Judging Covers

Posted: July 6, 2011 by Micah in Randomnicity

We’ve all heard the old phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover” right? Well I say why not? Some books have absolutely horrendous covers and should be judged for having them! Using that same iron clad logic I’d like to present to you some upcoming movies and judge them solely based on their trailers and the people who are in them! Yay for bias!

Captain America: The First Avenger.
Our final comic book movie of the summer Captain America is apparently the story of a tiny little man who becomes a very big man and then fights Nazi’s. Obviously I’m nut shelling here. The trailer includes a shot of him punching in the window of a submarine (which makes me laugh every time), and Hugo Weaving literally ripping his face off. If you had to choose one actor to have rip his face off who would you choose over Weaving?… Yeah me neither.

Anyway I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. Captain America is a fairly standard “truth, justice, and the American way” type hero who seems to have the Superman problem of no personality or internal conflict. I desperately hope that at some point this movie becomes about more than “See Nazi, bash in Nazi skull with pretty shield” but I’m honestly not overly hopeful. How excited am I about this movie?? A 2 out of 5.

The Muppet Movie
Remember back when the Muppets were actually funny? The Great Muppet Caper, Muppet Christmas Carol, and Muppet Treasure Island are all utter classics and should be watched by everyone without a fear of puppets (you laugh but I have known people. And in fact when you think about it… it kind of makes sense. I mean whose idea was it to stick a giant furry thing on your hand and pretend that it was alive? Creepy).

Anyway the fact that this movie has Amy Adams in it comes as no comfort to me. It makes me fear that the people behind this movie know it’s really not all that funny and are hoping to cover it up by putting that girl from Enchanted into it. Also the fact that most trailers for this movie starts off by pretending to be a trailer for another movie… it’s like they’re ashamed or something.
A 2 out of 5.

Cowboys and Aliens
Top 5 Actors who should play Cowboys: Russell Crowe (watch 3:10 to Yuma), Daniel Craig, Mark Wahlberg, Harrison Ford, Robert Downey Jr. Purely looking at the cast list and seeing the word Cowboy next to the words “Daniel Craig” and “Harrison Ford” would be enough to make me watch this movie. I have read portions of the graphic novels it’s based on and was impressed on the whole but good source material doesn’t always equal good movie (I’m looking at you Daredevil). That said the trailers seem to look promising enough and the source material certainly has all the parts necessary to make a good film.

On a totally unrelated note that last name on my 1-5 ist came to me like a lightning strike from the heavens. How has no one put Downey Jr. in a cowboy movie yet? Anyone?
An excitement rating of 4 out of 5.

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh Pooh. The depths to which Disney has made you fall. When I was a wee child growing up in the vast fields of my Vermont farm, Pooh was listed right up there on my list of people who I hoped to be when I grew up. Also Wolverine… I was a complicated child.

Since those glorious days of me stomping about singing “I’m just a little black rain cloud” and saying “oh bother” whenever possible Walt Disney seems to have gone out of its way to ruin my childhood memories. The trailer for its latest attempt leaves me with mixed feelings.

I want to like this movie I really do. But I’ve been scarred Disney… scarred so deep!
Also I think the person voicing Christopher Robin is a 3 year old girl.
A Nostalgia powered: 3 out of 5.

Larry Crowne:
Producer 1: “Hey guys we’ve got a generic script about an old guy trying to start life again and falling in love with the teacher of his night class! Who should we get?”
Producer 2: How about Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks?! They’re both well past their primes and have lost most of their cultural relevance”
Producer 1: “Yay!”
I am not at all even a little bit interested in this movie. Not at all.
A 0 out of 5.

P.S. Yes I do still loathe Tom Hanks. What?
I have nothing personal against Julia Roberts but aside from Erin Brokavich (which she is mostly just remembered for because she rarely wore anything with more fabric then would be required to make a shirt for an undersized Chihuahua) could you even start a list of movies you saw her in and thought she did well?

Zookeeper:
Haven’t we seen this movie before?? A guy with no game at all gets help from normally non speaking things to pick up the girl of his dreams? Talking animals? Kevin James? Have they not already made this movie at least four times?
I feel like if you launched A Night At the Museum, Dr. Doolittle, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop into one another at high speeds this is what would fall out. It’ll probably be a good family movie and have at least one or two quotable lines but I’m not exactly seeing a box office smash here.
A 1 out of 5.

Moody Judy and the NOT Bummer Summer:
Read that title again.
A 0 out of 5.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Of course when this blog is published the Transformers will already have landed and I will no doubt be ruing the typing of these words. But what’s journalism without a little risk? I must confess I am somehow still excited about this movie despite the worthless broiling ball of waste, excess, and melted gooey horror that was Transformers 2: Revenge of Megan Fox. At some point in the near future I’ll post my thoughts on good sequels (the Dark Knight) versus bad sequels (Transforms 2) but for now let’s keep on task.

This movie excites me mostly for three reasons:

1. Michael Bay (the Director) has come out and admitted that there were things they could have done a lot better in Revenge of the Fallen. Like, for instance, not filming it…. okay so I added that last part in.

2. No Megan Fox. I didn’t mind Megan Fox in the first movie because she was never supposed to be anything more than the attractive girl following around Shia Lebouf and occasionally spouting lines of dialogue with all the emotional depths of a rusty spigot. In movie 2 they actually tried to make her into a character and that did not go well. At all.
This time around we’re going with some British chick no one has ever heard of. This will allow us to go back to the awkward first meetings that highlighted the first movie and give us a chance to start from square one with character development. Also she’s British!

3. This is the last movie… at least until they make the next one. For some reason the last movie in Trilogies seem to come out all right more often than not. I think when people are making movie 2 they always feel like they have to pull their punches a little bit because all the really great big ideas and villains end up getting saved for the third movie. It seems like this movie will involve better villains, more robots, and an overall better storyline because we’ll be able to pull out all the stops.

That said they are going to make at least 1 prequel film. At least. The only people I sort of believe when they say they’re stopping at 3 are the Nolan brothers in regards to Batman. I give it about two years before they announce a Transformers prequel. You heard it here first.
All that said this still might be a horrible movie. I guess I’ll find out soon enough!!
A 3 out of 5

Well there you have it! A whole bunch of movies who now feel ill used! Thanks for reading!!

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