For those of you wondering no I have not started being warm and friendly and cuddly: Yes, I gave two movies in a row a five out of five. But that’s cause one of them was probably the best written comedy/drama I’ve ever seen and the other had Batman in it. So pipe down! Cause it is now my pleasure to pull out the shiny, silver howitzer of my sarcastic heart and aim it firmly at a terrible movie. Today’s victim?
Micah Retro Reviews: I am Number Four.
Ba ha ha ha. Oh… wow… that was funny. Plot. Yeah, this movie doesn’t have one of those.
What the movie is about though is an alien refugee. You see a long time ago (don’t ask how long cause I have no idea) our main characters planet was destroyed. Destroyed by the Maggadors. The Maggadors (in addition to sounding like a 60’s soul band) are big “people” with fish gills, no hair, and weird senses of humor who are still chasing the seven surviving aliens and their guardians.
At the beginning of the movie it’s explained that our main character (John) is number 4. Meaning that the Maggadors have to kill numbers 1-3 before they can kill him. Don’t ask me how that works… I have no idea. Anyway, about four minutes into the movie number 3 gets killed meaning that John is next on the docket for the Temptations… I mean Maggadors. Sorry, this 60’s thing is stuck in my head now.
John and his personal bodyguard, Henri, head to the small town of Somewhere-I-Don’t-Care-About, and wouldn’t you know on John’s first day of school he’s introduced to the beautiful (and not at all ironically named) Sarah Heart. Aww… Anyway, John and Sarah (in addition to being heinously named) are instantly be-smitten one with another and before you know it John is over at Sarah’s house looking through her photographs (oh yeah. I forgot to mention Sarah’s a stalker… I mean photographer) and the sparks immediately start flying between them. Not, like, bad sparks though. Good sparks. Love sparks… or something. Like infinitesimal sparks of hope cast into a dark world filled with hate, and maybe if the winds of chance blow they may land on a pile of dry human leaves and be fanned into raw flames of love!! Wow… I need more sleep.
Speaking of sparks John’s super-powers… I mean “Legacy” starts manifesting and he becomes psychic and electric and a flashlight. No seriously. He does that. A flashlight. And so, the Beatles keep chasing John. John and Sarah have bad dialogue. And it all leads to a big last climactic battle with the Temptations and a really hot girl who can teleport and has an Australian accent shows up.
Ummm… Okay here’s what you need to do. Put in the movie and skip to the last thirty minutes or so. The last thirty minutes are actually pretty cool. Said hot teleporty girl shows up and starts killing “Nick Cave and the Maggies”. John decides to use his powers for useful things. And a dog turns into a mutant-hybrid-dragon-awesome… thing. It’s very cool.
The entire rest of the movie.
John is played by the extremely unfortunately named Alex Pettyfer who wants to act very very badly, but has no idea how to. This sounds like it might be a good thing but I want to go to Atlantis really badly too and here I am being extremely not underwater so… yeah. He can’t act.
Secondly it’s never really explained why Elvis Presley is chasing John in the first place. I mean say I was an alien (which I am not) and I was at war with another planet (which I am not… *cough*). If I had destroyed them so utterly that only seven of them were left alive. I would call that a win. A big win, in fact. Such a big win that I would not waste my time wandering all over space looking for them. No, I’d be spending my new cash on a tricked out spaceship and having long walks with my girlfriend along the calm seas of Neptune. Not moseying around earth looking for bad actors with overly complicated social circles.
And finally we get to the script. Oh the script! I’m convinced this movie was written by people who couldn’t make the cut for writing the Twilight movies. It’s a shame really cause buried deep deep DEEP under the layers of terribleness that this movie script is there’s actually a decent idea. At some point I’d actually like to read the book this movie is based on and see if it’s any good but this movie is not. At all. The climactic climax of all this are the lines between John and Sarah. At one point the two stand on Sarah’s front porch and talk all about how they shouldn’t date, and how much they should stop liking each other, and how Alex Pettyfer should really come up with a better stage name. After all this they decide to go their separate ways at which point John stands very very very still for an extremely uncomfortably long amount of time and then with almost Shakespearean beauty and grace up-chucks the line…
“All I can think about is you.”
At which point Sarah turns her, somewhat slow looking, crystal blue eyes upward and stares deeply into the rich green meadows that are the eyes of her alien boyfriend she just met two days ago, and with a heart full of youthful passion and a brain full of empty snickers wrappers she says:
“All I can think about is you… too.”
And the music starts and they kiss!! Or at least I assume they kiss. At this point I was laughing so hysterically I almost fell out of my movie theater seat and I’m pretty sure Riley threw up. It was hilarious. And terrible. The lines that is… not Riley throwing up. That was gross.
Somewhere under the bad acting, bad dialogue, weird cutting, and strange casting there is a good story. Way under. A fairly cool climactic final scene and a chick with a hot accent aren’t enough to save I am Number Four from being a nightmarishly bad movie.
I give it a 1 out of 5