Posted: July 29, 2011 by Amanda in Randomnicity

The internet is one of the greatest technological marvels of our day. For the first time in history, anyone, anywhere can have an opinion (a loud, angry, uneducated opinion) which can then be broadcast all over the world in a matter of moments. But such freedom has created a new breed of human. A sub-species, if you will. This sounds incredibly discriminatory, except that this new sub-race has unwittingly given me the perfect excuse for such a degrading label: the excuse of anonymity. No one would admit to being sub-human, and in the same way, no one who gets on YouTube to vent ugliness like a volcano filled with last week’s unrefrigerated egg casserole would attach their true name to such an eruption. Here are some characteristics of these gene pool malfunctions. Hopefully this list (courtesy of one of my favorite YouTube videos) will serve you well as you traverse the festering wasteland of the ‘net, as well as provide diagnoses in the event that you are one of these evolutionary throwbacks. It’s not too late to rejoin the human race.

4.      Stereotyping

For Example:
“No youre are the ignorants,People who bathe their cats are ingorantes, That is not the nature of a cat. You people of america, are sick, You have yore mind full of *junk*”

Why it will make me unfollow you:
Grammar and spelling acne aside, this anonymous animal guru feels the need to make the jump from a personal opinion (one should not bathe a cat) to a vast stereotype (all Americans are sick, mindless animal abusers). While I may not be able to fault the logic on that last part (see what I did there?), this kind of sweeping generalization is about as appealing as watching Nic Cage stub his toe and, in a fit of toe pain, blow up the known world.

Find the real question. Instead of asking yourself: “how can I demonstrate the idiocy of my opponent’s argument?” find the answer to
the much more pressing question: “regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, would spraying down a cat be funny?” Yes, internet fumer. It would be hilarious.

3.      Long-winded, angry rants

For Example:
“Im getting mad! U GUYS RATHER HAVE THE CAT SUFFER OF FLEAS THAN GIVE IT A BATH>:(!??!!? Cats need baths too! Licking wont get rid of all the dirtyness! Trust me I had Billions of cats!”

Why it would make me unfollow you:
Simply put, ranting on the internet has almost the opposite affect that most people intend. In this example, while attempting to blast
her opponent’s logic by using personal experience and A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS, the poster reveals way more about herself than any of us wanted to know. Namely, that only after licking her billions of cats did she finally decide that bathing was the way to go. Maybe the fur balls she’s probably still coughing up are what are making her so angry?

Think before you post. Sure, a good ‘ole rant can be cathartic, but is it worth exposing the world to the bitter, lonely cat-licker you
really are?

2.      Dogmatic statements with no factual foundation

For Example:
“This method is known in America and amongst Al Qaeda as ‘waterboarding.’ A method used to interrogate for answers.”
Why it will make me unfollow you: This method of posting is known on YouTube and facebook as “being a presumptuous, self-important snob.” It is a method used to make yourself feel good about having information that will make every other ignoramus on the thread rush to wikipedia. (In your mind.)

This step in the rehabilitation process is difficult; because most posts of this kind are factually sound… sort of. The real trick here is to find the context of the facts you want to chuck out there for the barbarians to quizzically sniff, and then throw on the fire with
everything else they cannot comprehend. Do a bit of research. Once you’re sure that this cat doesn’t have important homeland
security-breaching information, type a well-composed, polite response, and then delete it. No one wants to hear it anyway.

1.      Poor grammar, punctuation, and spelling

For Example:
“u are abuseers”

Why it will make me unfollow you:
In a generation of texting, it’s not unusual to find this kind of post. What makes it so off-putting is the reeking laziness here.
Someone, somewhere felt that adding y, o, and a period was just too much work. If you aren’t going to put that much effort into your post, odds are you don’t have anything to say that I want to read. This kind of… sentence? is easily forgotten in the rush of questions
immediately following it. Questions like “who lets their 6-year-old chihuahua have internet access?” and “is an ‘abuseer’ like a psychic
substance abuser?”

Minor spelling and grammar errors are easy to make and just as easy to forgive, but spellcheck is everywhere these days. Take a moment to check your post, and I’ll take a moment to read it.
Egg hunt

Hunting for “Easter eggs,” or extras in movies, games, and other media is a long-standing and beloved internet tradition. For your
convenience, consider me your personal egg hunter.

This week’s egg:

The long-awaited Star Trek reboot was met with much rejoicing by fans and loyalists worldwide. The casting was great, Leonard Nimoy’s
appearance was thoroughly satisfying, and lens flare was overwhelming. But some of the greatest aspects of the movie were the visually
stunning special effects. Here’s one special effect most people didn’t notice right off the bat:
(Link to image)


Yep, that’s R2-D2 flying off the Romulan ship at 47:39. Pretty exciting sci-fi crossover, that.

Bonus egg:
For more Star Trek Amazingness, check out “How It Should Have Ended” and their version of the script here: http://bcove.me/wmss0fj2. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

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