A Day in the Life: Resident Evil 5

Posted: August 11, 2011 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
Have you ever wondered what it’s like when me and Riley sit down, crack open some root beers and play video games? Yeah I don’t think anyone else has either. But if this site has stood for one thing in its oh so brief existence it’s that there is no lack of demand that I can’t supply. So here it is: a day in the life of me and Riley as we play Resident Evil 5.

Plot: Zombies. They’re unkind, mean, “people” who regularly j-walk, jeer uncouth things at passing women, and steal their neighbors’ cable. Oh, also they want to eat your brains and take over the world. In Resident Evil 5 you play as either Chris Redfield (a man with disproportionately huge shoulder muscles) or Sheva Alomar (a hot girl). It’s your job to stop the zombies (generally using variations of “bullet through head”), save the world, and look as attractive as possible while doing it.

Me and Riley have already beat Resident Evil 5. Throughout the game, though, you can upgrade your various weapons of Zombie destruction and if you start a new game you get to keep your upgrades and even get the chance to pile on some new ones. We also discovered that once you beat the game you can unlock the cheat code that gives unlimited weapon ammo! Thus freeing me and Riley up to shoot more zombies, with more powerful weapons, and a completely limitless supply of ammo. Or (in laymen terms) we got to be awesome!

  A Day in the Gaming life of Chris (Riley) and Sheva (me).

The day started off pretty well. We got toAfrica, got stared at suspiciously by some locals, and talked to an extremely creepy butcher who just happened to have a small military arsenal in the back of his butcher shop. Riley is a very close quarters sort of fighter, he has a shotgun (that’s leveled up to the point where it’s pretty much become a weapon of mass destruction) and a magnum pistol (not be confused with Magnum PI). Being all delicate and womanly and things I go for a big old sniper rifle (with which I can shoot a single pea from a single pea pod underneath the mattress of a restless princess) and a machine gun (that shoots bullets at roughly the same rate that politicians lie about economic reform (yes, it was a political joke)).

So armed, the two of us skip merrily away from the butcher shop with a song in our hearts and the full knowledge that the butcher is going to die in the next scene anyway (because we beat the game before). Once the butcher is dead the zombies go after the baker and the candle-stick maker before coming for us. Riley and I turn and mock the zombies slow moving slack jawed pace.

About a second later one of them comes from behind and murders me.

Me and Riley also turned up the difficulty after we beat the game and, apparently, now if a zombie so much as throws one of his large collection of lice in my vague direction I will instantly keel over and die. Armed with this knowledge me and Riley reloaded the game, watched the butcher die again and braced ourselves for the coming zombie invasion! Between Riley’s shotgun and my machine gun we fill the narrow alley with more lead then your average Led Zeppelin concert and then run like little girls (which I feel I can be excused for seeing as I am one).

I jumped a fence and whipped out my sniper rifle while Riley covered me with his shotgun. I will admit that Riley is generally better at video games then I am. He puts more time into them and is also just more naturally gifted (and yes, it is a gift). But give me a sniper rifle with unlimited ammo and a line of zombies and I will LAY WASTE! Which I did. At this point the following conversation occurred:

Riley: I’m gonna go see if they dropping any good treasure.

Micah: (still on a power trip) They had better! I’m the Mozart of death over here! Careful though, there might be more around the corner.

Riley: Okay. (Chris runs towards the corner).

Micah: Whatever you do don’t get killed.

Riley: Right. (walks around the corner… sees the small hoard of zombies waiting for him.) AH!

Micah: AH!

Riley: Help!

Micah: Coming! Do NOT die! (I whip out my machine gun, race forward, shoot two zombies and get to Riley. Just in time for him to DIE) What did I just say? I just said “Riley don’t get killed!” What did you just do?

Riley: I got killed.

Micah: Yes Riley… yes you did.

So: we re-loaded, watched the butcher die, filled the small back alley with a maelstrom of bullets, ran like little girls, and I conducted another 12th symphony of slaughter.  This time I convinced Riley to not suicidally run out looking for treasure like some rabid pirate and the two of us survived the ordeal just fine. We moved on from there and made our way through the run down little town without much bother. Occasionally a zombie would pop up from behind a table, or be lurking around a corner like some creepy homeless person, but instead of asking: “Hey friend, do you know the times?” they say something like “Argglbaffledorban!!!” and try and eat me.

The problem for the zombies at this point is that, after dying three times, me and Riley have so much adrenaline going that we’re screaming and shooting at anything that even looks vaguely like it might sort of be interested in my brain. This results in us shooting at birds, gas cans, animal carcasses, each other, and (occasionally) zombies. So before a zombie can so much as take two shuffling steps toward us, Riley and I have shot it four times, slashed at it with knives, insulted its parentage,  and held a Moroccan victory dance on its re-deaded corpse.

A few side-streets later Riley and I make our way to the town square. As soon as we arrive, the zombies spring a “trap,” close off all the exits and make their shambly zombie way towards us. The problem with the “trap” is that me and Riley have already beat the game and thus know about the trap well before it actually occurs. So we barricade ourselves inside a house and I merrily snipe anything trying to get in while Riley runs around with a shotgun shooting anything that tries to get to close to me. The height of chivalry right there folks. I mean there’s opening a door for a woman and then there’s protecting a woman from an invading zombie hoard. Which would you rather have?

Somewhere in here the game unleashes “the boss” of the level. The boss is roughly the size of a family mini van and is wielding an ax larger then some European countries. The problem is (and stick with me here) I’ve got a huge Sniper rifle. So while it’s all well and good to be swinging an ax around when the people you’re fighting are armed with two pistols and have four bullets between them (what we had when we beat the game the first time) it becomes a whole different ball game when the people you’re chasing are armed with big guns and an unlimited supply of bullets.

A basic synopsis of the boss fight: “the boss” appears about two hundred feet away from us. I am obliged to fill him full of sniper rounds. He manages to survive long enough to get to the house we’re in and promptly smashes through one of the walls. However while the boss is reveling in his victory over a flimsy tin abode, Riley runs at it and takes care of whatever health it had left with a well placed shotgun round. Cue Moroccan dance.

Now at this point the zombies have pretty much stopped coming. One or two stragglers wander into town like people arriving late to work on a Friday but the real challenge is over. The problem is that the game can’t seem to wrap its head around how fast we dispelled of the enemy. When we played through the game the first time we actually never killed the Mini-van sized behemoth and instead had to run around screaming about how close he was to us, the fact that his axe was already covered in blood as if to preemptively get it ready to kill us, and how unfair the ending of Gladiator was. After a couple minutes of this someone came in a helicopter and rescued us from certain doom.

Now though, said monster was already dead, the zombies were only coming in ones and twos, and Russell Crowe had made Robin Hood with the same director as Gladiator and it had been really bad so I had moved on from my lingering Gladiator related grief. This led to the pilot of the Helicopter yelling things at us in a really loud voice as if something  horribly urgent was happening, all the while me and Riley were tiptoeing through the African tulips and coming up with our own lyrics to classic Don McLean songs.

Helicopter pilot: Are you guys all right? Just hang on I’ll be right there!!!

Micah: We’re good dude. (zombie dies)  Take your time. Maybe swing by starbucks and get me a latte’ or something.

Helicopter pilot: Just hang on!! I’m coming!

Riley: Yes we know. Ah-ha! (Gun shots ring out as Riley chases a rat around the street with his shotgun)

Helicopter pilot: I see you! I’m coming in!

Micah: Bye bye Mr. Zombie head guy, drove my chevi to the levi but the levi was dry, and me and that guy were drinking whiskey and rye and singin’ I wish you’d stayed dead, when you’d died. I wish you’d stayed dead when you died!

And, mercifully, the level ended.

So there you have it, a cutting edge look into a world that no one wants to see! Assuming you made it this far thanks for reading Thoughts We Might Have Had, a website whose title (according to Riley) “makes no grammatical sense.”

Comments
  1. Wow….given the fact that I’ve played video games (and specifically zombie games) with you guys before, I laughed at this…..out loud….multiple times! =D

  2. Micah says:

    Thanks Suni! Miss you brother! And yes, Left 4 Dead was good times 🙂

  3. […] Just a quick re-cap here: Riley and I are playing through Resident Evil 5. The game has two main characters: Chris Redfield (huge, muscle bound, spiky haired man) and Sheva Alomar (not huge, muscle bound, spike haired, or a man). There are zombies. We shoot them. If you need more info you can check out the first blog here. […]

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