Ten Jobs Not to Have

Posted: September 22, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity

So you want to be in the movies huh? Well my friend, you got to be careful as you head out into that vast and star studded sea. Cause for every Pirate, Jedi, and Super-mutant you have a maintenance worker, a nameless Cowboy who’s getting gored by a longhorn, and an alien who gets sucked out of an air lock. So here are ten Movie Jobs, you don’t want to have:

 10. Nazi-

This position is fairly obvious but none the less horrible and terrible and someone will invariably punch you, kick you, and decorate your face with a live grenade. Nazi’s never do well in movies… or in real life for that matter. Though I suppose if you were a Nazi in real life you’re probably either dead or really old in which case… I don’t know… stop reading this blog … ya creeper.

Best Case Scenario: The movie has Kenneth Branaugh in it. Sure you’ll still die horribly but hey, he’s Kenneth Branaugh.

Worst Case Scenario: You’re a Nazi.

  Unattractive, Low level, analyst

Here’s your job description: Discover something awesome; tell the attractive, low level, analyst about it; die horribly. Yay.

Best Case Scenario: It’s revealed at the end of the movie that you were the real villain all along. Unlikely, but possible.

Worst case scenario: You’re shattered body rests forever next to your shattered hopes and dreams.

8. Orc.

“Hey mom look it’s me… no no I play the fourth one on the left. Yeah that one with the white hand of Sauron on my face. No not that one THAT one… Nope you missed it, hang on let me rewind.”

Such is the life of the actor who played Orc 48 C.

Best case scenario: You get killed in some fantastically hilarious way involving a frying pan or a broomstick or some sort of deep tissue harmonica attack.

Worst case scenario: Some elf shoots an arrow from two hundred miles away and you die right after the camera cuts away from your army.

7. Sheriff of a small town

This one’s a little iffy I’ll admit it but things never seem to go well for these people. Especially if their town is inhabited by adorable but precocious little children, scientists, or promiscuous teenagers who have to investigate every nearby “falling star.”

Best case scenario: You whistle a lot. Name your child something that makes no sense at all (Opey? Really? What’s that short for Opium?) Then you go on to become a DA named Matlock that my grandma watches.

Worst Case Scenario: Some teenagers run off to Make Out Point and become inhabited by evil Crickets or something. Then they eat your face. Not pretty is it?

6. Ummm… someone named… Kendrin.

It’s a weird name.

Best case scenario: You have a cool middle name. Like Wolverine.

Worst Case Scenario: People actually call you Kendrin. You live to a ripe old age and nothing murders you. The last word spoken to you as you drift peacefully into death at the age of 407 is “Kendrin”.

And we’re moving on…

5. Security Guard,

Security guards are always the first to go. In fact in most movies the security guards don’t even get screen time while they’re alive. The main character just sort of walks through the museum saying “what could have done this?” As he picks through the vaguely human colored primordial gue that was once you and all your hopes and dreams.

Best Case Scenario: As long a shot as it is you MIGHT get a job at a museum where all the stuff comes to life and things, but the odds of survival there have got to be fairly low as well. Sure, Ben Stiller survived two movies but I’m fairly sure the only reason he did is cause not even a lion would want to eat Ben Stiller. The same can not be said, for most of us.

Worst Case Scenario: You end up like the Security guards in Hellboy. Two seconds of screen time followed by you being eaten, and your slimy body being thrown from the ceiling. Look ma… no hands.

4. Office Worker for a large faceless corporation

Most horror movies (especially those of the Zombie or Plague variety) start with one person working for a big corporation either doing something really stupid or being paid to kill their coworkers in exchange for something they don’t get. Generally this results in the entire building becoming possessed by the spirit of Angry Peruvian Jell-O Makers, or turned into zombies, vampires, or slightly larger zombies and vampires for reasons that will never ever be explained.

Best Case Scenario: You become one of the slightly larger zombies. Sure your still undead and living a hellish existence trapped in body that goes against every law of nature but hey, at least you’re bigger then that guy over there.

Worst Case Scenario: You become one of the regular zombie’s, who steps unwittingly into a laser grid, or gets lit on fire, or turned into a kitten or something (Editor’s Note: Pretty sure no Zombie has ever been turned into a kitten in any form of film making. I think Micah’s off his meds…).

3. Space Explorer Working for a large futuristic Corporation.

See here’s the thing that makes the futuristic ones worse than the regular ones. The regular Corporations generally stick to making you undead, or infecting you with a horrible virus for which there is no cure. Whereas futuristic Corporations do things like make you into a robot, trap you in a spaceship with an alien, or drop you on an “uninhabited” planet where you’ll be eaten by Aliens the size of skyscrapers. Plus they could still turn you into a zombie.

Best Case scenario: You somehow survive whatever terrible horrors the corporation leaves you with and retire to a safe planet populated by robotic hot chicks… until the inevitable sequel.

Worst Case Scenario: Someone chokes you to death with a rolled up newspaper. And no, I am not making that up. Believe me… I wish I was.

2. Soldier for a futuristic Empire:  

Futuristic Empires don’t just lose soldiers in battle. They have their soldiers eaten by aliens, cut in half by lightsabers, destroyed by explosions and choked to death by their own commanding officers. After exhaustive calculations I’ve worked out about a 2.25 percent survival rate for these types of soldiers. That’s like the odds of Paris Hilton being intelligent or the odds of Keanu Reeves exhibiting emotion. Which is to say: Not good.

Best Case Scenario: You somehow survive the wars, explosions, and wrath of your commanding officer only to learn that the dark side as no cookies… Unless you call the souls of your defeated enemies cookies. In which case there are lots… and you have issues.

Worst Case Scenario: You get shot, stabbed, bisected and strangled to death all on the same day. Don’t you just love modern medicine?

Even Worse, Worst Case Scenario: You get killed by an overgrown teddy Bear.

Death by Ewok: Quite possibly the most embarrassing thing ever.

1. And the absolute worst job in any movie is… Working in a remote facility in Antarctica.  

Not only are these places cold, wet, miserable, and incredibly lonely. But they also seem to be the breeding ground for every unnatural terror known to man. If it’s not a Ghost, the Thing, Aliens, Predators, or Vampires. Its wolves, Polar Bears, and Megatron.

Best Case Scenario: The plane from CaptainAmerica crashes on your face. Sure you’re dead. But for that one second you were warm weren’t you?

Worst Case scenario: You deal with the cold for years and years all the while working anxiously to uncover some secret burial ground of the ancient ancients only to find that said burial ground is inhabited by killer caterpillars who make a meal our of your pancreas then throw you out into the cold to be eaten by a wolf.

So there you have it folks! Ten jobs you definitely don’t want! Hope you enjoyed and have yourself a merry little weekend!

 

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