Micah Reviews: Transformers: Dark of the Moon!
The Plot: …. I literally just went utterly still for like five minutes while I tried to figure out the best way to sum up the plot of this movie… umm… So basically the whole space race thing that happened in the 70’s was a result of some alien ship that crash landed on the moon and the US moon landing was really just an excuse to survey the alien tech.
Fast forward many years and we find familiar hero Sam Witwicky dating a girl who can only accurately be described as “British Megan Fox.” Brit Fox is (of course) painfully attractive and (also, of course) is madly in love with Sam despite the fact that he’s currently unemployed, kind of a whiny jerk, and used to be on that horrible Disney Channel show.
After spending good quality time looking for a job, having a job, baking a delicate egg and cheese omelet, visiting with his parents and a ton of other really boring things the actual Transformers come in and life (not to mention the movie) starts to get interesting. (Of the four things I listed Sam actually does only three, the sad thing is that it’s hard to pick out which one I made up)
Through a long long LONG series of events the Decepticons (evil robots who apparently don’t tell the truth much) transport hundreds of their grisly, deceptive brethren onto the planet for their annual barbecue. This year they’re serving up the Earth, with a side of six billion human slaves. The Decepticons launch an extremely dishonest
attack on Chicago because New York was already busy getting attacked by Godzilla, other aliens, King Kong, the thing from Cloverfield, and just about anything else that had a vague dislike toward humanity. The good robots (the much better named Autobots) must fight for freedom, liberty, and justice for all with the help of Sam, British Fox, and a bunch of other extremely ineffective humans.
This movie is MUCH better then Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Much. Much better. Unfortunately that’s really not saying a whole lot. Dark of the Moon’s fight scenes are appropriately cool and while Shia Labeauf is not exactly blockbuster material this is a part tailor made to play to his strengths so he does pretty well. Continuing to steal the show are Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson who play soldiers doing the absolute best they can despite the odds stacked against them (kind of like the odds stacked against actors doing well in this movie). The problem is that unlike the first movie these two characters take on a supporting role and are largely pushed from the spotlight to make room for Sam to have omelets.
The first 45 minutes of this movie was pretty much entirely unnecessary. There was no need for the Space Race segment, no need to watch Sam wander around to a million places looking for a job, and no need to watch British Fox slink around with Sam, delivering vaguely innuendo-ish lines with all the subtle grace of an angry mother bear
wielding a cannon. We get it. You’re not Meghan Fox and you can still slink?! Everybody clap.
One of the weirdest things about this movie is that Optimus Prime is just too much for the scriptwriters to handle these days. In the last two movies they’ve established that Optimus is the ultimate, ultimate of all ultimates and frankly it’s come back to haunt them. I imagine the writers of this movie sitting in a dark corner desperately trying to write a battle sequence without Optimus coming through, killing everyone, and saving multiple babies with his metal hands of doom. The writers send Optimus on wild goose chases all over this film and at one point even resort to just sticking him up on top of something and getting him stuck. It’s almost hilarious!
“Mom!! Optimus Prime keeps ruining our battle!”
“Well Optimus? Look, just cause you’re bigger and stronger and cooler and this movie is already WAY too long that doesn’t mean you can just come in and be all awesome. Well?… Fine. You just sit right up on top of this shelf and don’t come down until I say you can!”
“Thanks Mom! Now I have more slink time for British Fox!!”
“Slink on you crazy Diamond!”
In addition to the “first 45 minutes is unnecessary” thing, Dark Side of the Moon… I mean Dark of the Moon… sorry… Mulan songs are apparently happening. Dark of the Moon suffers from constant pacing issues. It gives some things way way too much time while completely eliminating other things that really should have gotten some attention. For instance: at one point in the movie a group of Autobots gets captured by the Decepticons. For some reason though, we’re not shown how this happens. The Decepticons really aren’t the prisoner taking type and the Autobots generally don’t just surrender but all the sudden we sort of stumble upon this group of Autobots and Decepticons with no explanation of how they got there. In the end it’s played for a fairly cheap “dramatic moment” which feels extremely contrived because of the random circumstances that led to it.
Moving from something that wasn’t given enough time to something that was given way way too much, Sam and his band of merry men…. I mean Sam and his Navy seals (plus British Fox); get stuck in a skyscraper which comes under fire. The building starts falling then stops, then starts again, then stops, then gets attacked by a huge snake-obot (editor’s note: Snake+robot= Snake-obot? I’m thinking of quitting), before finally falling all the way. This whole period takes at least twenty minutes and feels like an hour. It’s just SO unnecessarily long and drawn out and is definitely time that could have been better spent.
I liked Dark of the Moon. I didn’t love it though, and it tended to talk way too much and draw out our dates with needless babble I didn’t care about. It never seemed to be able to commit to anything and when it did come time to share important things it went right back to talking about useless fluff. So I had to break it off.
That extremely creepy analogy aside, Transformers: Dark of the Moon was a good movie and worth the watching. Be prepared for a LONG ride though and bring some boots cause the water gets muddy and occasionally hides deadly water snakes of utter time wasting and…. man… I need more sleep or something. No idea where these analogies are coming from. It’s like I’m making this article needlessly long by adding in random sentences that only sort of relate to the rest of the piece… kind of like Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
I give it 3 slinky Foxes out of 5.