Micah Reviews: Zookeeper
Oh Kevin James, whatever would we do without you? If only I could find out. It’s not that I don’t like you Kevin, it’s really not. I thought you were great in Hitch, and I really liked you in ummm… Hitch. Okay so that’s about it. And Hitch was pretty much Will Smith’s movie all the way… but hey you were good in it! Since then though… man… what have you been in? Umm… Well there was Grown Ups which literally lowered my IQ by about five points… Paul Blart: Mall Cop which was… okay. And… yeah that’s really all I can think of. Oh Kevin… poor poor Kevin.
Okay so Garret (Kevin James) is a zookeeper (shocker). He wants to marry a girl who is out of his league so he’s thinking of abandoning his job at the zoo (and the cute, compassionate veterinarian Kate) so he can become a car salesman and get the girl of his dreams (the shallow, supermodel Stephanie). But Garret is the very best in the “keeper of zoo” category so the zoo animals band together and decide to let Garret in on their secret (they can talk) in order to help him get the girl so he can stay at the zoo and… zzzz…. zzzz…. zzzz…
Sorry what? Oh right right Zookeeper. Yeah. Umm… the plot to Zookeeper is a lot like my Great Aunt Nannies’ gallstone stories (editor’s note: I’m not sure but there are good odds Micah does not have a great Aunt Nannie). You know exactly what’s going to happen, you don’t ever care, and for the most part you’re just trying to make yourself believe that if you hang around long enough some kind person will come and give you an excuse to leave. Literally within fifteen minutes I could have told you the entire plot and exactly how the movie was going to end. You can probably read that paragraph I wrote about it and tell me exactly how the movie is going to end. I realize that most movies with happy endings end roughly the same way but the whole point of a movie is to tell a story in an interesting and new way.
Good movies are like good roller coasters. You know you’re going to end up at a certain point (in most movies either boy gets girl, girl gets boy, or (in rare cases) girl gets pony). The adventure then is in how you get there and at least once in a while making you think that you will invariably come flying out of your seat and splatter against the ground like my peanut butter and jelly sandwich did yesterday (cue weeping). Zookeeper is one of those kiddy rides that set you on a completely straight path, lights up exactly where you’re going with a bright neon sign and proceeds to move you along at about two miles an hour, occasionally throwing in “sharp turns” to “mix things up”.
If you liked Paul Blart: Mall Cop you will like this movie. In fact it’s pretty much the same movie. Just take away the segway and replace it with an annoying monkey. Of course that criticism should probably go under…
The monkey was annoying. In fact all the animals were annoying. As was Kevin James. And everyone else. This movie annoyed me.
The voice work done for the animals was just…. wrong. Most of them have this sort of squeely gravelly sound that enters your ears and punches you in the brain. Especially the giraffe and the monkey which is only a problem cause the monkey never shuts up and the giraffe occasionally breaks into song. I will never look at giraffes the same again and if I see a monkey in the next few days… I will kick it.
One of the people I watched the movie with (yes I have friends) turned to me and said “Is it just me, or is Kevin James really just not that funny?” And she was right. Granted, James was working with mediocre material and zoo animals that made me want to punch a squirrel but the fact remains that James just doesn’t rise to the occasion on this one. But really, other then Hitch (which was, once again, Will Smith’s movie) has James ever shown that he can carry a film?
In Conclusion: This is definitely one of my shorter reviews but frankly that’s just cause there’s really not a lot to say here. Much like Mall Cop, Zookeeper has the occasional funny line and will (in rare cases) make you laugh. But honestly I can watch an old episode of Psych and get more comedy out of it, spend less time and money, and have less thoughts of animal abuse.
I give it 1 kicked monkeys out of 5.
In Conclusion to the Conclusion:
I am a critic. I’d say it’s my job but I’m a long ways removed from actually getting paid for this so… yeah. With the understanding that I am a critic I view things somewhat critically. It should be said that I enjoyed certain parts of Zookeeper, and if you enjoyed Zookeeper then more power to you! Frankly though, it’s my “job” to find things that I think could work better and point those things out in the hopes of inspiring some form of change. It’s why critics exist!
My girlfriend thought Zookeeper was pretty good and it made her laugh hysterically at multiple points. I think no less of my girlfriend because of this; I respect her opinions as her opinions! So, if you went and watched Zookeeper and thought it was great, then awesome! The reason people make different kinds of movies is because there are a ton of different kinds of people in the world. So be individual! Like what you like! Comment on here and we can talk about what you like and why you like it! Or hey, start your own blog and invite me to it! If the fact that you think I am utterly and entirely wrong inspires you to sit down and write a few paragraphs on why you think that then I consider myself a success!