Monster vs. Aliens Play-by-play

Posted: August 1, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity

A note from the editor: Here I was thinking Micah was actually going to write the article he said he would write on Friday (something about Spiderman) and thinking I would just be able to give it a quick go through before putting it up this afternoon. So, I walked into my office with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart and I get this… Micah and Riley, watching Monsters vs. Aliens. I did what I could, but you’ll have to forgive some horrible grammar. I’ll try and keep you up to date as far as what’s going on in the actual movie. Hope you enjoy it… or at least manage to reach the end with most of your sanity intact.

Micah: Okay everyone so here Riley and I are, seated in the projector room all ready to watch Monsters vs. Aliens. Say hi, Riley

Riley: Hi Riley…. I feel bad for doing that

Micah: I hate you. Okay, so the reason we’re watching this movie is it’s the only thing we have on DVD and we’re using our computers to type. It’s not cause we like it…

************

(EN: The beginning of the movie)

Micah: The guy just said “holy cheese it’s.”

Riley: Oh my gosh how he is whining!

Micah: I remember why I don’t like this movie.

Riley: As do I. I hope the UFO lands on his head.

Micah: Fortunately we just got a gallon of chocolate milk so if nothing else by the end of this I’ll have bones like granite… chocolate granite. Which may be the best idea I’ve ever had!

************

(EN: The main character, Susan, is introduced.)

Micah: Hey look a hot girl… oh wait, nope never mind… she looked so much better when the light was off.

Riley: And the personification of a dweeb is on the tv.

Micah: And she’s talking to the tv… why? Oh I forgot Reese Witherspoon was in this. I hate it more. Yes, I have a negative attitude

************

(EN: Their thoughts on the opening sequence and when Susan is hit by the meteor… or meteorite)

Riley: Every single character that has come on screen has offended me on some level

Micah: Especially “mama Deedle” I hope that hat eats her brain… Riley pay attention

Riley: I’m sorry. Wow, she just yelled Fresno very loudly

Micah: Twice. I hope she gets hit by a meteor. Oh wait….

Riley: I hope your wish gets granted

Micah: Is that her wedding dress? It looks like someone TP’d her while she was asleep. Oh, hey remember that meteor I mentioned?… WAM.

Riley: Pwnd

Micah: I like this movie now… Oh wait, she survived?? Never mind, I hate it. What’s the difference between a meteor and a meteorite?

Riley: One’s actually a citizen

Micah: Umm…. what?

Riley: Of Meteor.

Micah: Got it… Bad joke, Riley.

************

(EN: Susan grows into a three story tall super woman. Also Derrick is her fiance’.)
Riley
: She’s big.

Micah: Ew. Her whole gown is all…. falling off. I may be scarred forever.

Riley: Good thing she got the one size fits all wedding TP dress

Micah: Why is her hair white?

Riley: I don’t know… but I like it.

Micah: Did she outgrow her follicles?

Riley: That is a distinct possibility, she is rather huge. I wonder if that’s a turn off for Derrick?

Micah: She’s like the reverse of a hobbit. Like a bobbit… or a toppit… or something. I’ll get back to you.

***********

(EN: Micah and Riley talk about a news guy with a mustache.)

Micah: If I ever go crazy and stop caring about anything ever, I’m gonna grow a stache like that guy

Riley: It was horrible. The news anchor?

Micah:  It’d be like having a small dog with me at all times
************

(EN: A tech worker gets into an underground facility. He has to scan his… hinder parts)
Micah
: Oh I hate this part… Ew. I just saw that man’s butt, why would you put that in a movie?

Riley: Yeah the butt scan isn’t even cool

Micah: Who walks in and says “Hey let’s have a butt scanner in this kids movie!”

Riley: The president’s chin is absolutely repulsive… he has like 4

***********
(EN: It’s revealed that Bob (the blue gelatinous monster) was once a tomato. I promise all of this is in the movie.)

Micah: And Bob is apparently a tomato.

Riley: Used to be.

Micah: Is that like a Veggie Tales reference?

Riley: Probably, they’re referencing every other bit of media from earth.

***********

(EN: No idea what happened here. Someone apparently said Fresno.)
Micah
:Fresno has played way too major a role in this movie.

Riley: And it offended me, if you can believe it.

Micah: Also I’m almost out of milk.

Riley: I’m getting there, but my stomach is pretty full of it.

Micah: The one redeeming point of this movie may soon be gone.

Riley: We have more in the fridge.

Micah: The fridge is WAY out there though… SO SO far away…

Riley: It is, but I’m rather happy here. Except for this movie.

Micah: So true.

***********
(EN: A lot of random things that I have no clue where to put happen in the next few lines. Sorry. I need a new job.)

Micah: Okay he just said “you can’t crush a cockroach.”… I do that all the time. Wow she just used the golden gate bridge to kill a robot, way to destroy priceless landmarks for no reason.

Riley: We’re going to have a funeral for the robot; he was the only character I liked

***********

Micah: “Cat’s mewow”… that was an actual line. I feel physically sick to my stomach and it’s not just cause of all this chocolate milk.

Riley: The mom is back.

Micah: As is her annoying, horrible voice. And the fact that Bob is infatuated with Derrick. Hey Fresno again. Just what I was hoping would happen. It’s like everything I hate about this movie just happened in a one minute chunk.

***********

Micah: And now she’s haphazardly destroying property. The number of laws being broken in this film is ridiculous.

Riley: If I were a cop I’d arrest all of them

Micah: If I were a cop I’d arrest the people who made this movie

***********
(EN: Derrick breaks up with Susan and she gets captured by Galaxor (the villain))

Micah: So Susan just decided she’s gonna be a selfish jerk now? The moral of the story would seem to be “Don’t date selfish jerks. BE ONE!!”

Riley: I don’t know, but she’s wearing a pretty snazzy suit now

Micah: I think she stole it from the makers of Tron

***********

Micah: Yup. Quantonium and Fresno have just been said too many times in this movie

Riley: Agreed. I’m going to destroy Fresno. Oh look it’s the mustache guy again

Micah: Yay! I like him.

***********
(EN: The giant bug monster got attacked and killed a little bit ago. Now it’s covered in a web looking thing… Sorry. I’m doing my best.)

Riley: Whoa… big bug is covered in a giant web! Shelob got to him.

Micah: Yup. He apparently secretes things posthumously

Riley: That… that’s awful.

Micah: When I die Riley I want you to bury me in a web.

Riley: I will my friend… I will. You will be entombed in a web when you die.

Micah: Score. You’re the best of friends!

***********
(EN: Back to Susan who has now been shrunk to normal size and sentenced to death.)

Micah: So as opposed to “taking her to the incinerator” why doesn’t he just shoot her in the face? One would think that would save time and offer less risk of rescue.

Riley: One would think so.

***********

Micah: Susan continues to make herself more and more worthless.

Riley: She does have white hair though.

Micah: He just cussed by saying “baseballs” I hope everyone who made movie catches the flu… now.

Riley: I think it was “spaceballs”… but I can’t decide which is more lame.

Micah: Susan. Susan is more lame.

***********
(EN: Susan faces off with Galaxor. Then gets a vat of quantonium dropped on her so she can be a giant again… I don’t believe I just typed that.)

Micah: He said quantonium again.

Riley: At least he didn’t say Fresno.

Micah: Hey! She got something else heavy dropped on her! My two favorite parts of the movie.

Riley: And her mom isn’t here to yell this time

Micah: Yay.

***********
(EN: Everyone gets rescued by the giant bug. Who, it turns out, was not dead but gong through metamorphosis and now has a giant set of wings. They all return safely home and are greeted by adoring fans and… yeah I’m done. This ends the movie.)

Micah: Oh the insect has wings….

Riley: Big Bug is now Big Creepy Bug…

Micah: It’s a woman bug apparently. It has…. curves… ew.

Riley: Gah

Micah: Hey look it’s her mom!

Riley: My hatred had almost subsided

Micah: Derrick just said “deedle” again. New least favorite word.

Riley: Glad we agree

Micah: Yup.  Also “Count me in too?” I could write a better line than that in… like now. Like, I just wrote a better line then that.

***********

(EN: Credits)

Micah: Well… let’s never watch that again.

Riley: I think I had sworn to never watch it again already. You made me break my swear!

Micah: You oath breaker!! Maybe you’ll become undead like those things in Return of the King?

Riley: I probably will. It would be better than sitting in this chair with this playing in front of me again.

Micah: True. Then again, so would getting my foot chewed off by a diseased mole rat.

Riley: And I will have chocolate milk as the undead king. Well I’m glad it’s over. It gets a -34 out of 10

Micah: I concur. Let’s go toFresno and throw butterflies at people.

Riley: Or we could play video games or something?

Micah: I’m down with that. Later everyone

Riley: Bye bye.

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