Well as another month comes to a close, I am tired. So this article will probably make even less sense than our normal ones. And that my friends, is saying a lot. Regardless of all that though, I figured that with the start of the month and the first few whispers of fall billowing in on the breeze, now was a good time to pull out some trailers and unfairly judge the movies that they represent. Yup, no research, no forethought just me being sarcastic and mean towards things that may or may not actually deserve it… so kind of like what we always do.
Apollo 18: According to this trailer “there’s a reason we’ve never gone back to the moon!” My answer is “of course there was. We decided to stop wasting money trying to get to what turned out to be a big chunk of rock floating around above us. I mean if it had been made of cheese or if there had been a man inside of it, cows jumping over it, or cats playing a fiddle, or whatever, I say sure why not but once we figured out the moon was at it’s most interesting ‘a bit dusty.’ It sort of lost my interest.” According to this movie though the reason we didn’t go back is cause something started hunting down our astronauts like Hollywood keeps hunting for ways to make more vaguely historic horror movies. Also, I can’t help but shake the feeling that these people watched the first five minutes of Transformers 3 (the scene with the moon landing) and decided to just make that into a whole movie except instead of Transformers they would find some horrible alien thingy. This seems like a really dumb idea for a movie that’s partially ripping off another movie that wasn’t that good in the first place.
Excitement rating: 1 out of 5.
I Don’t Know How She Does It: Hey look! It’s a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker playing a corporate woman trying to juggle having a family and a job, with hilarious consequences. Hey look! This movie sounds a lot like about a jillion other movies! Sarah Jessica Parker (in addition to having a name that takes forever to type) is desperately clinging to the idea that people like her and will come out to see a movie just cause she’s in it. Oh Sarah… if only you knew
Excitement rating: 0 out of 5. Yup. 0.
The Lion King 3D: (*staring in disbelief*) Really Disney? Really? Look it’s a great movie. But 3D? I barely see the point of seeing NEW movies in 3D. Movies that are made with 3D in mind! I don’t even think there was a third dimension when the Lion King came out. Like I’m pretty sure we were all just pencil sketches wandering around a brightly colored world full of whimsical awesome… or that may just have been me after I ate that box of Crayola’s. Regardless, the only way Disney could more blatantly try and steal my money would be openly pick pocketing me or making a totally unnecessary sequel to Mulan that didn’t have Eddie Murphy in it… oh wait…
Excitement rating: 0 out of 5.
Abduction: (The movie pitch for abduction)
Movie Guy A: “Okay guys. So we’ve got Taylor Lautner that guy from Twilight that every teenage girl inAmericahas a poster of.”
Movie Guy B: “Yeah.”
Movie Guy A: “And we’ll make a movie with him called Abduction!”
Movie Guy B: “Okay.”
Movie Guy A: “And… that’s all I got.”
Movie Guy B: “It sounds awesome!!”
Movie Guy A: Yay!! Let’s go eat Crayola’s.
This movie looks really dumb and seems to be going out of its way to be horrendously cliché. I scoff at it. *Scoff*
Excitement rating of 0 out of 5. Man… this looks to be a really slow month for good movies.
The Dream House: A genuinely horrifying looking movie starring Danielle Craig as someone who may or may not be in prison, be a murderer, have a dead family, have an alive family, be alive, or be James Bond. An interesting looking movie that might actually lure me into watching it by virtue of Mr. Craig and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what the movie is about.
An excitement rating of 3 out of 5.
The Thing: Hey look it’s a remake! Those are always great ideas right? I mean who doesn’t love a movie based off another movie that we already know the plot of! Oh. Wait. No. That’s a terrible idea. HasHollywood really just straight up run out of ideas? Plus The Thing? Really? We couldn’t come up with a better name?
Movie Guy A: Hey look… this movie’s got a thing in it. We should call it that.
Movie Guy B: I feel we should get out more.
It’s not that the whole “arctic environment with an unknown monster” idea has been done a million times (though it has been) it’s just that nothing about this movie makes me think that it will even try to think outside the box. Even a little bit.
An excitement rating of 0 out of 5.
Real Steel: Finally a movie I am actually interested in! My girlfriend (let it be known) is more then a little skeptical about what she sees as just a movie about giant robots beating each other to a pulp (is that possible? Can robots become pulp? Maybe scrap is a better word for that one. I could go back and change it I suppose but… its way back there… I’d have to either hit back space about twenty times or reach all the way across the keyboard to the mouse and… man. Just thinking about that makes me want to take a nap.) Anyway I hope Real Steel will be more about the people and characters behind the robots rather then the actual robots who will serve only as very very cool distractions from what’s going on with the main character (Hugh Jackman). Of course Cassie very well might end up being right… I suppose only time will tell.
Excitement meter 4 out of 5.
Footloose: Hey! Look a remake. This trailer made me laugh hysterically for all the wrong reasons. First off the whole thing happens in a town where they have decided (due to some horrible accident) that dancing is illegal. Yup. Dancing. Four year old girl standing in the yard singing ring around the rosy? Capitol offender. Jail for life. The gavel will echo with the sound of your doom!!! Secondly the guy playing the main character (a rebellious out of town kid who believes true liberty is found in the gentle swaying of a swing dance) seems to have all the acting prowess of a damp steak. I realize the original Footloose was a great, ground breaking movie but apparentlyHollywood has decided that the ground isn’t quite broken enough and has decided to hammer away at it with a poorly acted sledgehammer. Saints preserve us.
Excitement meter 1 out of 5. (The one is simply cause this movie could reach the point where it’s so bad it is legitimately hilarious)
So wow not really a lot of movies I’m looking forward to in the next month and a half or so. Oh well. Looks like more retro-reviews for me.