Just a quick re-cap here: Riley and I are playing through Resident Evil 5. The game has two main characters: Chris Redfield (played by Riley) is a huge, muscle bound, spiky haired man, and Sheva Alomar (me) is not huge, muscle bound, spike haired, or a man. There are zombies. We shoot them. If you need more info you can check out the first blog here.
We’re about mid-way through RE 5 these days and are currently pursuing Irving: a villain who wants to have aNew York accent so much it hurts my ears. I kid you not he utters the words “Yous guys are just in time for the fireworks.” Very rarely have I met a character in a video game that I wanted to shoot so much. Unfortunately for me and my itchy trigger finger he drives away in a boat before I can bust any caps in his head… or whatever those hip young people are saying these days.
So me and Riley jump in a boat and chase after him with the dogged determination of… dogs. Unfortunately (and don’t ask me to explain how this happens) there’s a door in our way and we have to collect three pieces of a magical rainbow… I mean… three pieces of a blue slate key and insert them into the door, before it will open. The keys are spread out across the massive swamp that we are currently in the middle of and so we trundle off on our merry boat singing sea shanties and drinking sea water (we didn’t plan the trip very well).
Riley (who’s driving) pulls into a small and pretty much deserted island where we disembark and hunt for treasure. We find a couple dead fish, a giant bug shaped jewel, and a huge gold cup that looks like it was designed by an artist who had only heard what people looked like in extremely vague descriptive terms. At this point something moves in the water next to me and because I’m the mature, responsible, brave, and thoughtful woman that I am, I scream, spin, and shoot the water about four times.
Much to my utter shock a dead fish floated to the surface. But even unto greater then this, the fish was somehow accompanied by TWO HUNDRED gold!! I mean, this was a miracle of biblical proportions we were looking at here! Not only had I just discovered something else that I could kill in this game but it gave us money!! As you may have guessed Riley and I immediately went on one of the great fish genocides of our time. I was literally sniping the things from a tower while Riley was just standing next to the pond pumping shot gun rounds into it. Anyway, after having made roughly the equivalent gross domestic product of Sweden, Riley and I decided that we should probably resume our hunt forIrving. And so, with our pockets full of gold and a pond filled with dead fish behind us, we headed back to the boat and resumed our search for the tablet pieces.
The first piece was hidden inside of this rundown old shack in the middle of a deserted island. It looked like the set from “Father Goose” which is a movie I’m fairly sure that no one has watched but I thought I would mention it because Carey Grant was in that movie and every website becomes better when the words “Carey Grant” are added. I mean I bet I just doubled the number of women checking this site out. Also: Mary Kay.
I ran into the hut, grabbed the piece and came running back out only to find Riley chasing chickens around with a shotgun.
Micah: “Riley what are you doing?”
Riley: “The chickens attacked me!”
Micah: “The chickens attacked you?”
Riley: “Yes. And now they won’t die!” (Riley continues running around blasting away with his shotgun,) “DIE! Chickens!”
Micah: (Standing at the boat) “Riley leave the poultry alone! Sister wants a boat ride!”
Riley: “(Riley yelling unintelligibly)”
Micah: “Oh fine!”
And I ran over to help. The two of us then spend a good five minutes trying to hack a chicken to death with our knives and, in Riley’s defense; I learned that the chickens really do attack you. Stupid birds.
Anyway, after yet more slaughtering of small animals Riley and I embark once more on our quest for the two remaining tablet pieces.
We made our way slowly through the swamp and came upon a village built on the water. Because it’s such a cheery happy place Riley and I decide to immediately disembark and look for fish to shoot. I mean tablet pieces. Oh, I should have mentioned that I have now officially upgraded all the weapons I use to their full strength. This means that I essentially have thousands of dollars to spend on just about whatever I want. Me and Riley have a brief conversation about this:
Micah: “Dude I have no idea what to do with all this money.”
Riley: “I wish I had that problem in real life.”
Micah: “So true…. I think I’m gonna buy a rocket launcher… which is, consequently, exactly what I would do if I had this problem in real life.”
Riley: “I respect that.”
So I bought a rocket launcher. I stood on the dock we had landed on for a second as I adjusted to the workings of my new launcher and (unbeknownst to me) Riley went on ahead to explore the village. Unfortunately for Riley the village was inhabited not only by zombies, but by zombies with spears. Zombies, with spears, who also apparently used to play professional baseball. One of them made what can only be described as a tactical weapons strike on Riley’s face, with a spear that he threw from roughly 9 miles away. I’m pretty sure he had to calculate the rate of the earth’s rotation just to make the shot!! Anyway since I was off bonding with my Rocket launcher, Riley promptly died and we were forced to re-load.
Our second visit to the village went much better. Riley managed to shoot Willie Mays and I blew up three people with my rocket launcher. We happily skipped through the pile of human debris that my launcher had created, grabbed the second of our three plates, and headed back to the boat.
The next plate was located in another village a little ways away from us. The problem with this village is that we had to park the boat a ways outside of it and move the rest of the way on foot through waste high, alligator infested, and putrid smelling waters. I was not enthused. It should be noted that when I say “alligator infested” I mean INFESTED. Walk through Times Square in New York, and then imagine that every person is a dinosaur sized reptile trying to eat you and you’ll get an idea of what I’m going through here. Given the odds stacked against us I did the only self respecting thing I could do: used Riley as bait.
Micah: “You go into the water and get the alligators to chase you. I’ll snipe’em.”
Riley: “Why can’t you go into the water?”
Micah: “I’m a woman.”
Micah: “I don’t want you staring at my wet clothes. It wouldn’t be decent. And of the two of us who has a sniper rifle?”
Micah: “That’s right. Now hop a long Cassidy.”
Riley, being the good sport that he is, jumped into the water and was chased around by alligators for roughly five minutes. While I stand happily on dry land and shoot them.
Micah: “Riley I can’t see you.”
Riley: “Yeah I went behind the wall. No worries.
Micah: “Okay but I can’t shoot the…”
Riley: “Oh just get over here would you?”
Micah: “Fine I’m coming.”
Reluctantly I put my sniper rifle away, pull out my machine gun and take a step into the murk depths of the swamp. Instantly a BEHEMOTH of an alligator emerges from the water and tries to eat my face!! Meanwhile Riley is now being chased by two alligators.
Riley: Micah help!
Micah: Riley help!
I jump back onto the shore while the behemoth-gator stares at me like I stare at ice cream sandwiches on hot August afternoons. In the meantime Riley gets eaten.
After a reload and some more gator sniping I venture forth into the swamp once more. Behemoth-gator emerges once more, re-defining the term creeper, and I respond with deft ninja like stealth by shooting him with the biggest gun I had about seven hundred times. I cannot confirm or deny reports that he was dead for the last six hundred ninety-five.
Things wrapped up fairly quickly after that. We got to the huts collected our last piece of the key, and then were immediately set upon by the entire population of the village (all of whom were zombies). Riley had to come to my rescue after another appearance by Willie Mays and I may or may not have screamed like a little girl on our return trip to the boat but after that we headed off after Irving once more!
Thanks for reading and check back for more “a day in the life” as Riley and I continue our campaign against small animals… I mean Zombies!