Micah Reviews: Red Riding Hood.
Bad Movie. Hey look I’m done! I’m gonna go watch Dark Knight again…. Okay fine I’ll review it! No it’s okay; I’d love to re-live one of my worst movie experiences of the year. I’d love to spend more time thinking about a cast that was built around the hypothesis that Amanda Seyfried could carry a film. The movie that single handedly ruined my previously high opinion of Gary Oldman.
I would love to.
The town of Daggerdale… Daggerpass? Dagger… something has been terrorized for generations by a werewolf! For the time being the two have reached sort of a cold war type of truce wherein the villagers sacrifice the best of their animals to the wolf and the wolf doesn’t kill innocent townspeople. Until that is the wolf kills an innocent towns’ person! Shocker huh? The moral of this particular story being don’t make alliances with WOLVES!
Anyway somewhere in there were introduced to a girl named Carolyn… Catherine?? Something like that. She’s the girl played by Amanda Seyfried. (I promise I did watch this movie. Literally, like three days ago. I’m hazy on the details because within the first five minutes of the film the movie succeeded in making me not care at all about either of the main characters). So we’re introduced to a girl who I will henceforth call Coraline because Neil Gaiman books make me happy (unlike this movie). Coraline is in love with Peter (one of the many not at all subtle nods to classic children stories) but she’s promised to be married to Hubert (no I don’t remember the actual characters name).
Coraline and Peter (who is a woodsmen *wink*) have some horrible dialogue about how all they need is each other, before being mercifully interrupted by some girl who informs Coraline that the wolf has killed her sister. In response to the sister killing the men of the town do the perfectly logical thing and decide to go hunting for the massive supernatural wolf monster. In it’s cave. In the dark. Cause that plan isn’t flawed at all.
Oh, before that Coraline’s mother has a horribly written conversation with Peter about how he’s poor and stupid and only has one facial expression and that if “you love Coraline. You’ll leave her alone.” Just because the movie isn’t cliché’ enough yet.
I’m starting to bore myself just remembering this movie but through some circumstance I don’t want to talk about the townspeople think they’ve killed the wolf and have a party. Peter tells Coraline they can’t be together and immediately goes off dancing with a woman who is not only prettier then Coraline anyway, but also less crazy and more wolf repellent. In response to this Coraline tries to “seduce” him with what is easily some of the worst seductive dancing I have ever seen in my life. I could glue a fish to a stampeding antelope and would find its movements more compelling then Amanda Seyfried’s attempts to seduce her lover. Of course Peter, who as you may have deduced by now is an astronomical moron, is utterly entranced and the two are re-united for more horrible dialogue!!
Moving on from the party, the village priest calls in Father… someone to help eradicate the wolf problem (despite the fact the village thinks the wolf is dead). And thereby we reach my least favorite parts of the movie: the parts with Gary Oldman. I will never be able to look at Gary Oldman the same again. It was that bad. I’ve always sort of liked Oldman; he’s played some good roles with diverse characters and I was moderately impressed (Detective Gordon in Batman and Sirius Black in Harry Potter just to name a few). Anyway, Gary Oldman plays Father… ummm… Time (not his real name). A character that really could have been interesting had the writers not ruined it completely.
Father Time actually has a decent back story. He’s not just some church dude blandly chasing wolves because he had nothing better to do. The problem is that rather then revealing Time’s back story delicately and carefully over the course of our time with him
the writers had Father Time shout his entire life story at the villagers’ mere minutes after walking onto the screen. It’s one of the few things this movie had even a small chance of getting right and it succeeded in utterly ruining it.
So Father Time pokes around a little, sets a trap for the wolf (who it has been declared is “ONE OF YOU”) and stuff happens. Hubert continues to love Coraline with no hope. Peter continues to have his face stuck in an expression of mildly confused lust and
Amanda Seyfried tries really really hard to act.
Skipping to the ending of the movie let me say that one of the few things the film did right was keep you guessing as to the identity of the wolf. One of the things it did entirely wrong was how the wolf dies. It’s utterly predictable, phenomenally anti-climactic, and it raises an incredibly obvious “why didn’t the peasants just do that within the first ten minutes of the movie” question.
Umm… Coraline was a great Neil Gaiman book.
The biggest problem with this movie is that I can’t shake the feeling that it was written by teenage girls who watched a Twilight marathon and then read Little Red Riding Hood. Edward Cullen has his sparkly little fingerprints all over this thing. It even has a moody boyfriend whose hair is done up funny and whose facial expressions range from confused lust, to lust, to really lust, and finally to really really stupid.
Amanda Seyfriend proves beyond doubt that she wants to be an actress really really badly but has no idea how to act, dance, maintain any consistency, or even be sort of engaging. I was literally cheering for the wolf by the third minute of this film.
Also how in the… ya know, the list really does just go on and on. Trust me when I tell you that you should not watch this movie!
I give it a 0 out of 5.