Hannah: Review

Posted: July 4, 2011 by Micah in Movie Reviews

Micah Reviews: Hannah

Hannah was a movie that came out a few months ago. But, for those of who didn’t watch it in theaters and might be wondering whether to slide that dollar bill into Redbox and check it out, here’s a review!

Hannah was a genuinely interesting idea. Little girl assassin. Murky past. Dad played by Eric Bana (who I have almost forgiven for playing the Hulk) and a vaguely creepy Cate Blanchett as the FBI agent chasing them. A good idea right?

That said: please do not watch Hannah. Take that dollar and buy a reeses peanut butter cup. When you get that cup home put it in the freezer overnight and first thing in the morning pull it out and hit yourself as hard as you can with it right in the forehead. Not only will that be more enjoyable than Hannah, but it will also make more sense.

The plot:

Hannah opens up with little Hannah and her father Eric Bana living a life of quite seclusion in an unnamed snow-covered forest. After some relatively pointless scenes (including one that literally goes like this):

Hannah: (Stares at mountain)
(Airplane flies over)
Hannah: (Screams at plane sticking her tongue as far out of her mouth as possible)
And cut.

I am not making that up. Said plane is never heard from again, and Hannah largely keeps her apparent plane euphoria to herself. This, like so many other things, is never explained.

Anyway, Hannah finds herself discontent with her tranquil life in the woods (never explained), and decides that she wants to be free as a bird on the wing… or something. So after a brief (very brief) conversation with her father she flips the switch on some radio devicey thing which sends a signal to the FBI agent only known as… “Marissa Viegler.”
Hannah is captured shortly after by some vaguely military group of men. She kills two of these men then sits innocently while the men detain her. Apparently the first two men to go in weren’t all that popular cause no one really seems overly upset that she KILLED TWO PEOPLE. Meanwhile her father turns into the Hulk and escapes. I mean escapes.
Hannah is brought to some secret underground facility which she escapes from about 2 minutes later leaving a long trail of “highly trained” military professionals quaking in her little 14 year old wake… I will confess I liked the escape sequence.

At this point you can probably just turn off the movie and go to bed. There is nothing left to see here.

Hannah then travels through Pakistan… or Turkey… or Chechnya… or somewhere…. alongside a vaguely British family with screwed up morals. Eric Bana runs around speaking in what might be a German accent, and not becoming the Hulk (my favorite moment of the film). And all the while Cate Blanchett makes various irrational decisions, hires one of the most ineffective assassins in the history of movies, shoots an old lady just sort of because, and brushes her teeth harder than she probably should (I am also not making that up). Oh she also has a lot of shoes. Don’t ask me how that affects the movie. But for some reason we were shown her shoe collection repeatedly.

This all leads to a “climax” that is somehow related to an old military testing sight and Eric Bana performing a football tackle on a car door (not making that up.)


Umm… Siersey Ronan is actually a decent child actress. Despite a weird script, a strange supporting cast, and a cinematographer who may or may not have been a five year old wombat Siersey was not terrible. I hope she gets in a good movie at some point.


I’m not sure there really was a script for this movie. You could tell me the Director walked in every day and decided on the fly what was going to happen and who was going to say what and I would totally believe you. Every once in a while the movie seems to be bringing up some really interesting plot points and making you genuinely care to see how a certain story plays out, but equally often the movie seems to put something in just to be utterly and entirely random as if said director came in on certain days possessed by the spirit of a rhesus monkey. I’m tempted to elaborate on these points but there are literally too many to name.

My main problem with Hannah is it seems to have gone to great lengths to answer none of your questions. In fact it seems to deliberately bring up a few plot points in the last twenty minutes or so of the movie just so it can not answer them.

“The Washing Machine Principle”

You know how when you put clothes in the laundry machine you can hear that stuff’s going down in there but you can’t see it? When you pull the clothes out of the machine the laundry is clean, but you really have no idea how you got from point A to point B. And if you try and find out the machine just sits there looking at you. That’s how Hannah approaches fight scenes. You hear a lot of cool sounding things, and you know that when it’s over people are dead, or wounded, or spinning around on Merry-go-rounds (not making that up). But the movie very rarely actually shows you what’s going on. Instead it opts for a confusing, spinning, cyclone of camera angles that generally leaves you more seasick then inspired to take karate.
Much like your washing machine Hannah wants you to know that cool stuff is happening and it wants you to see the results of said cool stuff, but it never really bothers to show you any of it.


Hannah was a bad movie. A good idea! But a bad movie. Weird cinematography, a script that frankly didn’t feel like they had time to finish, and fight scenes that left you wondering what in the world had actually happened doom it to a lowly…

1 out of 5

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