 1 didn’t you? Well tisk and tisk upon you my friend for thinking you could understand the random radioactive ant hill that is my thought process! As utterly awesome as Batman is (and he is utterly awesome) he doesn’t quite make the cut for number 1.

Batman’s awesome costume, sweet gadgets, and kung fu skills that make Jet Li look inefficient and slow can’t change the fact that he doesn’t technically have any super powers. And yes I am currently hiding under my bed. The wrath of Batman is not something to be incurred lightly.

Please... don't hurt me.

And the most awesome super hero award goes to….

1. Wolverine

Sure Wolverine isn’t as flashy and stylish as some. But let me remind you that we are looking at a guy with an unbreakable skeleton, the ability to heal from just about any wound, and claws. That right there is a recipe for awesome! Never mind the fact that his name is Wolverine and he’s played by Hugh Jackmen. There are few things more impressive in any super hero movies that a shouty Wolverine getting shot repeatedly, roaring like some sort of Werebear (that’s werewolf bear) and then killing someone with big metal claws. Feel free to disagree with me but let me repeat: “Screaming Hugh Jackmen, who heals, and has claws made of an unbreakable substance.

I'm just gonna say it: Best. Thing. Ever.

So there you go. Top ten Super Heroes from movies (and a video game). Honorable mention should be given to the Silver Surfer (who is awesome but was ruined in the movie that bears his name) and Deadpool who will hopefully get more than just the cameo he got in X:men Wolverine.

It also broke my heart to leave Ironman off of this but while Tony Stark might be the best super-hero alter ego; he is (in then end) a rich guy who built a suit of armor.

Well I hope your happy, Internet. I’m going to bed.

  1. Lydia says:

    Random side note sparked by Keanu Reeves’ unimpassioned face–did you know that he’s in Branaugh’s “Much Ado About Nothing”? A slightly bizarre casting choice, I thought…

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