A Day in the Life: World of Warcraft

Posted: August 22, 2011 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
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My gripes World of Warcraft are well documented. In fact they’re well documented right here! However after a hoard (World of Warcraft pun right there. Yeah, what now?) of e-mails from people assuring me that: “the game is a ton better now” and “they’ve fixed a lot of the issues in the latest updates” and “if you invest just 50 dollars in our product you can get up to 10,000 dollars in return” I decided action had to be taken!

Three things contributed to this action:

1. The aforementioned small tidal wave of people who besmirched my good name.

2. They just announced that World of Warcraft is now free-to-play until you get to level 20 (as much as I love this site I was not about to run off and pay Blizzard (the makers of WoW) to let me find out if I still hate their game)

3. I was cleaning my room and found the old World of Warcraft CD that I bought in undergrad.

All this basically meant that all I had to do to please the masses was install the game on my computer and dedicate a couple hours to wandering around Azeroth (the country wherein World of Warcraft occurs). I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do it even with all these things in mind but my girlfriend had to work all day Saturday and I woke up early cause my body clock hates me so it was either play World of Warcraft for a few hours or… I don’t know… do something productive… ew.

So I installed the game on my computer. This took about a half-hour, longer then I hoped but it gave me time to take a shower and eat breakfast so hey, why not! Then the game had to download some updates, this took about an hour. Longer then I had hoped but hey, I got to watch a Doctor Who episode so why not. Then (just as I got all ready to play) the game had to download MORE updates. This took about an hour and a half! But hey it gave me time to write a novel, solve a Rubik’s cube, and come up with a solution for the economic crises so hey, WHY NOT!

Anyway after eating another meal, that I made from scratch… out of ingredients I gathered from the field of the sun I was finally ready to play World of Warcraft. Now, we could do what we normally do at this point, which is allow me to narrate the game for you using my sarcastic whit and biting humor, but just to mix things up a little bit what say we take this from the perspective of the character I was playing as? After all this is a role-playing game right? So let’s do some ROLEPLAY!!

(I’ll be speaking from inside these brackety things throughout just to give you an idea of what’s going on. I made a Draenei, basically a big blue cow/octopus person with a tail. I was informed through narration that my ship had crash landed and that everyone needed my help to survive!!)

A Day in the Life: World of Warcraft

Our stories hero!

Dear Mom,

Arrived at… here… safely. And when I say “safely” I mean my ship crashed and I was unconscious for five days. Please don’t worry. I woke up and still have the wooden hammer that Uncle Billford gave me before I left home. The guy who was my Doctor immediately told me to go talk to someone without so much as an “I hope you’re feeling better” or “here’s a cookie and some orange juice.” The jerk.

Anyway, I went and talked to someone who told me that they’ve been having problems with some of the giant moths that were floating around and asked me to bring him five moth tentacles to prove that I knew what part of the moth the tentacle was or something (all you people who told me that: “they have less quests where you just have to kill things and gather stuff” please punch yourself… now).

So I killed some moths with my hammer, ripped some tentacles off, and brought them back to the dude. He sent me to some other women who was having issues with something she called “Creeper mutants” (originally I thought these would be men with large moustaches hanging around a day care but they turned out just to be crawly white things that looked like acne come to life) and asked me to kill ten of those. I went down and merrily started wailing away with the hammer and was totally minding my own business when a flower ATTACKED ME! Seriously. A flower. Anyway the dumb thing almost killed me so I ate some bread and felt a little bit better (bread is a great cure-all in WoW).

I killed a couple more mutants, went back and talked to the lady, and she told me that she now wanted me to go kill seven walking flowers of Death! (That’s not what they’re actually called) Fortunately, I also learned a new move that the guy teaching it to me called “judgment” but that I call “A golden hammer falls from the sky and crushes stuff AWESOMENESS.” My name is, granted, less convenient. Armed with this newfound power I confidently marched out and laid WASTE to the flowers. Hammers fell like rain, mom. Like. Rain.

I stomped back over the severed petals of my enemies and after a couple more random jobs around the crash site a guy told me he was sending me up into the mountains. “The mountains?” I thought. “Well I better go by some new gear!” So I spent the money I had made on various hammer/judgment missions on a new chain-mail shirt and a big old ax. Tell Uncle Billford that his hammer was a waste of space then stab him in the spleen. I hate that guy.

And so swinging my ax and humming the old Paul Bunyan song I marched off into the mountains to face my destiny. Destiny, as it turns out, was some wounded scout person who got attacked by “blood elves.” He asked me to go kill 10 of them and I obligingly marched off and started laying some serious smack to the down-th degree (that joke worked much better in my head). Blood elves, as it turns, out are not made of blood and are mostly just sort of attractive people with big ears and voices that sound like they just graduated from “Clichéd British Villain Accent” school. I swung my ax, hammers fell from on high, and blood elves were bloodied.

I went back to the scout to let him know I’d finished his job whereon he gave me his sword. His sword which was better then the ax. The ax I had bought two minutes ago! I spent literally about 3 silvers on this ax and it notched ten kills before becoming obsolete. I was not pleased mom. Anyway the spy asked me to go kill the blood elf leader so I stomped angrily away, wielding my new sword with a mix of gratitude and anger as I threw mystical golden hammers at anything that moved.

I killed the leader and scooped up something called “Blood Elf Super Secret Plans that Should Never Ever be Shown to the Draenei.” Given this new intelligence I walked triumphantly back to the crash site. I showed it to General Something-or-other and he rewarded me with a hardy slap on the back and a new shirt! Yup. A new shirt that was better then the one I had just BOUGHT! So twenty minutes after I went shopping BOTH of the things I emptied my bank account for were rendered worthless. Why didn’t you teach me these things mom? Why?

Anyway General Whatever has sent me out on another mission but I decided to chill out here in this house for… a while. Cause Micah got tired of the game and wandered off.

Love from the Crash Site

Somanar

In Conclusion: I will admit I had a good time with World of Warcraft. I will probably play through it some more on further Saturday mornings when I have nothing else to do. But that’s all I get from it. Sure I could pay 15 dollars a month and level my character up to level 80 so I can ride on the wings of dragons and mock the new, level two people as they struggle to kill flowers of death. My question is: why? World of Warcraft never ends! You never beat the game, or save the world, or get the girl. You just keep going. So, yes folks: I had fun playing World of Warcraft, and will probably play it again. But, no: I will not be giving Blizzard any of my money.

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